Film School Rejects » Hollywood is Dumb

Because You Asked For It: ‘Where’s Waldo?’ Being Adapted

Dr. Cole Abaius — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 21:28:48 +0000

It’s not often that I get upset about movie news. I don’t really care. I know that’s a weird thing for me to say, being as how I write about movies for a living, but most of the time news is pretty uneventful – something gets announced, a star gets attached, Barry Sonnenfeld eats a salad – it’s all pretty par for the course.

Also rarely does there come a time when I’m actively angered by movie news. It’s tough to get that wound up about it usually.

And now this.

Universal is going to adapt the fantastically popular (a decade ago) “Where’s Waldo?” books for a movie. A fucking movie. Seriously. A full, feature-length honest-to-God movie. About Waldo. And where the fuck he is.

Look, I dig the books as much as the next guy. They were fun – staring at a book page for close to ten minutes without anything turning 3D. Who doesn’t love that? I just have zero clue as to how you’d take a book that’s about staring at a page until you see a guy with a walking stick and an annoying red and white striped all-weather sweater into a full movie. It boggles the mind.

Please, no one take that last sentence as inspiration to adapt “Boggle” into a movie.

The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that the plot will involve an adult Waldo going back in time because of a time machine. There’s no more details because, frankly, there’s probably very little else to the plot. I am also going to try my hardest not to mention the irony of featuring a main character that was made famous because he was difficult to see.

All that hatred aside, where in the world is our “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” adaptation? Where, I ask.

What the hell? Am I only bitter because no one got my Odlaw costume at Halloween three years ago?

Now This is Happening: Spinning Into Butter

Neil Miller — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 23:56:25 +0000

As you know, the best of days always come with a few unexpected surprises. Today’s surprises included a tweet from my good friend Meli about an interesting little movie called Spinning Into Butter. Of course, I know what you are thinking right away — what sort of movie has a title like Spinning Into Butter? It gets better, friends. Upon further inspection of website and trailer (seen below), it turns out that this film is much worse than its title would suggest.

Sarah Jessica Parker (Sex in the City) plays the new dean at an elite New England college who is thrust into the middle of some heavy racial tension when one of the school’s teachers (Beau Bridges) comes under scrutiny after a series of race-related incidents. Based on a critically acclaimed play, Spinning Into Butter “examines the emotional fallout of prejudice within the cloistered walls of academia.”

Critically acclaimed play or not, this movie looks a little rough. First of all, a note to the film’s producers: if you have to include the explanation of the title in the trailer, you need a new title for your movie. As well, if this is Sarah Jessica Parker trying to do some serious acting, I’m out. She needs to stick to what works — the whinings of middle-aged New York singles and shoes. But who knows, this movie could be good, right? It looks like an intense and gripping drama about race relations in New England, headlined by Beau Bridges.

Okay, nevermind. That doesn’t actually sound good at all. Add to that the fact that if you go to the film’s website and browse the “photos,” two-thirds of them are headshots of Sarah Jessica looking perplexed (see above for an example). Trying too hard? I think so.

Check out the trailer for yourself below and let me know what you think. Spinning Into Butter also stars Mykelti Williamson and Miranda Richardson. It hits theaters on March 20 in NYC, LA and Washington, DC.

Uwe Boll, Mike Myers Bring Home Big, Juicy Golden Rasberries

Paul Sileo — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:07:25 +0000

You know, everyone gets all excited about the Oscars every year, but really, isn’t it all just so boring? Once again, the show confirmed that it’s fairly easy to pick all the winners months in advance, with even our own Grand Poobah Neil Miller scoring a perfect 100% in the office pool (which I suspect was rigged since the score sheet I was given had Space Chimps as a contender for Best Picture). So what is the answer to such banality? Why, the Razzies, of course!

Every year the Golden Raspberries delight in a way that the Oscars can only dream about. I mean, sure, we all saw Slumdog Millionaire as a lock for Best Picture, but with Hollywood churning out so many real turds each year, being awarded the Razzie for Worst Picture is a real honor. Hell, you have to beat out 95% of the films released in a year. Now that is quite the accomplishment. So go read the Rejects’ Oscar coverage, Robert Fure’s Oscars-inspired Boiling Point, or Cole Abaius’ 14 Things We Learned From The Oscars, if you are so inclined. I’m sure those guys thought they were really important writing it all up from the bow of their stupid little boat with those bikini girls they cherish so much. In the meantime, I will give ya’ll the scoop from the real awards: the motherfucking Razzies.

Worst Career Achievement – Uwe Boll

What a way to begin, with a man near and dear to my heart. The name Uwe Boll has become synonymous with two things: absolutely horrendous video game adaptations and someone who, after being criticized, challenged a critic to a boxing match and promptly knocked him the fuck out. I’m not worried though, because I have nothing but love for Mr. Boll. Well, that’s a lie, but I am smart enough to not accept a boxing challenge from this scary motherfucker. The Razzies ruined his life? Great, now he’s even scarier, because he’s been backed into a creative corner!

Worst Screenplay – The Love Guru (Mike Myers and Graham Gordy)

The Love Guru, as you will see, was this year’s darling at the Razzies. The Golden Raspberry Award Foundation loves a rags-to-riches story just as much as the Academy, so it’s no surprise they fell in love with The Love Guru. And why not? Mike Myers is charmingly terrible, Jessica Alba is sexy and unimpressive, and Justin Timberlake prances around with an expertly laid out package. It’s enough to make one stand up and cheer…when the film was over.

Worst Director – Uwe Boll (1968: Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal)

Are we surprised? Uwe can put out more trash in a year than a questionable Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn. What I want to know is how he talks some of these actors into appearing in his movies. It can’t all be for a payday. Do a commercial, do an animated film, do something other than being in one of Boll’s movies. Don’t these people have agents or managers?

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Who says the Razzies don’t have drama? This one took me completely by surprise. It’s not every day that Steven Spielberg is honored with a Razzie, and I’m not sure he deserved this one. Was the new Indie really worse than Disaster Movie or Speed Racer? I think this may be one for the books. Disaster Movie totally got robbed on this one, and I will be starting up an internet campaign shortly to let the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation know of my disappointment.

Worst Screen Couple – Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore (The Hottie and the Nottie)

Now this is awkward. Who gets to accept the award with Paris? Do all three of them go up there? I can only imagine that conversation. “Our relationship was totally worse.” “Wow, no fucking way, I actually had to kiss her, with the real threat of some sort of viral transmission.” It’s really a “lose/lose” situation, folks. Hey, maybe the acceptance speech will turn into a Miller Lite commercial and people’s clothes will get ripped off. Well, everyone except the dude’s, of course.

Worst Supporting Actor – Pierce Brosnan (Mamma Mia!)

Oh, Pierce. You were so delightfully funny in The Matador. And you were James Bond, for fuck’s sake. How did it ever come to this?

Worst Supporting Actress – Paris Hilton (Repo: The Genetic Opera)

Score number two for Paris tonight! I didn’t get the chance to see Repo this year, but from what I hear, it wasn’t bad. So I can only assume Paris was honored because she was a vortex of shit in an otherwise decent movie. Perhaps every time she came onscreen all the emotion, creativity, and intelligence just sort of gravitated toward her and was destroyed, kind of like a black hole. (Note: I refrained from making a sex tape joke here, so you should do the same)

Worst Actress – Paris Hilton (The Hottie and the Nottie)

An acting category sweep! Bet you can’t boast about that, Academy, and if you can, well then I apologize because I am too lazy to go look it up. Paris has had quite the couple of years. Though I doubt the honor of such a wonderful showing at the Razzies really equals her street cred from that time in the slammer. Am I the only one who thought she looked like a vengeful psychopathic serial killer in that mug shot? Maybe it was just bad acting.

Worst Actor – Mike Myers (The Love Guru)

Mike should be really proud of himself this year. Beating out both Eddie Murphy and Larry the Cable Guy? That doesn’t just take shitty acting. That takes a real commitment to rolling around in manure and squishing it between your toes before every take. Maybe it’s time to hang it up, Myers?

Worst Picture – The Love Guru

Let me show you the nominees so you can see just how terrible The Love Guru had to be to take this award: Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans (a joint nominee), The Happening, The Hottie and the Nottie, and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Wow, I started passing wallpaper-peeling flatulent just typing out that list. It’s a collection of movies so powerfully shitty that my own small intestine began to spasm uncontrollably. This is exactly why the Razzies are so superior to the Oscars. Because let’s be honest, any movie in that list could have taken the Worst Picture award. It left me on the edge of my seat, and the Oscars haven’t done that since Shakespeare in Love won Best Picture, and only then because I dropped my bottle opener under the couch and had to scoot forward a bit to retrieve it.

And there you have it, folks. The 29^th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and check my underwear.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine Screws Up Deadpool?

Robert Fure — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:57:21 +0000

By all accounts we were psyched as hell to hear and see Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson, the man who would become Deadpool. He is the perfect choice – athletic, handsome, and funny, much like Wilson before he gets his body all scared up. When they said new footage was being shot with him in it, we all cheered.

Until we found these. While scouring the internet late at night, we came across some this anonymously posted image of the Deadpool action figure from X-Men Origins: Wolverine and realized that this wasn’t a cruel joke.

As you can see, Deadpool isn’t wearing a badass costume and loaded up with guns. Rather he has some strange markings, perhaps paint, perhaps scars, that have some sort of a pattern to them, rather than his whole body being screwed. Also, he has apparently decided to use medical tape to affix blades on his arms to fight Wolverine.

A cool site about all things Deadpool, DeadpoolBugle, had this image, which shows another toy, confirming what we see to be an accurate depiction of movie Deadpool. That site also took the time to isolate the spinning ninja-looking guy from the trailer (seen above), which is now apparently Deadpool.

Personally, I think this sucks. I’m totally amped for Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and all the trailer footage of him looked fantastic. He can nail the role. But why the hell would they make Deadpool look like this? Why would he tape swords to his arms? Some sort of bravado deal in fighting Wolverine? Bah. The jury is definitely out on this one, though they’re leaning towards conviction. Hopefully this, somehow, manages to work and kick ass.

Visit the DeadpoolBugle for all sorts of cool Deadpool news.

What do you think of this new look for Deadpool?

Court Finds For Fox In ‘Watchmen’ Case, Rules Against WB

Rob Hunter — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 14:54:57 +0000

Santa left an early present in Warner Bros. stocking on Wednesday… a lump of coal in the form of an early ruling in 20th Century Fox’s Watchmen copyright lawsuit against them. Nikki Finke is reporting that while Los Angeles-based District Court Judge Gary Feess had set a mid-January start date for a trial, he instead issued an order on Wednesday stating that “Fox should prevail.”

“Fox owns a copyright interest consisting of, at the very least, the right to distribute the ‘Watchmen’ motion picture,” the ruling states. What does this mean? A few things actually…

For one thing, the trial start date is now seemingly moot. The judge himself suggests that both WB and FOX start talking immediately. “The parties may wish to turn their efforts from preparing for trial to negotiating a resolution of this dispute or positioning the case for review.” Secondly, it’s all but guaranteed that whatever happens, Watchmen will no longer be a purely WB release. Expect to see Fox’s logo on the screen alongside (or instead of) the WB’s. “Negotiating a resolution” translates into ransom money that WB will be paying Fox.

Most importantly, all of this means the March 2009 release date is still in potential jeapardy. The best bet for that release date will be for WB to fork over either a flat fee if Fox expects Watchmen to be a dud, or a percentage of the profits if Fox expects a blockbuster hit. If WB refuses to bend over on this, then they may choose to appeal the judge’s ruling… which could push Watchmen’s release into 2010 and beyond.

Merry Fucking Christmas Watchmen fans!

Guest Editorial: The Impending Abyss Actors Call a Strike

Maggie Van Ostrand — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:00:57 +0000

Friend and FSR interviewee (Spider-Man 3), Michael F. Blake, a member of just about every entertainment union, expresses dumbfoundedness about the impending SAG strike. Is it counter-intelligent? Or is it just the way actors think? Blake welcomes your opinions:

Okay, the nimrods they call actors are on the verge of plunging this industry (and all who work in it) into an abyss called a strike. That is something we do not need. But let’s face it, actors have never been terribly smart.

Now, borrowing from Mr. Dickens, they are being shown by the Ghost of Prime-Time-To-Come what network TV will soon be.

Jay Leno has signed a deal to do a nightly show in Prime Time at 10pm. That’s right, for 5 days a week at 10pm, we’ll get a “variety” show (a la TONIGHT SHOW).

In that previous slot we had such TV shows as Miami Vice, Hill Street Blues, ER, Law & Order, Police Story, LA Law, Quantum Leap, Hunter, St. Elsewhere, Remington Steele, Quincy, Police Woman, Night Gallery, I Spy and a science fiction show called Star Trek.

Add to the programming of such “reality” shows as Biggest Loser, Big Brother, Survivor, Deal or No Deal and the ubiquitous Dateline, 20/20 and you have at least 6 additional hours of programming on Network TV. If they toss in a few cheaply produced game shows (say 4, at 1-hour slot) you have 15 hours of programming tied up.

And how many actors will appear on those shows? How many directors & writers will work on it? Crew members MAY be a bit better off, but not by much as most of those shows will be on tape, not film, and most likely will not cover their ability to qualify for health insurance or pension.

What is happening with Leno taking over the 10pm slot is “peppy & cheap” TV. Producing Leno’s show will be MUCH cheaper than 5 1-hour dramas.

It also means LESS WORK for actors (and writers, directors & crew members). An average 1-hour drama employs at least 80 crew members, has at least 5-10 regular/semi-regular actors, as well as an additional 10-20 actors per episode. You figure in 13 episodes, at least 5-7 directors will be hired and at least the same number of writers. Add on the various companies that supply material to shows (prop houses, makeup/hair supply shops, caterers, wardrobe rentals and retail stores, etc.) and the number of people/companies that do business with a 1-hour show adds up.

Now, 5 hours worth of employment & business is being taken away.

And the actors STILL want to strike?

Reminds me of Strother Martin’s line from “Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid”: ‘Morons. I’ve got morons on my team.’”

If this gets you mad, says Blake, “Take a tickey and stand in line!”

Will Smith Says Hello To ‘Hancock’ Sequel, Son Jaden Says Goodbye To ‘Karate Kid’ Crane Kick

Rob Hunter — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:38:54 +0000

Two small pieces of Smith family news today, both courtesy of JoBlo.com. Will Smith is doing publicity for his upcoming film, Seven Pounds, and he was asked about Hancock and his son’s Karate Kid remake.

JoBlo asked Smith about any future superhero plans, and he responded that Hancock 2 will “definitely” be coming in the next few years. Apparently “there are a lot of unexplored characters in the Hancock universe” that would make for an interesting sequel.

** SPOILER ALERT **

I’m not sure how that fits with Hancock and his sister being the only remaining two of their kind, but if Smith can bring a dead Robert Neville back for I Am Still Legend then I’m sure he can find a few more superheroes for Hancock 2. I actually really liked the first half of Hancock until the stupid and rushed second half involving Charlize Theron’s character turned the whole thing to shit. But the movie did make over $600 million worldwide, and as of now is the fourth highest grosser of 2008 domestically, so a sequel is inevitable.

Smith also spoke about his son’s upcoming remake of The Karate Kid, and the news isn’t pretty. Apparently young Jaden, seasoned veteran of at least (but no more than) two movies, is taking a stand on the classic crane kick that not only won Daniel Larusso a trophy but the hearts of Elizabeth Shue, Tamlyn Tomita, and all of America. He doesn’t want the iconic crane move in his movie. Apparently, Jaden wants his Daniel to kick ass with moves taken from video games. The irony here is that papa Will is trying to convince his son not to mess with a classic film by changing something so important…

Did you know that Will Smith is one of 2008’s most fascinating people? It’s true, at least according to ABC.

David Hasselhoff Brings the Heat to Beverly Hills Ninja 2

Neil Miller — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:50:44 +0000

We can’t make this stuff up — seriously. Variety is reporting today that David Hasselhoff and High School Musical’s Lucas Grabeel will headline Beverly Hills Ninja 2 for Sony Pictures Entertainment and ATM Motionwide, set to begin shooting on October 6th in South Korea. The film, which is being directed by Dennis Dugan, who directed the original Beverly Hills Ninja in 1997 with Chris Farley in the title role, will follow an orphaned boy who wants to be a ninja but becomes involved in a crime in Hollywood while looking for his real parents.

And as the fine folks at JoBlo have pointed out, the story only gets better. Hasselhoff’s character, who is described as an evil action movie superstar, is named Ansel LaDouche. Again, I will remind you that I am not making any of this up.

Ninja 2 will apparently have very little to do with the first film, which could be seen as a good thing, as the first film wasn’t much to shake your funny bone at. Then again, if the Hoff is on board, there is always potential. Or not.

Will you be following the production of Beverly Hills Ninja 2 as closely as we will, now that you know that Hasselhoff is involved?

Remake of John Carpenter’s The Thing is Actually… a Prequel?

Rob Hunter — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:58:23 +0000

It’s been common and unfortunate knowledge for a few years that a remake of John Carpenter’s classic, The Thing, was in development somewhere in Hollywood. Fans were outraged by the idea, which of course, is ironic as Carpenter’s movie is itself a remake of Howard Hawk’s The Thing From Another World. Since that initial announcement there’s been nothing new to report. Until now.

The folks over at Latino Review recently spoke with Marc Abraham, the director of the upcoming film Flash of Genius. More importantly, Abraham also happens to be the producer on The Thing reboot, to be written by Battlestar Galactica’s Ronald Moore. Asked if his new film would be a sequel or a remake, he replied “This is more of a prequel than a sequel… It’s going to take place in the same time frame. These are the events leading up to the 1982 film.”

So what exactly are the events leading up to the opening of The Thing? I ask rhetorically since anyone who’s seen the movie already knows. Some nutty Norwegians find an alien spacecraft buried in the Antarctic ice alongside the alien itself. They cut it from its frozen berth, bring it back to their station, it wakes up, kills most of the Nordic scientists, takes the shape of a dog, and runs off across the snowy tundra with the survivors in hot pursuit. Carpenter’s film picks things up there and follows the alien’s integration into the small population of a U.S. Antarctic research station. The team’s numbers dwindle, as one by one the shape-shifting alien (as well as fear, paranoia, and craziness) whittles them down to two. But are they both human?

Some questions. Also rhetorical. Do we need a whole movie to show us what The Thing already told us? Will the dialog be in Norwegian since that’s the language spoken by the guys chasing the dog in the beginning of the movie? Will the Nordic researchers all be played by hot, young actors and actresses similar to what happened with the remake of Carpenter’s The Fog? Will the effects consist mainly of CGI as opposed to the incredible (and still effective 26 years later) practical effects of Rob Bottin? Will the prequel reach even an iota of the paranoia and dread on display in Carpenter’s film?

And will it be as cool as this music video for French techno duo Zombie Zombie? It’s stop-motion fun featuring GI Joe vs. The Thing, and while the whole thing is pretty cool, the action starts around the four-minute mark for those of you with limited patience.

‘Max Payne’ Receives R Rating, Director John Moore Calls MPAA Nazi Cockgobblers

Rob Hunter — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 05:00:34 +0000

Max Payne has been hit with an ‘R’ rating by the Motion Picture Association of America, and director John Moore is more than a little irked. The 20th Century Fox film stars Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis, and is based on the M(ature)-rated video games of the same name. It’s scheduled for release on October 17th.

Moore recently spoke with dasgamer.com and voiced his dissatisfaction with the MPAA’s structure, guidelines, and decision. Oh, and he also strongly inferred that the aged MPAA dropped to its arthritic knees and fellated the collective suit-wearing phalluses at Warner Bros. over that little bat man movie.

“We’re suffering from what I call Batman blowback. The Motion Picture Association of America gave The Dark Knight a PG-13 rating and basically sucked Warner Bros. cock. I have a serious amount of issues with the MPAA. Did you know it was made up of volunteers? As if that somehow excludes them from some type of wrongdoing. You can’t serve on it if you’re a homosexual or if you didn’t grow up in a shared parenthood home. Go to their website and read their charter about what gives a fair and balanced view for typical parents. We’re still strangled by an association that’s straight out of the House Un-American Activities Committee.”

Yeah, he’s upset. Max Payne had long been rumored to be aiming for a PG-13 rating, even though the games are rated M for Mature. Moore did claim at this year’s Comic Con however that he wasn’t shooting with a rating in mind, saying that “if it’s an R, it’s an R.” Obviously the money men at Fox would prefer a PG-13 as the general argument states that a wider potential audience will result in higher box-office. Most video game to film adaptations are rated PG-13 or below, with the exception of the Resident Evil films and Fox’s own Hitman. It was probably Hitman’s lackluster domestic box-office ($39 million) that led Fox to demand a PG-13 cut for Max Payne, but Hitman grossed $100 million worldwide… not bad for a film budgeted at $24 million and with no big name actors. Wahlberg is an international star and can open a film with an R rating.

“They [MPAA] said to me, the movie feels R. And I said, ‘What the fuck is that, a group therapy session?’ You can’t do that. They’re meant to judge content, not intent. They said the movie felt dark… The MPAA will never publish the rules. They’ll never tell a director, Here’s what’s going to get you an R, Here’s what’s going to get you a PG-13. People might think that’s impossible, but let me tell you, if I’m making a TV beer commercial, I know exactly what the rules are. The MPAA changes their rules willy-nilly and it depends on who’s seeing your actual movie at the time. It’s very difficult to get a hold on what’s acceptable. The only thing you can use is current standards.”

Moore believes his film is being treated unfairly in comparison to those current standards. “So I go and see The Dark Knight and I say, ‘Gee, that’s pretty gnarly for PG-13,’ but I felt good about Max Payne after coming out of the theater. I thought Max wasn’t going to have a problem.” The argument over The Dark Knight’s rating has been raging since the film’s release, with some people saying it should have been rated R for its overall tone and darkness. Unlike Moore, I haven’t seen Max Payne, but from playing the games and watching the trailers I can see some immediate distinctions between the two that may have led to the R rating. For all the apathy, mayhem, destruction, and pencil tricks on display in The Dark Knight, the film was a mostly bloodless affair. In contrast, there were 783 gunshots in the Max Payne trailer alone, and unless all of them made contact solely with windows, doors, and other inanimate objects then there are going to be a shitload of people getting shot to death on screen. Add in the major plot point centering on an illegal drug called Valkyrie, the slaughter of Payne’s wife and child, and the hotness that is Olga Kurylenko (Hitman, Quantum of Solace) and the MPAA may just have a point here. Moore acknowledges this to a degree, saying “If I was a smart member of the MPAA I would turn around and say to the filmmakers, ‘Guys, look at your source material.’ But again, they’re supposed to judge actual content, not intent.”

Moore’s basic complaints are nothing new as anyone who’s seen the brilliant This Film Is Not Yet Rated knows. That documentary both entertained and enlightened the general public as to the clusterfuck that is the MPAA’s rules and regulations, and it validated Moore’s point that the MPAA consists solely of cock-holsters and knob-nibblers. On the flipside, Fox hasn’t exactly been anyone’s favorite studio recently and their quest for a PG-13 rating on a film that really should have been an R won’t change that opinion, but I also don’t think they’ll be losing any sleep (or money) over Max Payne. Moore will undoubtedly make the necessary cuts to reach its targeted PG-13, and just as undoubtedly we’ll be seeing an unrated DVD release alongside the PG-13 cut on store shelves some time next year.

Will you go see a PG-13 rated Max Payne? Do you think The Dark Knight should have been rated R? Should Olga Kurylenko be in every film from this point forward? That last question is rhetorical because I already know the answer.

A Handy User’s Guide to Turnaround, the Hollywood Loophole That Might Kill Watchmen

Dr. Cole Abaius — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:56:55 +0000

Remember that time you spent over $100 million to produce that movie, and then another studio came along claiming that you didn’t have the right to produce it at all?

Of course you don’t. No one here does because we haven’t had the privilege of seeing $100 million let alone blowing it on a film production. That’s why what’s happening in Judge Feess’ California courtroom regarding Watchmen, Fox and Warner Brothers is such a mystery to most of us. All we want is to see a movie we’ve been patiently waiting for, but it’s in danger of being pushed back or worse, shelved, because of the complexities of copyright law and the fascinating little loophole known as “turnaround.”

To better understand this Hollywood business phenomenon, FSR wants to take you through the hypothetical life cycle of a film that gets caught in turnaround.

Stage 1: Acceptance

You’ve done it! After years of struggling with the right character arcs and dialog structures, you’ve sold your screenplay, “Echo in Eternity,” about a crooked diplomat who attempts a terrorist attack on Washington only to use the legal system and his immunity to fight for his freedom. Even more incredible, your crackerjack agent has gotten Gary Oldman interested in directing for the first time since 1997, Jeremy Irons wants to play the diplomat, and Catherine Keener is signed up to play the lead prosecutor who gets romantically entangled with a member of the diplomat’s envoy. Paramount was hooked and bought the package in the room. Congratulations! You’re on your way!

Stage 2: Denial

In a confusing move, the studio claims they want to hold off on your project despite eagerness from Oldman to get started and the scheduling window for Keener slowly closing. For reasons they don’t have to explain to you, they decide that it’s not the right time to make the film, and put the flick on hold for the time being. Luckily, hot shot producer Les Grossman has taken a shine to your project, and buys the rights from Paramount, including the title, with a Turnaround clause wedged deep within the text. A standard procedure really. He’s got five years to make the project himself or it returns automatically to the studio. The clause also stipulates that if the project has any “changed elements,” Grossman has to give Paramount first shot at making the film.

Stage 3: Rebirth

It’s been two years since you sold “Echo in Eternity,” and since then, you’ve sold two other screenplays and done some show running for a Showtime series that eventually bombed. One of those screenplays, “The Graveyard at Inchigeela,” made it all the way to production and premieres to giant praise from critics and from fans. It revives John Goodman’s career and sets you up as frontrunner for a Best Original Screenplay nomination. All the sudden, your agent is able to renew interest in “Echo in Eternity,” and Producer Les Grossman starts shopping it to other studios – including a very interested Universal. Keener is coming off filming, Gary Oldman is still jazzed to direct, and Irons has spent the last two years pretending to be a psychotic diplomat in methodical preparation just in case the film got the green light. Everything is coming back together.

Stage 4: A Change of Plans

One month from the start date, Oldman has to bow out of the director’s position because Christopher Nolan has finally prepped a sequel to The Dark Knight and needs him back in London. Grossman shrugs his shoulders, makes a phone call, and all of the sudden Jim Jarmusch is sitting in the director’s chair. It works for the best – Jarmusch’s vision of the project is genius, and the actors get along famously with him. Even better, the very interested Universal is still on board and decides to fast-track the project.

Stage 5: Gaining Buzz

What was once your small film has become a sensation. The production stills are leaked along with a trailer, and the internet lights up. Critics and bloggers start hailing it as the most anticipated movie of the upcoming season, and Universal decides to pump more money into the advertising campaign. But the attention hasn’t gone unnoticed. Paramount, your original studio, is starting to pay attention to the film’s giant potential, and, hooray, you’re being sued.

Stage 6: Your Day in Court

Citing the fact that your Producer failed to bring the project back to Paramount after swapping out Oldman for Jarmusch, the studio claims that Universal never had the rights to make the film. According to the Turnaround clause, and specifically to the segment about “changed elements,” Paramount should have been given the option to pick up or pass on the project in its new incarnation. Since Grossman already had Universal on the line, ready to roll, he went with them without consulting Paramount. Congratulations! The elation you felt at selling the project, at getting it off the ground, and at seeing a finished print is replaced by the distinct dread of not seeing it released.

Not to worry, though. Most likely, Grossman and Universal will have to give Paramount a large chunk of cash and a certain percentage of domestic receipts. The movie will probably not be completely canned, especially if all parties involved still see a chance to make some money off of it. Still, your parade is being rained on all over the place.

The Lesson

Turnaround exists for one reason. At some point, a producer owned a film but sold it to another entity who then made a disgusting amount of money and probably a truckload of awards producing it. In an effort never to look like a completely inept buffoon again, that producer and his team of lawyers invented the “changed elements” loophole in the Turnaround clause. Just in case.

So what have we learned here? Don’t do business in Hollywood without a lawyer with a magnifying glass, thick skin, and the foreknowledge that someone will screw you if they can profit from it. EIther that, or don’t change anything about your project, even down to the last penny of your budget, if you plan on procuring it from a studio in turnaround.

Garth Ennis Loses ‘Preacher,’ Picks Up ‘The Boys’

Rob Hunter — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 10:00:01 +0000

I was never huge into comic books as a kid. There are several reasons for this, most of them related to my strict religious upbringing and complete inability to read or write. Over the years I did manage to sneak a peek at several of these illustrated books, and one series in particular caught my eye. That series was Preacher, and between the bright, breathing art of Steve Dillon and the sharp and hilarious writing of Garth Ennis (read and dramatized for me by the later Sister Hermina) I soon realized that this was the best comic book series of all time. With Preacher as my textbook, I learned the English language, earned a Bachelor of Arts in Creative Writing, and went on to teach ESL and atheism to impoverished children throughout upstate New York and parts of Canada.

The Preacher comic book series ran from 1995 to 2000, and it followed the alternately serious and hysterical adventures of a preacher gifted with angelic powers, his gun-toting girlfriend, and his Irish vampire pal. It has been in Hollywood development hell for the past several years. Kevin Smith’s View Askew Productions held the rights for several years, and in 2006 HBO began a two-year struggle to serialize the books into hour-long episodes. It was announced this week that the cable channel has officially given up on the adaptation. Mark Steven Johnson, director of Ghost Rider and Daredevil, was the guiding force behind HBO’s efforts, and he broke the bad news in an interview with Comics Continuum.

“We were budgeting and everything and it was getting really close to going,” Johnson said. “But the new head of HBO felt it was just too dark and too violent and too controversial. Which, of course, is kind of the point! It was a very faithful adaptation of the first few books, nearly word for word. They offered me the chance to redevelop it but I refused… So I’m afraid it’s dead at HBO.”

While HBO would have been ideal for getting as close as possible to a perfect Preacher adaptation, all is not lost. “I’ve heard someone is in the process of getting the rights to turn it into a feature film,” Johnson added. Personally, I’d prefer to see Showtime pick up where HBO left off as they’ve proven they can do dark and edgy with series like Dexter and Californication.

Better news on the Ennis front came yesterday when it was announced his most recent comic book series, The Boys, had not only been optioned but already had writers assigned to script duties. The Hollywood Reporter says Matt Manfredi and Phil Hay will adapt the ongoing series into a feature film. Ennis and illustrator Darick Robertson created the series in 2006, and a trade softcover of the first six issues was released with a forward by Simon Pegg. The only bad news here can be found in Manfredi and Hay’s portfolio… Crazy/Beautiful, The Tuxedo, Aeon Flux…

The Boys takes place in a world where irresponsible, hedonistic, and immoral superheroes exist and the secret government squad of the title is tasked with monitoring their activities. The books poke fun at Marvel and DC heroes but also push the boundaries of what to expect in a comic. Here’s a sample, per Wikipedia, of Billy Butcher’s (one of The Boys) motivation for joining the team, watching the heroes, and killing them when necessary…

“The cause of his campaign against superheroes stems from the rape and death of his wife, Becky. Butcher woke up to find his wife disemboweled on their bed, with her prematurely born, superpowered child crawling out of her. After it attacked Butcher with its heat vision, he killed it by beating it to death with a lampstand. After reading Becky’s diary he learned the identity of his wife’s rapist, who is described as ‘one of the big boys.’”

Add in political commentary, cunnilingus on a menstruating superheroine, celebrity satire, paraplegic fetishes, incredibly dark comedy, and hamsters in assholes, and I may have found my second favorite comic book series of all time. Now pardon me, I need to go read The Boys to some street urchins.

Kevin Smith Has Seen Transformers 2! Says It’s Better Than a Rimjob From Motherf*cking Teresa!

Rob Hunter — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 01:20:10 +0000

As far as I know, Kevin Smith hasn’t really seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen yet. It’s still filming so I wouldn’t expect this headline to come true for another few months. (But even with my dislike for the first Transformers, I’m willing to stand behind the veracity of the second half of this post’s title until proven otherwise.)

Instead, what passes for news these days is the announcement that Smith has apparently been gifted with a viewing of J.J. Abrams’ upcoming Star Trek movie, and guess what… “It was phenomenal.” He was recently on KROQ’s Kevin and Bean radio show and played coy about what he may or may not have seen.

Smith: I saw a movie last night that I cannot talk about.

Host: Was it good?

Smith: It was phenomenal.

Host: Any stars, any break out stars, and do they trek?

Smith: The stars absolutely trek in this film. It is fantastic. Anybody who was worried doesn’t need to be worried–about this film I cannot talk about…It was in very capable hands. The director did a phenomenal job–the director and his crew. Top notch cast and the guy that plays the lead is an instant star. That dude is going to be so famous. He is so wonderful. He picked up a role that I would say is pretty challenging for someone to step into the shoes of, because it is a role that has been played before many times by the same guy.

You can almost hear the sound of fan-boys and girls around the globe dropping little Klingons in their Underoos. When asked if a franchise like Star Trek is something he’d ever want the chance to tackle, Smith replied “I would not like to be the guy… it would take a really insanely talented filmmaker–storyteller. Like in the case of Star Trek, JJ Abrams. So leave it to the people who are best equipped for it. I am just the guy who should be watching those movies.”

Smith made news a week ago for the same exact reason when he was given exclusive access to a Watchmen screening where he presumably got to sit on Zack Snyder’s lap and squeeze the director’s nipples throughout the film. “The Non-Disclosure Agreement I signed prevents me from saying much,” he said, “but I can spout the following with complete joygasmic enthusiasm: Snyder and Co. have pulled it off.” Again, shrieks of gasmic glee echoed across the land. One well respected movie blogger actually said “I never doubted Snyder and his crew, but most have been a bit weary. However, this proves plain and simple that Snyder has done it.” Aside from the fact that people are probably more concerned about Watchmen than they are exhausted by it, does the writer actually believe that Smith’s “unbiased” and detail-lacking rhetoric really proves anything? The reaction to Smith’s comments was a unanimous emission of relief and fluids across the blogosphere, and it succeeded in lathering up the faithful into a frenzied and excitable state. Watching this textual orgy unfold I found myself pondering a single, already overused and paraphrased question.

Who the fuck is Kevin Smith?

I should probably preface that potentially incendiary query with a fire retardant explanation, but my ‘Back Space’ key is busted so I can only move forward. I know who Kevin Smith is, obviously. He’s made at least one great film and several other pretty good ones. Even his mediocre films shine in one respect, and that’s his writing. Smith’s ear for dialogue makes him one of the three best screenwriters working today when it comes to engaging, believable, and sharply entertaining conversations (the other two being Shane Black and Quentin Tarantino.) Add to that the fact that he’s probably the funniest goddamn speaker you will ever hear, regardless of the topic at hand. If you have the chance to see him live at Comic-Con or on on of his frequent university crawls, I highly recommend you do so. You’ll laugh your ass off, guaranteed. And yes, Smith is well-versed and immersed in comic lore and culture, he’s written some books, he’s tangled with writing superhero screenplays, however briefly and ultimately unsuccessfully, and he’s apparently an all around swell guy.

But do any of these things make his opinion on unfinished films that are seven to nine months away from release the slightest bit relevant or newsworthy? Some points to ponder… Smith provided zero details amidst his ravings, and while I understand the reason why, the lack of substance makes these reports empty fluff pieces. Both of Smith’s spontaneous adulations came at a time when the films in question were combating doubters and naysayers amongst those faithful and fanatical to the source material, but who could be potentially swayed by the glowing words of a portly geek god. Many, if not all of the news posts covering Smith’s opinions on films no one else will see for several months were sure to note that his own film, Zack and Miri Make a Porno comes out next month.

Now I’m not saying that Smith’s pronouncements were strictly brilliant promotional moves for his own film and those of his friends, and I’m not implying these were simply puff pieces light on content but heavy on “look how cool I am” ego stroking… but are his opinions really newsworthy even on a slow news day? Even if he’s being sincere, which I believe he is (with a dash of overzealous fan boy giddiness) these are still just the opinions of a fellow movie lover.

One last quote before I open the floor to comments, insults, and ass chewings… Jeopardy-style, can you guess who said the following?

“Revenge of the Sith is, quite simply, fucking awesome. This is the Star Wars prequel the haters have been bitching for since [Phantom] Menace came out, and if they don’t cop to that when they finally see it, they’re lying.”

In unison now, “who the fuck is Kevin Smith?”

The Commentary Track is a column that proves that the staff of FSR can be even more opinionated than normal. It allows them to provide commentary on growing trends in the movie business. The opinions expressed in this feature reflect the opinions of the individual, not of the site as a whole.

The Mummy 4 Heads South of the Border In Search of Fabled Donkey Show

Rob Hunter — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:11:26 +0000

You only have yourself to blame for this news.

Due to the overwhelming audience response to the recent The Mummy: The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Rob Cohen and friends are already planning (threatening?) to birth a fourth film in the family friendly franchise. So after spreading their love and fecal matter throughout the Middle East and China, where should Rick and Evelyn O’Connell (aka Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello) go next? Well according to MTV the answer to that question is South America and/or Mexico!

In completely different interviews taking place days and miles apart, both Fraser and Bello suggested South American locales for a fourth mummy adventure. MTV seems to think Bello’s suggestion of “the Amazon” and Fraser’s possibility of “Peru” are “Geographically… too close for coincidence.” (We won’t tell them that parts of the Amazon actually extend into Peru…) Desperate for answers MTV tracked down director Cohen and made him spill the beans.

“What I’m really happy about is that, by taking ‘The Mummy’ out of Egypt and putting it in China, by exploring a different approach to the quest for immortality, we now have it clear that the ‘Mummy’ franchise can travel,” he said. “Now we know that if we want to go to Mexico or we want to go to Peru, we can because there’s a cultural truth there of the mummies and these beautiful cultures… So I think that somehow that might make the basis of a good story.”

Cohen then added that if you thought the Yetis from Tomb of the Dragon Emperor were cool, you’ll be shitting yourselves when the Chupacabras attack.

Disaster Movie Obviously Has Nothing to do with Anything

Neil Miller — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 22:38:56 +0000

In general, covering the world of film is much like being a politician in this country — no matter what you say, there will always be people who think you are an asshole. As well, with every statement about a film you are always questioned, never able to bring 100% of people together on any one issue. However unlike politics, our world does have its one great equalizer: the filmography of spoof movie makers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Their films have been an amazing unifying force in entertainment in that we can all agree that everything from Date Movie to Epic Movie to Meet the Spartans has been sloppy, unintelligent trash disguised as irreverence. Not to sound like an elitist, but these guys make The Love Guru look like Ghandi – and oddly enough, those movies both shared the presence of Sir Ben Kingsley.

With their next film Disaster Movie, Friedberg and Seltzer have decided to take every ounce of feedback they’ve gotten on their past films and continue to do the opposite. Though critics have drowned them in a sea of negativity, calling out the incoherence of their films — which includes for example, the Paris Hilton and Stomp the Yard scenes withing a sword-and-sandals parody. In fact, Disaster Movie appears to be a spoof on films such as The Day After Tomorrow and An Inconvenient Truth, but you wouldn’t know that from the trailer below, as all we see are a smattering of clips that involve Iron Man, Hancock, The Incredible Hulk, Hannah Montana and the princess from Enchanted. In this instance, should we decide to play a game of “Which One of These Things Doesn’t Belong”, the answer would be easy: Friedberg and Seltzer.

Should you desire to push yourself further into depression about the state of American culture, I would suggest the following clip for your viewing… um, pleasure:

And just when we’d thought we’d had enough of this film today, the studio was kind enough to send over the fourth in a line of posters for the film. It to, does nothing to explain what the hell is going on in the movie. Although, we have an idea that the filmmakers probably haven’t figured it out yet, either. Disaster Movie creeps into theaters on August 29, 2008.

Film School Rejects » Hollywood is Dumb

Because You Asked For It: ‘Where’s Waldo?’ Being Adapted

Related Reading:

Now This is Happening: Spinning Into Butter

Related Reading:

Uwe Boll, Mike Myers Bring Home Big, Juicy Golden Rasberries

Related Reading:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine Screws Up Deadpool?

Related Reading:

Court Finds For Fox In ‘Watchmen’ Case, Rules Against WB

Related Reading:

Guest Editorial: The Impending Abyss Actors Call a Strike

Related Reading:

Will Smith Says Hello To ‘Hancock’ Sequel, Son Jaden Says Goodbye To ‘Karate Kid’ Crane Kick

Related Reading:

David Hasselhoff Brings the Heat to Beverly Hills Ninja 2

Related Reading:

Remake of John Carpenter’s The Thing is Actually… a Prequel?

Related Reading:

‘Max Payne’ Receives R Rating, Director John Moore Calls MPAA Nazi Cockgobblers

Related Reading:

A Handy User’s Guide to Turnaround, the Hollywood Loophole That Might Kill Watchmen

Related Reading:

Garth Ennis Loses ‘Preacher,’ Picks Up ‘The Boys’

Related Reading:

Kevin Smith Has Seen Transformers 2! Says It’s Better Than a Rimjob From Motherf*cking Teresa!

Related Reading:

The Mummy 4 Heads South of the Border In Search of Fabled Donkey Show

Related Reading:

Disaster Movie Obviously Has Nothing to do with Anything

Related Reading: