Blu-ray is a fantastic technology, for many reasons.  Having the wonderful world presented to you in glorious 1080 resolution is eye opening.  I’ve become an HD-snob and there are very few things I’ll bother watching in standard definition.  Even regular DVDs must go into an upconverting player for me to watch.  I’ve been spoiled.  Documentaries have long been held up as the most stunning examples of what HD can look like, with rave reviews for programs like Planet Earth being stated as prime examples of why you should make the switch to high definition.  I have my own idea of what the perfect HD program is.  Surprisingly it’s not some slasher film or hyped up action movie.  No, there is plenty there that can be underwhelming compared to expectations.  My perfect program is always about space.  There is just something about it.  The absolute blackness of space, presented in absolute black by the powerful high definition technology, pinpricked with brilliant dots of light, vibrant colors of strange planets.  A movie like Sunshine on Blu-ray, hell yeah.  Or now, a series like The History Channel’s The Universe. Double hell yeah.

When not watching movies, I am a total History Channel nerd.  I can’t get enough theoretical physics or explorations of distant planets, which serve as a reminder that despite being totally awesome, we’re about the most insignificant things in the entire universe.  Which is why I’m very excited to let you know that The Universe series is now on Blu-ray.  Three seasons are currently available on Blu-ray, though the one I’ll be speaking about is season two, which had some amazing episodes for a space junkie like myself.

The Universe Season Two is presented on 4 high-definition Blu-ray discs and features 18 episodes spanning a whopping 14+ hours of pure space awesome.  The MSRP for this set is a respectable $79.95, but if you shop Amazon you can get it for almost half off.  I want to call this season (or any season) of The Universe a must-own simply because of the jaw-dropping visuals of space presented on the Blu-ray format.  I mean heck, if you think the oceans look cool in hi-def, imagine the solar system.  The sound is nice where it needs to be, though this isn’t an action movie, but the real winner is the picture, again.  Maybe it’s just me, but staring into the blackness of space or watching some awesome nebula spin into view is just a great way to spend some time.  It’s better than the telescope sitting on my balcony – but that’s usually pointed at a nearby hotel anyways.

For those of you on the fence about checking this out, let me give a quick run down of my favorite episodes/subjects covered in Season Two, just to see if that can get you in the mood for some space exploration. (wink wink)

• 2.01 Alien Planets. An examination of far off planets that have some downright wacky/scary developments, like super dense water that, through the magic of physics, somehow forms a kind of hot ice.
• 2.02 Cosmic Holes. All giggling aside, black holes, white holes, mini holes, and worm holes are among the most interesting and maddening things in the entire universe.
• 2.03 Mysteries of the Moon. Earth is lucky.  We only have one moon, but in comparison to Earth it is gigantic when we talk about moons in general.  Plus, we can stare at it all night and look at it through our telescope.  This episode goes into a bit more about why the Moon is sweet.
• 2.05 Alien Moons. Did you know there are about 170 known moons in our Solar System alone?  Many scientists think the key to finding alien life might not be on alien planets, but on their orbiting moons.
• 2.06 Dark Matter/Dark Energy. No one really knows anything about this substance other than it exists.  And there’s a lot of it.
• 2.09 Supernovas. Your Blu-ray player was made to show stars explode.
• 2.14 Nebulas. Some of the most visually arresting things you’ll ever see.
• 2.18 Cosmic Apocalypse. Some day, everything we know will end.  While that may suck, it’s also an incredibly awesome subject to talk about.

All in all, you owe it to yourself and your Blu-ray player to pick up an awesome documentary and something featuring the vastness of space.  Why not make it this awesome show from The History Channel?

The Upside: An awesome journey through the universe in beautiful high definition.

The Downside: If you watch a lot of Season One, some of the episodes re-use material, though you can’t blame them too much.  Pricey if you buy it at MSRP.  Could also use a few more extras.

On the Side: Jupiter and Saturn have a whopping 124 known moons between them.  Your Anus Uranus has 27.

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• Another Look: Crank: High Voltage on Blu-ray

It’s always a toss-up when it comes to the question “Does this film need reviewed again?”  After all, we catch most titles in theaters so you already know what we thought of them.  Then again, when it comes to DVDs and Blu-rays, maybe you’re interested in picture quality and special features.  Or maybe, just maybe, Neil said that Crank: High Voltage was fun and gave it a B grade when really it was a piece of shit.  In that instance, yeah, the film needs reviewed again.

Crank left off with Chev Chelios falling thousands of feet straight down and hitting a car, and then the street, with what can only be described as fatal levels of brunt force trauma.  We all know that it would be implausible for a sequel to follow Chev, but so does the duo of “Neveldine/Taylor” as they insist on being credited, so to fix that issue they start out by, quite literally, having a character tell you this is all implausible bullshit, wink, and send you on your way.  What follows is some sort of violent, Three Stooges mash-up of strange noises and disjointed, rapid fire visuals.  It’s not so much a movie as a first person seizure.  It’s like a live action version of Itchy & Scratchy though somehow less intelligent.  If you like to giggle at flashes and don’t particularly care about story, structure, or competent filmmaking, this might just be the movie for you.

Crank 2 begins with Chelios being scraped off the street with a shovel, then being held to have his organs harvested.  He’s ok with his heart being take, but with some stereotypical doctor wants to cut off his “big white boy strong like horse” penis, he says fuck that and starts killing people and shoving guns up peoples asses.  The movie is full of video game imagery, as though Neveldine & Taylor want you to know that they know this is a silly fuck up of a movie and more video game than anything else.  Chev is in God-mode and nothing can slow him down or even come remotely close to hurting him.  The story, what little of it there is, follows Chev as he tracks down an Asian gang member who he believes has his heart.  Spoiler territory right here so take a moment to leave if you want, but honestly this won’t ruin the movie considering it doesn’t even matter…… And here we go.  It turns out that the Asian gangster Chev has been chasing doesn’t have the heart.  In fact he hasn’t had it in weeks.  It was put into a very old gang boss who is now really horny, because heart transplants work like that.  You may think the movie is now about Chev tackling this supposedly mythical Chinese demigod, but no, this David Carradine cameo takes up all of 55 seconds and is abandoned quickly, only to show up again towards the very end. No, the remainder of the story is Chev being captured and subsequently killing a relative of the bad dudes from the first movie.  Yup.  All that stolen heart shit really has nothing to do with the climax of the movie.  As you probably guessed, Chev “dies” but then at the end he’s no longer dead in case Crank 3 should happen.

As you can probably tell, I didn’t really like Crank 2. I thought the first hour or so was dreadful.  So dreadful it killed any chance of me giving this movie a positive review, despite the fact that I enjoyed the last 30 minutes.  I could keep telling you what I didn’t like – the lack of story, the absurd things that happen for no reason like Chev trying to grind a rail and busting his nuts or the time when Chev farts or the inclusion of Bai Ling, the camera work, the nonsensical and needlessly stylized subtitles and cutaways – but that would take thousands of words.  Instead, I’ll tell you what I liked.  There was plenty of violence and a lot of boobs.  The public sex scene, while perhaps going on too long, is actually very, very funny.  Jason Statham is always good at what he does – he should be doing better.  Amy Smart is hot and skanky and the aforementioned Asian gangster (Art Hsu) is mostly pretty cool and funny.  The Godzilla-esque fight is nonsensical and strange, but gets high marks from me for the design of Jason Statham’s gigantic chin none the less.  It also culminates in a pretty funny punchline.

In terms of special features you get an audio commentary with Neveldine/Taylor or a “BonusView” mode with cast and crew.  There is a making-of feature that is informative, a featurette, and a gag reel.  The special features mostly revolve around Nevildine & Taylor talking about the film and their journey to making it, basically admitting the whole thing was a lark they never thought would get greenlight.  It’s a very interesting look into the minds of two young, new to the game, verging on success writer/directors.  Much like their movies, you’ll either love them or hate them.  The most interesting special feature to me, however, was the one in which they highlight what they refer to as “fuck ups.”  You see, when you toss out all the normal rules of filmmaking, like blocking your shots and keeping continuity and opt to instead rollerblade around and just point the camera wherever something is happening, you end up capturing a lot of shit you didn’t intend to.  This special feature highlights times when you can see the camera in frame, or reflections of lights, or actual lights, or crew members, or cops blocking off roads, assistant directors, or even a gigantic generator just sitting there.  I both like and hate this feature.  I like it because I did this back in high school myself.  You see, in my video presentation of The Scarlet Letter I fucked up 3 times.  Said the wrong name here, the wrong fact there.  Instead of fixing it, I just presented it to the class and said “I put in 3 mistakes on purpose to make sure you’re paying attention, I’ll quiz you after the video.”  It worked perfectly.  I got an A.  The teacher thought I did it on purpose.  So you see, they’re taking our ability to criticize away by readily and openly admitting their mistakes and having a producer say that this energy is more important than continuity.  Which is why I also hate it, as they readily admit to flaunting all the rules of making a movie, make tons of mistakes with no regard to story and are rather only concerned with the visual.  If people want to blast Michael Bay for his visuals and try to tear apart every little scene, whether there were 5 or 6 Decepticons coming up from the sea floor, or this or that, I would hope they shit themselves with rage while watching this movie, otherwise they’re hypocrites.

Picture wise, the movie is presented in 1080p High Definition and looks crisp.  The style of the movie is frenetic and somewhat oversaturated on video, which means you won’t be blown away by the picture on Blu-ray, but it is clean and well presented.  The audio is loud, loud, and louder, often aggressively jumping back and forth.  Turn it down when the shit hits the fan and you can’t hear the dialog (odds are they’re just saying: Fuck you, Chelios, as its virtually the only dialog in the film), but if you turn it up you’re liable to wake the neighbors.  The disc could have used another special feature or two, but it does come with a digital copy and compared to other releases, is pretty tight.

If you’re addicted to any sort of stimulant, you might enjoy Crank 2 so pick up the Blu-ray.  However, if you like your movies with story, skip it.  Like I said, I hated the first 60 minutes and liked the next 30.  The last 5 minutes, or the very end, I again wasn’t crazy about.  So 30 enjoyable minutes of of 95.  Not a good ratio, but not so bad that I have to slap it with an F.  In the end, Jason Statham is cool enough, the boobs are naked enough, and the violence is over the top enough to avoid utter worthlessness, but I can’t say I recommend this film to anyone.  I know this film has its fans, but I’ll never be one.  I can appreciate working outside the system and fucking the rules, but I can’t appreciate a lack of craft and story.  Procede to call me an idiot below.

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Rob Hunter loves movies.  He also loves training friends and strangers alike in the deadly and mystical way of Jewish martial arts. These two joys come together in the form of cash money payments that he receives every week and immediately uses to buy more DVDs.  So join us each week as he takes a look at new DVD releases and gives his highly unqualified opinion as to which titles are worth BUYing, which are better off as RENTals, and which should be AVOIDed at all costs.

Click on any of the titles below to magically head over to Amazon.com and pick up the DVD.  And don’t forget to check out Neil Miller’s hilariously titled This Week In Blu-raycolumn for reviews on the latest high definition Blu-ray releases!

Kapap Combat Concepts: Martial Arts of the Israeli Special Forces

Pitch: They will look for you. They will find you. And they will kill you. Or for a small fee they’ll teach you how to kill instead.

Why Buy? If you’re interested in learning about self defense why not go with a team that’s proven their abilities time and again? Sure a few bystanders may get bruised up a bit in one of their kerfuffles, but when these guys go in no bad guys come out.

Blu-ray? No

Extra Features? An “I kick ass for the Lord!” bumpersticker. (That’s not true, but it sure would have been cool).

Sin Nombre

Pitch: A young, Honduran girl travels north for a better life… a young, Mexican gangbanger runs north to save his life… together they put a very human face on illegal immigration and tell a fascinating story at the same time.

Why Buy? “Sweet, severe and haunting, Sin Nombre is a story about hope for people that shouldn’t even know the word.” FSR’s Cole Abaius said that (review here), and while I usually just laugh and then immediately rinse my eyes after reading his awkward and flowery words, this time he’s not actually not too far from the truth.  Director Cary Fukunaga’s debut feature is filled with drama, heart, and suspense, and if you walk away feeling anything less than impressed you’re probably a heartless, racist illiterate. (I kid of course, you’re entitled to your own incorrect opinion. Welcome to America!)

Blu-ray? No

Extra Features? Deleted scenes, commentary

Earth

Pitch: Disney’s Nature division tries to out-discover The Discovery Channel with this doc about animal families and flesh-eating.

Why Rent? Fantastic visuals and images are hampered by a terrible script so this is a great film to watch on mute with your own symphonic score accompanying it from a cd/mp3 player. Or better yet, just check out Planet Earth instead… it’s a much longer BBC series that this film was culled from.

Blu-ray? Yes

Extra Features? Featurette

Good Dick

Pitch: Giving hope to stalkers everywhere…

Why Rent? The story about an oddball videostore clerk who becomes obsessed with an equally odd, porn-loving customer could have gone terribly wrong. Luckily, first-time writer/director/star Marianna Palka turns the premise into something a little bit sweet and a little bit smart.

Blu-ray? No

Extra Features? None

State of Play

Pitch: Deadlines, corruption, and murder… just an average week at Reject HQ.

Why Rent? FSR’s Cole Abaius hated it (review here) because it reminded him of a childhood spent potty-training on spread-out newspapers (to be fair, he has a few other reasons too), but the movie’s actually a pretty good little thriller about mid-level political corruption and journalism. Russell Crowe carries his paunch well and there’s at least one unexpected twist, so it’s worth a rental on a slow night.

Blu-ray? Yes

Extra Features? Deleted scenes, featurette

Sugar

Pitch: Minor league dreams meet immigrant ambitions by way of small-town America.

Why Rent? I’m no fan of baseball, but this little movie is about much more than the sport. It gives insight into the minor leagues as well as the importation of foreign (Dominican Republic) players into the game. It’s less of a “big game climax” kind of movie and more about the characters, the struggles, and the challenges of this lifestyle. Not a great movie, but still a hell of a lot better than the directors’ wildly overrated Half Nelson.

Blu-ray? Yes

Extra Features? Deleted scenes, featurettes

Supernatural: The Complete Fourth Season

Pitch: It’s The Hardy Boys for a new millennium but with horror instead of greedy land-developers (same amount of hair spray/gel though).

Why Rent? This is basically a nice little monster-of-the-week show that’s developed a solid mythology along through its four season run so far. The pretty-boy actors can actually act, the effects are often impressive for TV, and the stories are fairly interesting. You’ll want to start with the first season to get the ongoing back story straight, and you’ll also have the pleasure of watching a show actually get better with age.

Blu-ray? Yes

Extra Features? Deleted scenes, commentaries, gag reel, featurette

Take Out

Pitch: Will give you something to think about next time you order Chinese food for delivery. Of course, you’ll be wanting to think of something else thirty minutes later.

Why Rent? Very indie (in the truest sense of the word, not the soundtrack sense), very dark, and pretty good, the movie looks at the slightly exaggerated daily grind of a modern day illegal immigrant living and working in NYC. It’s not fun, and only parts are truly entertaining, but worth a watch for fans of low-budget cinema.

Blu-ray? No

Extra Features? Commentary, deleted scenes, featurette

America

Pitch: Rosie O’Donnell saves America one child at a time. Or she just saves one child named America. Either way… Rosie O’Donnell.

Why Avoid? It’s a Lifetime movie, so you really shouldn’t expect much. Add in O’Donnell, an incredibly bleak storyline, and a not so subtle indictment of the foster care system, and you have a movie that just may drive you to suicide. Of course then you run the risk of O’Donnell being assigned to be your therapist…

Blu-ray? No

Extra Features? None

Bring It On: Fight To The Finish

Pitch: Cheerleaders belong in R-rated movies, not PG-13 ones. This same rule applies to Asian girls, lesbians, nurses, ninjas, teachers, and piano teachers.

Why Avoid? There are those among us (Fure and Abaius I think) who dig this series, and then there are those of us with taste. Maybe it’d be better if they didn’t completely recycle the same storyline each installment. Maybe it’d be better if the cheerleaders took more showers together. I don’t know, but as it stands not even master thespian Christina Milian can save this.

Blu-ray? Yes

Extra Features? Deleted scenes, featurettes

Drifter: Henry Lee Lucas

Pitch: The Bold and the Beautiful and the Transient and the Deadly

Why Avoid? If you feel compelled to watch a movie about this particular real-life serial killer, just rent Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer instead. It’s still done on the cheap, but it’s also done a lot better. And it probably goes without saying, but Michael Rooker is a far more convincing actor than Antonio Sabato Jr.

Blu-ray? No

Extra Features? None

Heroes: Season Three

Pitch: Mix too many characters, too many storylines, and too little writing talent, and what do you have? Heroes: Season Three.

Why Avoid? I was on the Heroes freight train all through the first season until the piss-poor finale and the ridiculous season two premiere. It all went downhill from there, and this season continues the trend. Plotlines that start and disappear, characters that seemingly change personalities every episode or so based on a writer’s whim, and an overall sense of deja vu as the same stories and decisions are repeated again and again.

Blu-ray? Yes

Extra Features? Commentaries, deleted scenes, featurettes

Tennessee

Pitch: Mariah Carey is an abused waitress who takes flight with two brothers on a road trip looking for bone marrow. Yeah.

Why Avoid? Carey is an easy enough target here, but she’s only part of the movie. And not really the worst part either. That’d be the script. (Carey comes second).

Blu-ray? No

Extra Features? None

Click below for more:

What are you buying on DVD this week?

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Whether or not you’ve actually seen Gigantor before, undoubtedly you’ve either heard or hummed his theme song at one point or another.  Everyone with me now: Bigger than big, taller than taller, quicker than quick, stronger than strong! If you ask me, those are some damn good qualifications for being an awesome giant robot.  In a time when terminators and transformers explode across our 100 feet theater screens, it might be easy to forget about our first gigantic Japanese import – but never fear for the big guy is here on DVD.

Finally collected and put out are the first 26 episodes of the series, in their original intended order.  Always nice when the cards line up, I say.  For those of you unfamiliar, Gigantor is a giant freaking robot created by the awesomely named Dr. Bob Brilliant to fight against monsters, robots, and terrorists.  In creating this unstoppable smashing machine, fully equipped with built in rockets, Dr. Brilliant did the most sane and logical thing – wired control of the machine to a unit that was no more advanced than an Atari-2600 controller and entrusted it to ace pilot 12 year old boy, Jimmy Sparks.

Historically, Gigantor is important in that it was really the second bit of anime to come out of Japan after Astro Boy and the first to feature what would become the staple of Japanese entertainment for years to come – giant robots.  The animation is of the time and as such mostly simple.  Some scenes just have action lines moving, or a characters mouth, or Gigantor’s rockets firing.  If you’re looking for some fast paced action robot slap-up, you’ve dialed into the wrong robot.  If, however, you are looking for classic animation that mixes the delightfully cheesy with a significant dose of cartoon history, Gigantor will punch his way into your heart.

Here is the official line on what the DVD Collector’s Set contains:

Enlightening extras include an in-depth interview and audio commentary on select episodes with director/producer/writer Ladd, and an interview with anime historian Fred Patten from Animation World magazine.  In addition, this deluxe set features special DVD-ROM content – issues 1-6 of the Gigantor comic book series from Ben Dunn and Antarctic Press, published in 2000.  The 4-disc set also includes a 16-page collectible booklet with a brief history of the series, episode summaries as well as rare archival press materials/photos.

That doesn’t mention the main selling point for all you fans – 26 uncut black and white episodes digitally transferred from the 16mm original.  You’re simply not going to find most of this stuff anywhere ever, but if you did, it’s not going to look as good as it does now.  If you’ve never watched Gigantor before, you might not be won over by the plain animation but the chance to see something of historic significance should prove enough to offset that initial hesitation.  Plus there are episodes like Robot Olympics or Battle at the Bottom of the World which features a submarine disguised as a whale.  Yeah.

For being campy and light hearted fun, the show gets itself a solid:

While this DVD collection, for its small collection of extras but great transfer of the original material gets:

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The first several seasons of “The X-Files” rank as some of the best entertainment television has to offer. They deftly mixed creatures, characters, and creative storytelling together to form a captivating show with more hits than misses.  Episodes were divided between the mythology, which explored the series’ story arc of aliens and Mulder’s missing sister, and stand alone episodes referred to as the monster-of-the-week.  I was always more partial to the latter style where each episode brought new creatures and challenges without the heavy burden of deep conspiracies and back story.  The show was eventually consumed by cast changes, confusion, and mediocrity, and there’s been nothing approaching it’s monster-filled greatness on TV since.  Until now.

“Primeval” is a British show about a team of scientists and government agents investigating a series of time portals, or temporal anomalies, or doorways into the prehistoric past, or glittery light shows from whence deadly creatures emerge… let’s just call them time portals.  Professor Nick Cutter (Douglas Henshall), his assistant Stephen Hart (James Murray), and student/hipster geek Connor Temple (Andrew-Lee Potts) get word of a possible creature roaming the Forest of Dean outside of London.  Cutter’s interest is more than simply professional… his wife disappeared in those woods eight years ago.  They head out expecting nothing more than a prank but soon discover their first portal… and the two prehistoric creatures that have come through.  One of them is a small, harmless, flying reptile, but the other is a large, carnivorous beast hungry for a meaty snack.  The discovery brings them in contact with a very cute herpetologist named Abbie Maitland (Hannah Spearritt) and Claudia Brown (Lucy Brown), a mysterious agent from the government’s home office.  Together they work to contain and return the beasts to their time or when necessary to kill them.  As season one’s six episodes unfurl the mystery and danger behind the portals will deepen with more threatening beasts, unexpected deaths, the return of Cutter’s wife, and one fantastic, jaw-dropping cliffhanger.  And did I mention several episodes feature the sexy, blonde pixie Abbie in her underwear?

As a monster-of-the-week show “Primeval” succeeds brilliantly.  Since the portals are time based all of zoology is fair game, and since they work forward as well as back there’s room for cryptozoological beasts, hybrids, and original creations too.  Seasons one and two, both included in BBC Video’s Primeval Volume One DVD, feature various dinosaurs, giant insects and worms, deadly parasites, saber tooth tigers, futuristic mammalian monsters, a very endearing flock of dodo birds, and many, many more.  The common thread between them as is that they all look fantastic on-screen.  “Primeval” was created by Tim Haines and Adrian Hodges, and the two of them were also responsible for the “Walking With Dinosaurs” series which aired to great acclaim on the Discovery Channel here in the US.  That series of specials is known for high quality CGI used to bring creatures from the past back to life, and “Primeval” takes full advantage of similar but far more advanced and impressive technology.  Episode six features two especially cool f/x highlights in the form of a vicious creature from the future and it’s bobble-headed babies.  When the beast goes head to head with an elephant-sized prehistoric creature it results in one of the best CGI vs CGI fight you’ve ever seen.

Fans of conspiracies and longer story arcs should be equally pleased with “Primeval.”  Cutter’s missing wife, Helen (Juliet Aubrey), reappears filled with secrets, lies, and hidden agendas.  She’s been living in and out of the past and has come to learn more than a little about the portals.  Cutter must deal with her return and her betrayal while at the same time nurturing a growing attraction to Brown.  Government involvement deepens as the dangers grow and often get out of hand.  It’s debatable which threat poses more danger to the team and their lives… the various creatures?  The shadowy government agents?  Or a manipulative and deceptive Helen…

The impressive and cool monsters, effects, and story lines would be nothing though without characters worth watching.  “Primeval” gets high marks here for a very well balanced cast imbued with personality, charm, wit, and a dash of sexy-as-hell (courtesy of Spearritt, above).  Henshall presents a perfect balance of the stoic and the amused while Murray captivates as the closest thing the show has to an action hero.  Potts does a fine job, but the character of Temple alternates between entertaining and annoying a bit too frequently.  His pining for the herpetologist is well done though, and really, who can blame him?  Spearritt is a beautiful little spitfire with a penchant for walking around in her underwear and a midriff-baring tang-top.  She can act too, if you’re in to that kind of thing.  Brown’s Brown (?) doesn’t get many chances to be sexy, but she does a fine job of showcasing her professional and personal interests in Cutter and his investigations.  The cast has great chemistry and all of them work just as well with the effects scenes as they do with the dramatic.

“Primeval” is a fun show filled with action and effects, emotion and intrigue, small blondes in smaller underwear… but as fantastic as all of that is, it’s the characters that hooked me and made the series required viewing.  It may not reach the heights of “The X-Files” but it comes closer than any other show on TV, and that is a major accomplishment.

“Primeval” is currently in it’s third season (or series) on ITV (although this review only covers season one).  BBC America brings season three to US television starting this weekend, and BBC Video released Primeval Volume One on DVD which includes seasons one and two.  WB recently acquired the film rights to the show with plans for a feature to begin production by next year.

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• Natalie Portman pulls out of Wuthering Heights

Ink tells the fairy tale of the world that exists while we’re asleep. It’s a world where storytellers enter our rooms to give us good dreams and ghoulish incubuses spread darkness over our sleeping forms in order to induce nightmares. It’s a world where those lost souls stuck in the middle are forced to slave out an eternity of obscurity and decay or to try to join the storytellers or the incubuses. It’s a world where a little girl becomes a bargaining chip for Ink, one such lost soul, to earn his place amongst the elite of the dark side. On the flip side of reality, that young girls’ father John (Chris Kelly) has lost his way – bracing his existence against the warm glow of financial success and the sun shining through the windows of his corner office. In the dream world – his daughter (Quinn Hunchar) has been kidnapped. In the real world, she’s gone into a coma, and her father might be the only way to pull her out of it.

I could write paragraphs more trying to shore up a synopsis for this film, but it defies succinctness. The story itself involves a lot of mythology all coming together at once, told beautifully, as well as a host of characters that play pivotal roles. The young girl, Emma, stands in the middle of a whirlwind of forces attempting to either keep her safe or deliver her into harm’s way. Storytellers, a blind pathfinder who uses the beat and rhythm of life to find where she’s being taken, the incubuses awaiting her arrival and keeping her father knee deep in dark thoughts, and her dad who needs to wake up from his own personal coma in order to be a man and save the little girl he loves.

The film itself tells the story through sweeping visuals. Comparisons to Dark City are warranted, but Ink is far more dynamic, blending moments of intense light with the dankness of the city sewers, the sepia tones of a dream-like forest, and the brutish reality of John’s office life. All of this makes the dark moments that much more striking. Plus, the FX work done by Jamin Winans and company is mind-blowing considering the budget. The incubuses feature a glass plate which distorts their features into what looks like an electrified green static field, the initial fight scene features a cool effect where anything damaged (tables, chairs, windows) reform instantly so that reality won’t be disturbed, storytellers and Ink jump between the dream world and reality with a camera flash of brilliant light.

Still, it’s difficult to describe in words. This is a movie that needs to be seen, and it’s a film that deserves to be celebrated.

Aside from the FX, the story itself is woven together deftly, especially considering how many pieces of the puzzle are up in the air at once. The film shifts easily between showing John’s struggle to come to terms with where his life has led him and his daughter’s journey deeper into the middle world between dreams and reality as the prisoner of Ink. What’s more, the characters (beyond the truly-frightening incubuses and the unquestionably good storytellers) are all multi-layered. Ink, in particular, is a wonderful character that is fleshed out throughout the story – moving from antagonist and kidnapper into a sympathetic character that’s committing a desperate act to feel power again. Likewise, Emma moves from creative young girl into a brave lioness of a child who stands up to her captor. The most detailed character is John – and in a way it’s his film – a man who seems to have had the world at one point, but threw it away on success, 80-hour work weeks, and the thrill of too many drinks after work. As his personal history is retold, we get a complete view of a man who once had love but lost it, a man who has driven himself insane.

What results is an incredible achievement in recasting a good versus evil story by creating an epic that’s grounded in the roots of very common everyday fears. It’s a fantasy world connected firmly to reality. It’s a phenomenal look at an inner struggle come to life with the brilliant attention to visual detail of a master painter.

All in all, Ink is a movie that has the potential to reach cult status. It’s a dark fairy tale that is never quite fully dreamlike and never fully set in the real world. Director Jamin Winans has created an indie that sets itself apart from other indies by attacking the fantasy/science fiction genre and displaying some incredible visuals – so much so that it should stand as a beacon for what indies are truly capable of, pushing that boundary just a little further.

Editor’s Note: Ink is coming out on Friday, March 13th, at the Starz Film Center at the Tivoli in Denver. The filmmakers are hoping that the release will catch the attention of a distributor. If you happen to be in Denver, this is a good shot at seeing a great film.

Related Reading:

• Holy Crap: The ‘Ink’ Trailer Will Melt Your Face Off
• ‘Ink’ Producer Responds to Piracy
• Reject Radio: Episode 26: AHOY
• Is There An Upside to Piracy?
• This Week In DVD: November 10th
• Exclusive: Anthony Mackie Talks ‘Hurt Locker,’ the Oscars and Upcoming Projects
• The Paranormal Activity Trailer: What Is It?
• New ‘Rapunzel’ Image Shows Hair Bondage

Breckin Meyer, known to most of you as the lead in Road Trip and funny supporting roles in Clueless and Can’t Hardly Wait (and known to some of you for starring in Garfield) is writing a script called Superguys, described as “Ocean’s 11 with idiots set at Comic-Con.” According to /Film, Meyer, who also writes for the Seth Green-produced “Robot Chicken,” is scribing based on a story by Harry Elfont and Deb Kaplan (A Very Brady Sequel).

Intriguing. Although it sounds like Fanboys Part II, it could benefit from being broader in its scope of humor. Of course, some of this movie writes itself: overweight dudes dressed in Lycra spandex is always comic gold; celebrity cameos will be bountiful; and since Meyer writes for “Robot Chicken,” expect to see some scenes filmed in stop-motion animation using Todd McFarlane toys (at least that’s what I always picture when I go to Wizard World).

Though I don’t know much about the plot, I can imagine it has something to do with stealing an advanced copy of a film or something like that. I remember going to a comic convention where Chris Nolan, Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, and Aaron Eckhart took questions and we got a look at Heath Ledger’s Joker several months before the trailer came out. I remember thinking, “There’s got to be like 6 bodyguards protecting that footage right now.” Something like that would be fun to watch, and obviously the stakes would have to be higher.

It would also work if Meyer truly did approach this like an Ocean’s 11 script. Light-hearted and fun, with tons of notable faces playing into the ensemble. I mean, one could tap the cast of the underrated Can’t Hardly Wait and you’d get a great cast for this type of movie (Meyer, Ethan Embry, Charlie Korsmo, Seth Green, Freddy Rodriguez, Jason Segel, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt in the Julia Roberts role).

Superguys has not yet been picked up for production but we’ll keep you posted.

Would you like to see a Comic-Con caper?

Related Reading:

• ‘Tron’ To Do Battle with ‘Smurfs’ and ‘Green Hornet’
• Exclusive: Brea Grant Talks Halloween 2
• SDCC Review: Give ‘Em Hell Malone
• BREAKING: Rejects Staff Arrested En Route to Comic-Con
• Review: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
• TV Review: House 5.3 – Adverse Events
• Movie Style Guy: LL Cool Nerds
• Comic-Con: More Pieces to the Saw V Puzzle

I could lie to you and say I’m a very busy guy, but sometimes no matter what the reason, we movie watchers fall behind. There are nearly a dozen films that I missed out on providing theatrical reviews for and missed a few DVD releases on top of that. Which is why I’m going to play catch up for the next week and change. New reviews will still take priority for the Thursday Report, but I’ll regularly be posting my catch up reviews as they’re ready.

First up, Saw V, the sequel that is part prequel to the late October franchise. In this installment, Agent Strahm is on the trail of a possible second Jigsaw assistant shortly after the events of Saw IV. The movie makes no bones about hiding the identity of the assistant so I won’t either – Detective Hoffman is the new man with a demented plan in the series. This flick shows his admittedly pretty good reasons for taking up the pig mask in search of street justice. In a concurrent storyline, a group of five interconnected people must decide whether to work together or fend for themselves as they navigate an extensive hallway from hell.

Kills

We see six fresh victims for the series and a few other deaths are shown in flashbacks, as well as a body or three shown from the previous films.

Ills

Obviously I can’t go too deeply into this area, as the main (only?) reason to watch a Saw film is for the creative kills. That aside, there are bullet wounds,a decapitation, crushed hands, a body cut in half, stomach bits flung around, some stabbings, and plenty of shots of gore.

Lust

I’m crushing on Julie Benz but there isn’t much to work with here.

Learning

Live a good life or face the consequences. Also, never hesitate with a trap. Once you know the game, it’s better to just get it over with rather than cut it close and risk dying after a considerable amount of pain.

Review

I wasn’t sure how I was going to react to this film as I’m very hit-or-miss with the Saw franchise. I didn’t see what the big deal about the first one was, didn’t love the second, really liked the third, and pretty much hated the fourth. The fifth was a small step back in the right direction for the franchise and I’d say it was definitely better than IV and around the same level as II. Unfortunately, the team behind this installment seems to have forgotten the rules of the game in at least one instance. *Spoilers Upcoming* For Jigsaw to let you die, you have to have first done something wrong. You need to be in a position to rehabilitate. Agent Hoffman found himself in two traps – the first he was in for not heeding a warning, but he escaped. The second, pretty much the same. Basically, Hoffman is being punished for not listening to the bad guy and being a good cop. It really is a shame, considering Scott Patterson could have made for an interesting lead in chasing Jigsaw Jr or whatever we call the next in line. But instead, he’s killed for “not listening to the warning,” which last I checked, is complete bullshit.

That’s not the only problem with the film – some kills are executed with weak CGI and none of them are really that inventive. Nor are they even that hard to figure a way around. Add on top of that the 30 minutes of film dedicated to exposition and 30 dedicated to flashbacks and you’re only left with 30 minutes of new movie. But this is really a story about setting up away for the franchise to continue. Jigsaw is definitely dead. Tobin Bell is in the film for awhile and gives us a little insight into his character – he’s probably the best part of the film despite his limited appearance.

On the positive side of things, there are some rather tense moments in the film, but they’re brief and often interrupted by a flashback or a meaningless rhetorical question raised to fill the audience in on what has happened. The brightest part, if you consider this good news, is that the franchise now has a blank check to move forward. Pretty much everything has been tidied up and organized and now the films can go forward without the handicap of a dying or dead Jigsaw John, though assuredly we haven’t seen the last of him.

For fans of the franchise, this is definitely better than that turd IV and is similar in structure to II, so if that sounds like something you’re interested in, by all means grab this DVD. It comes with features on the kills, on editing, and has some commentaries. It also has a (literal) plethora of Lionsgate trailers.

What are your thoughts on the Saw franchise?

Related Reading:

• Review: Saw VI
• Julie Benz to Sex Up Saw V
• SDCC: Saw VII in the Works, New Saw VI Poster Revealed
• Bousman to Take Everyone to the Slaughterhouse
• Discuss: Do You Want a 9th ‘Saw’ Film?
• Coroner Catchup: The Last House in the Woods
• Review: In Regards to Your Movie, ‘Saw V’
• Boiling Point: No Love for Horror this October

Several questions raced through my mind while watching Steven Seagal’s newest direct-to-DVD film, Against the Dark. The most common one was, “Don’t I have anything better to do?” A close second was, “Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?” But right behind that one was, “What the hell is wrong with Seagal’s voice?” The answers to the first and second were an easy (and unfortunate) “No,” but I had to wait eighty-nine brutal minutes before I got the unexpected answer to the third.

Against the Dark opens with narration describing a viral infection that has swept across the globe. The virus is called Boyleromeroitus, or at least it should be as the affected are a direct combination of Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later and George Romero’s Dead movies. They’re fast, aggressive, and have an appetite for human flesh. (The movie is being billed as Seagal vs. vampires, but these baddies are less interested in sucking your blood than they are in eating your spleen.) Seagal is Commander Tao, leader of an ass-kicking quartet of neighborhood watch commandos known as hunters. He’s joined by Tagart (Tanoai Reed) and two mute, helpless, mildly hot women. (So make that an ass-kicking duo.) The group wanders the streets killing the infected with guns, swords, and judo chops, but when they enter a hospital housing the last human survivors in the city, it’s a race against time (and the dark!) before the military nukes the entire place.

This could have been an entertaining movie. Really. Seagal still has the occasionally cool move, a truly impressive feat for the rotund and squinty-eyed action star, and dropping him into a horror movie is an inspired idea. Unfortunately, the idea and the execution are worlds apart. Seagal himself is one of the biggest problems (and no, that’s not because he looks like a pregnant Eskimo). He rarely speaks, he spends way too much time walking up and down hallways, most of his fights consist of tepid swordplay, and he’s in less than half of the movie. The rest of it follows the mentally challenged group of survivors holed up inside the hospital as they try to make their way down to a security door before it automatically locks them in to die. (Is this a common feature in hospitals?) The questions commence. Why wouldn’t they just exit through the same doors they entered or maybe through a window? Why would they take the elevator when the generator’s threatening to die and one of the characters actually says they shouldn’t because the power might go out while they’re inside? (And it does.) Why do they warn that the virus is super contagious via blood, saliva, etc., but choose to fight with swords and walk all willy nilly through bloody corpses and body parts? Why are the survivors in the hospital referred to as the “last of humanity” when there’s a bustling military camp right outside the city? Speaking of the military, why the hell aren’t they the ones eliminating the infected instead of Tao, Tagart, and their two pieces of leather-clad eye candy? And speaking of the survivors, why do they wander around repeatedly refusing to pick up weapons of any kind?

Oh, and what the hell is wrong with Seagal’s voice? This one I can answer. Per the end credits, Tao’s voice belongs to one Alin Olteanu. What the fuck?

If Against the Dark has one bright spot it’s Tanoai Reed. He’s commonly described as Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s cousin, but his work should really stand on its own. As Johnson’s stunt double over the years, Reed has been a part of some fantastic action scenes including the amazing work in The Rundown. He finally gets a chance to play an actual character here, and while his acting skills need some more work his fighting is top-notch. The movie gives him multiple opportunities to showcase his skills too. Tagart repeatedly splits from the group to go clean out different areas, and each time finds him fighting multiple baddies. Presumably Tao spends this time banging the two women.

There’s really no getting around the fact that Against the Dark is a bad movie. (Although I expect Fure to chime in shortly telling me how wrong I am again, but he watches all of his movies drunk so his opinion is suspect.) There are a few early scenes of carnage and flesh-eating, but not enough to satisfy gorehounds. Action fans are left wanting as the movie slows to a crawl way too often, and with only a couple exceptions (Reed) the fights are pretty lame. Fans of Seagal will be unsatisfied with his limited appearances. Comedy fans however, may find some unintentional laughs here. A few can be found in the DVD’s sole special feature, a “making of” doc, including one of the producers claiming the film’s virus “is like nothing you’ve ever seen before in that it causes human beings to only want to feed on blood.” One scene in the movie itself that warranted multiple viewings features Seagal’s (sorry, Olteanu’s) longest piece of dialogue, and it’s awesome. He manages to be simultaneously half-urban, half-cajun, and all man.

Come here boy. Listen man. I’m gonna give you dis. Now, you take the women and the girl up top. Head south. There’s a safe camp d’ere. You get everybody safe you hear? This is a fully auto pistol. It goes fast so don’t spend it all in one place you hear? Get going. Get safe.”

Against the Dark will be released by Sony Pictures DVD on February 10th. Check out the trailer below.

The Upside: Tanoai Reed is surprisingly charismatic and manages some fairly exciting fight scenes

The Downside: Seagal is basically a supporting character here; much of the action remains unseen due to extremely dark cinematography; stupid behavior; weak swordplay; stock footage; Seagal is apparently dubbed; the ending features the veiled threat of a sequel

Related Reading:

• Steven Seagal: Vampire Slayer
• Steven Seagal Gets Some Vampire Action in ‘Against the Dark’
• Exclusive: ‘New Moon’ Screenwriter Talks Adapting Empty Pages and ‘Eclipse’ Additions
• Fantastic Fest Review: Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant
• Is This The Right Cast For The ‘Let The Right One In’ Remake?
• Why Park Chan-Wook’s ‘Thirst’ Isn’t Worth the Hype
• Maggie Q to Kick Vampire Ass in ‘Priest’
• Has Robert Rodriguez’ Machete Out-Casted The Expendables?

Recently I got the chance to review a film from director Steve Miner.  If the name sounds familiar, you might remember him from his directorial efforts like Friday the 13th Part II, Friday the 13th Part 3D, House, Warlock, and Lake Placid. Naturally, I was a little bit surprised when I popped Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous (Previously called “Major Movie Star”) into the player and was confronted with not masked killers, malicious houses, gigantic crocodiles, or Julian Sands, but rather with Jessica Simpson.  As a critic though, it’s important to step away from your favorite genres and make sure you can judge a movie without precondition.  Also, did you see the cover of this DVD?  There are two gigantic reasons to watch it right there – yowza!

Private Valentine follows the story of Megan Valentine, a Jessica Simpson-esque movie star who finds her talking animal-buddy film flopping while her no good accountant swindlers her out of her $15.7 million fortune, leaving her broke and homeless.  After a night of painful realizations, drinking, and discovering her boyfriend’s unfortunate habit of having sex with men, she does the only logical thing – she joins the Army.  Once there, of course, she sticks out like a sore thumb and earns the ire of her First Sergeant.  Valentine has to battle her own pampered life style, the doubts of her fellow soldiers, all while attempting to rebuild some sort of semblance of her former life again.  Can she handle both?

Going into this film, I was hoping for a little bit of In the Army Now, a la Pauly Shore.  What I got was pretty standard popcorn fair.  The movie is actually pretty enjoyable.  It drags a little bit right around the 40 minute mark as they rush through some of the obligatory team bonding moments, but Jessica Simpson is at home here playing what appears to be a somewhat autobiographical role.  There are plenty of recognizable faces, like Cheri Oteri, Vivica A. Fox, and Steve Guttenberg to fill out the roles. Simpson gets to have a little fun taking shots at a character clearly modeled on/for her.  While she won’t blow you out of the water, she delivers an effective performance with a number of highlights, including stripper pole jokes and a scene where a group of female Privates (tee-hee!) eat chocolate bars seductively while cheesy porno music plays.  Not kidding.  There are also a few scenes in which Simpson shoots a gaze at the camera powerful enough to melt any man – this movie is worth watching for those moments alone.

Despite being somewhat predictable, the film is advertised and marketed as being a little bit of fun girl power and it hits the right notes for its target audience.  While I’m not in the demographic they’re aiming for, as I mentioned, there are a few genuine laugh out loud moments and the production seemed to have good cooperation with the army, as there is a lot of equipment and accurate uniforms.  If you’ve got a girl who is looking for some light hearted popcorn fun, any male can survive this film because, let’s be honest, Jessica Simpson is a completely, totally, utterly, drop dead gorgeous babe.    A light hearted, 25% In the Army Now 40% Private Benjamin 45% Jessica Simpson is Hot type of film that isn’t out to break records, shatter expectations, or make a difference in your life.  It’s just a fairly entertaining and strangely charming way to spend 98 minutes.

Related Reading:

• WTF?: Is Jessica Simpson the Next Direct-to-DVD Queen?
• Jessica Simpson Wants to Remake Pretty Woman

There was a time that the other Rejects and I were invited to everything from Star Trek Conventions to neighborhood LAN parties, and now we have to learn about Geek Boycotts through Nikki Finke’s blog? This is an outrage. What happened, friends? Didn’t we post enough about The Dark Knight? Didn’t we show enough outrage that it was snubbed? Are we just not fanboy enough anymore?

Either that or there is no boycott.

Finke posted up a blog entry praising the gusto of unnamed fan websites (ranging from Dark Knight to Star Trek for some reason), and you’ll probably be better off reading it yourself:

Good for the geeks! I’m told that movie sites dedicated to comic book heroes, Star Trek sequels, and everything else sci-fi, action-oriented, and gory are promising to boycott all promotion of this year’s Academy Awards because The Dark Knight wasn’t nominated for Best Picture. Why, they’re even refusing to display the new 1-sheet Oscar poster. Now stop laughing. You know that males under/over age 25 who hero-worship Batman and Spock and Jigsaw can’t wait to watch Hugh Jackman step out of his Wolverine makeup and start singin’ and dancin’ to open the Oscar telecast. In other words, Dark Knight’s hardcore fans make up the Academy Awards audience only for Lord Of The Ring or the technical awards. But I definitely agree with them — as I complained when the Oscar nods were announced — that Chris Nolan (who wasn’t nominated for Best Director) and his pic were both robbed.”

It’s got that sweet mix of praise and mockery that I love Nikki for. As for the boycott, since she didn’t name any sources or point to any actual sites doing it, I did a quick google search for “Oscar Boycott,” and (lo and behold!) the second most popular item is…her blog entry. There’s a few other random websites, but nothing from any major fansites, including the ones we frequent.

Is there some massive movement about to start that Nikki knows about that we don’t? Who’s refusing to display the new one sheet Oscar poster? There’s a one sheet Oscar poster?

So far there’s been a lot of idle chatter, but nothing seriously concrete – unless you count our very own Reject Boycott of Watching the Oscars Sober, but that seems like a totally different event.

My favorite part about the post is the responses. They range from a few level-headed arguments for why the film should have been considered to the angered cliche voices telling geeks to get a life. Which is awesome. It’s fantastic to try to watch people back-away from a film they were praising less than a year ago. We know – The Dark Knight wasn’t that great – it just made more money than every other movie ever except Titanic, which of course probably didn’t deserve an Oscar either.

I’m a major geek for The Dark Knight, and I openly admit it. But I don’t plan to boycott the Oscars. I plan on boycotting sobriety, but I love watching the Oscars. (Full disclosure: I’ve worked for the Academy Awards production).

So, either Finke is making this up out of thin air or there’s a geek movement out there that we weren’t invited to. Either way, I’m a little hurt. Not a lot. But a little.

Related Reading:

• New Moon Topples The Dark Knight’s Opening Day Record
• Christopher Nolan Holding Batman 3 Decision for Later
• SDCC: Where The Wild Things Are Footage
• SDCC: Oldman Announces ‘Batman 3′ Will Film Next Year
• Theaters About to Be Attacked by Onslaught of DC Comics
• Transformers 2 Tops $200 Million in Five Days
• 10 Most Awesome Movie Explosions Of All Time Ever
• WTF: This Article Is Not About Transformers!

Earlier today I got an email from a PR contact (who I imagine might not be sending me things anymore) that was, perhaps, one of the most insulting emails I’ve ever gotten. Granted, it’s not his fault. It’s the movie he’s promoting.

I can understand the frustration that must have gripped the producers of Confessions of a Shopaholic when an economic turn-down struck their audience base the very same week they released trailers in major theaters. However, it takes a special kind of arrogance to wait only a few months before releasing a film about a girl who blows through credit cards irresponsibly and annoyingly falls for a guy because he “speaks Prada.”

What kind of response are they expecting besides indifference or irritation?

Real people are being laid off from work. White collar and blue collar jobs are being shredded by the thousands. Banks are being taken over by other banks. Ponzi-scheming asshole are getting their mansions toilet papered. Hell, studios are in economic trouble, cutting jobs and even losing projects because the capital isn’t there. Now, Jerry Bruckheimer is about to drop a giant techni-color reminder that there may still be a few out there on spending sprees while the rest of us are warming our canned beans over the fire.

Exaggerations aside, I suppose the studio is hoping that this film will serve as Escapism for ailing consumers, offering them a glimpse at a dream life of spending and cutely working your way out of debt in exchange for ten dollars of hard-earned (or hard-saved) money.

I tried to have another response besides disgust when checking out these photos, which is hurtful because Isla Fisher is so adorable. But is this really the best time to release a film like this?

Sorry, Confessions, you missed the Legally Blonde apex of popularity by a few years.

Related Reading:

• FSR’s Weekly Report Card for 02.13.09
• Fat Guys at the Movies Ep. 103 – Friday the Fat-teenth
• WTF: Show Me the Mammaries!
• John Goodman & Joan Cusack join Isla Fisher in Shopaholic
• This Week In Blu-ray: Confessions of a Blu-ray Shopaholic
• DVD’s I Bought This Week: June 23rd
• The Reject Report Goes Shopping on Friday the 13th
• Movie Review: Definitely, Maybe

Every so often a movie comes along that makes you really wonder why some films premiere in theaters and others get shafted and go straight to Blockbuster. Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach is not one of those movies.

Seann William Scott stars as Gary. He becomes a tennis coach.

Honestly, I’m giving the movie too much credit by summarizing the plot even that much. It’s Scott playing an arrogant dipshit, a role he’s mastered, yet here he’s sleepwalking through it all. Can you phone in a performance when your playing a role like this? I’m not knocking Scott here either… he’s a niche actor like Michael Cera or Nicolas Cage and that’s fine. I loved him in the recent Role Models and in 2003’s The Rundown, both of which featured the same basic character. Besides Scott’s own enthusiasm though, the obvious difference seems to be with the quality of the material.

The movie wants to be an underdog comedy along the lines of Meatballs, The Bad News Bears, and The Replacements, but it can’t even reach the dizzyingly low heights of The Benchwarmers. The high school tennis team that Gary attempts to shape into winners consists entirely of kids we never get to really meet. There’s no individual personalities or real characters, and no one for the viewer to really root for or get behind. When they inevitably reach the State Championships it’s with the least suspenseful and exciting sports finale ever. Do we doubt they’ll win? Do we care?

Other highlights from Balls Out include Randy Quaid pretending to face hump a midget, Scott making out with a high school Sophomore, and a foul-mouthed five year-old girl that interrupts one scene to tell her dad she needs an abortion. (Okay, that almost made me laugh.) And speaking of Quaid… not that anyone would see this movie just for him, but when his image and name are featured prominently in ads and on the DVD cover you don’t expect his character to die eleven minutes into the movie.

Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach was the debut screenplay from Andy Stock and Rick Stempson, whose second effort, The Goods: The Don Ready Story, is due out later this year. The duo apparently loves colons almost as much as they love fart and shit jokes. (Take your time…) And they’ve filled Balls Out with all things ass-related. From bowel movements on the courts to anal penetration by way of Mexican donkeys and strap-ons, Stock and Stempson pack it in. Unfortunately they forgot to make any of it funny. And yet they managed to win top prize in a 2005 screenplay competition…

Director Danny Leiner previously helmed the riotous Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, but that may have been a fluke. His other credits include Dude, Where’s My Car? and multiple TV episodes of decidedly unfunny shows like “The Sopranos” and “Kath & Kim.” (Although inexplicably, he also directed an episode of “Arrested Development.” I don’t recall any shitty episodes of that show, so my fluke theory may be in jeopardy.)

Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach hits DVD on January 13th from Sony Pictures. The DVD includes deleted scenes, a making-of, and a few minutes of outtakes that actually brought a smile to my face. Still no laughter though…

The Upside: Nothing

The Downside: Everything

Related Reading:

• Kevin Carr’s Weekly Report Card for 11.20.09
• 31 Days of Horror: Trick ‘r Treat
• 31 Days of Horror: Satan’s Little Helper
• Why Josh Olson is an Asshole
• Kevin Smith Gets A Little Help From Jason Lee For His ‘Dicks’
• Photos of ‘A Couple of Dicks’ Appear Online
• Discuss: Are You Excited About Another Kevin Smith Movie?
• Laid to Rest: Chrome Slasher Coming to DVD

Have you ever gone into a movie expecting the worst and then been pleasantly surprised? Started a movie with the certainty that it was going to suck only to be proved wrong? Feels good doesn’t it?

This is not one of those times.

The opening screen of Pulse 3 tells us it’s “the beginning of the end” and introduces a young couple, Ben (Rider Strong) and Salwa (Noureen DeWulf). And yes, seeing the kid from “Boy Meets World” without his shirt is the scariest thing on display in this movie. The rooms of their respective apartments, his in Houston, hers in India, all contain monitors with live video feeds of the other’s home. Do they have wild, virtual sex? No. They chat until he goes to bed, and while he sleeps, Salwa falls under the influence of the virus introduced in the original film. Which means of course that Ben awakes to find his long-distance lover jumping to her death from a rooftop. And we jump seven years forward to…

Justine, a moody seventeen year-old played by Brittany Finamore (doing her best Kristen Stewart impersonation), is sitting in class learning how technology almost killed all of humanity and the Amish had it right all along. Finamore represents the first step up from Pulse 2, which starred Jamie Bamber from “Battlestar Galactica.” He’s a dude, she’s a relatively cute (and underage) girl. (I never said it was a big step up.) Justine lives in a refugee camp in West Texas, where electronics are outlawed and food is rationed. She comes across a discarded laptop that somehow survived seven years outside in the elements, and precocious teen that she is, she hooks it up to a generator and turns it on… which is exactly how the trouble started in Pulse 2. She immediately starts IM’ing with Ben, who says he’s in Houston, who avoids direct questions with indirect answers, who implores her to come to the city… so Justine sets off for Houston on foot. Luckily, West Texas is apparently littered with Starbucks as the laptop wi-fi signal continues to work all across the wasteland. After a brief foray into Black Snake Moan territory where she’s chained to a radiator by an older black man (the second improvement over Pulse 2), Justine finally makes it to Houston.

And I’m stopping right there. Not because the plot isn’t interesting (it isn’t). Not because it’s worth experiencing for yourself (it’s not). And not because I promised to be kinder during the holidays (I didn’t). I’m stopping because Pulse 3 is painful to watch.

Like it’s predecessor, more than half of Pulse 3 features scenes filmed against green screens. It looks like a goddamn Wing Commander game from the mid-nineties. As annoying as that is, and trust me that it’s incredibly annoying, it’s made that much more frustrating when you see the next scene actually filmed live on location. There are mid-scene edits that alternate between the location and the green screen, and it’s as obvious as having a cell phone shoved up your ass each and every time. When you’re not bleeding out the eyes from the green screen, you’re wondering where the hell all the scary ghosts and ghastly deaths are. Two people get killed. Two. Random apparitions wander the streets in all their black & white glory, but only two attack and kill people. And at the film’s conclusion, absolutely nothing of importance happens that wouldn’t have happened without Justine’s green screen road trip.

Writer/director Joel Soisson has made a career out of DVD sequels to “successful” horror/fantasy films. The list of franchises he’s masturbated into include Hellraiser, Children of the Corn, Dracula, Mimic, The Prophecy, Hollow Man, Maniac Cop, and Highlander. Searching for something positive to say about him I’ve come up with two… he produced the fun and original horror film Feast, and he seems like a really nice guy.

The DVD’s behind the scenes feature includes several interesting (read entertaining) insights into the film’s production… Soisson was inspired by Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” shows, featuring teens enticed by strangers online. Impressively, in the transition from live predators to dead ones he somehow managed to make them less threatening. Production designer Ermanno di Febo Orsini shares how his work is “highly stylized with no style at all.” You won’t find yourself arguing with him. And Soisson also discusses that what holds his post-apocalyptic vision apart from most others is the inclusion of a blues guitarist. Really.

Pulse 3 releases today, December 23rd, on DVD from Dimension Extreme. The DVD Special Features are pretty limited, consisting only of a fully loaded commentary track (although with only four contributors it’s still less busy than the epic commentary on Pulse 2) and the hilarious Making-Of mentioned above.

The Upside: the Pulse movies are supposedly a trilogy, so…

The Downside: Green screens used in over half the movie; the ghosts only kill TWO people; ghosts that look like static-filled TV images aren’t scary; nothing of consequence happens; Rider Strong; the Pulse movies are supposedly a trilogy, but you know these motherfuckers will milk this direct-to-DVD series until the apocalypse

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Part of the Ghost House Underground onslaught of films, Dance of the Dead is a sweet little movie about zombies erupting from their graves in a small town just in time to ruin Prom.  It’s a simple love+zombie tale that manages to hit all the right notes for a fun film that is entertaining and charming, though there isn’t a whole lot of depth to it – that’s not a bad thing though, as simple is good.

On the night of the Prom, zombies blast forth (literally, in some cases) from a cemetery situated near a nuclear power plant.  The undead quickly spread out, following noises which lead them immediately to the High School Prom, where they feast on flesh and transform those inside.  This leaves only our loser heroes, who for the most part weren’t going to prom, to fight off the zombie menace and stop it in it’s tracks.

Kills

There are at least 9 on-screen kills of humans and, as always, a much higher number of zombies are destroyed through various means.

Ills

Dance of the Dead packs in some decent gore, though none of it is disgusting, rather it has a somewhat playful tone most of the time.  A few of the kills are more aggressive than the others, like a hardcore beating with a pipe.  We see severed hands, a face get eaten off, a head ripped, a head cleaved down the center, and a groundskeeper goes all ninja with a shovel.  There is a cool skull zombie I liked, death by frog, gunshots, impalements, backyard wrestling vs zombies, arms ripped off, a heel to the brain, a spine and head ripped out, a tongue ripped out and eaten, axe wounds, a disemboweling, and a head gets smashed to hell and back, among a few others.  Also, there is an explosion!

Lust

There are some cheerleaders flipping around in the beginning and the character of Lindsey (Greyson Chadwick) is an alarmingly cute redhead.    Also, two zombies make out and start ripping each others flesh off with their teeth.  Mmm – Love.

Learning

Hopefully you all know the rules about zombies and nuclear power plant contamination, but we also learn that zombies are pretty big fans of rock and roll.

Review

Like I mentioned above, Dance is a smaller film, that feels somewhat intimate for a zombie flick, if you’ll believe that.  The characters are all pretty believable and, for the most part, well acted.  Sure, there are some flat readings here and there, but nothing that takes you out of the experience.  The runtime is short, clocking in at under ninety minutes, but that keeps the pace quick without getting lost along the way like so many films do.  The title may be somewhat deceptive, as most of the action takes place before they even get to the prom, but the zombies liking rock music was interesting, campy, and worked within the story.

This is not a balls out horror film or a too goofy attempt, rather it finds the right balance between zombie violence and goofy teen humor.  I was immediately drawn into the movie and it kept me entertained from start to finish, satisfying my lust for blood and humor.  The ex-military gym teacher (Mark Oliver) was like Henry Rollins light, but hilarious.  Definitely a good edition to the cast and story line.

The film is being compared to Carrie, based on the tenuous High School connection, and Shaun of the Dead, because it’s funny.  Really, the film is neither of these, rather being its own entity of horror, comedy, and teen romance.  If you’re looking for a good laugh and some decent blood splatter from a fun and sweet flick, this is the one for you.  On the side, I really loved how the zombies exploded from the ground and hit the dirt running, it was fun and new.  So give this film a chance and I think you’ll probably have a good time.

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