Film School Rejects » Cinematic Listology

10 Great Films That Prove Slow Isn’t Always Boring

Rob Hunter — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:00:09 +0000

I’m not a constant reader of Landon Palmer’s Culture Warrior column for various reasons. For one thing, there’s not enough time in the day to parse my way through his weekly post and have it make even the slightest bit of sense. (There’s a whole world outside and I’d rather be out there enjoying the sunshine!) Believe me I try, but I simply can’t stay focused long enough to find his cleverly hidden thesis and watch it play out throughout the seventy-four paragraphs that follow… and I kid obviously, but it’s no joke to say Palmer’s columns are an education unto themselves and have a lot more to say about film than my usual posts about hot Asian chicks taking baths and fighting the Yakuza.

Once in a while though, Palmer chooses a Culture Warrior topic that’s compelling enough for me to force myself to slog through his dense prose from beginning to end, and I’m almost always happy to have done so. Last week’s installment is one such example, and it got me thinking about intentionally ’slow’ films that work exactly as their creators intended. I asked Palmer if he wanted to help put together a quick list of ten perfect examples of effective slow-paced films. We were going to do five each, but then Cole Abaius found out what we were up to and demanded a seat at the table. He played the ‘managing editor’ card so we had to let him join in the fun.

Le Jour se lève (1939)

Alongside Jean Renoir and Jean Vigo, Marcel Carné was part of the pre-WWII French film movement called Poetic Realism. While these filmmakers may not have invented mise en scène, they certainly perfected it, employing a style dominated by a wide frame that, theoretically, allowed audience eyes to explore where they please rather than be dictated by the intent of the filmmaker, resulting in a rare democratic form of classic filmgoing. In a way, this style invented great slow filmmaking. And Carné’s Le Jour se lève (Daybreak) is one of the best of the pack. A (now) familiar and simple story, the film opens with a disgruntled factory worker (Jean Gabin) committing murder then flashes back chronicling his involvement in a toxic love triangle. The width and depth of the Poetic Realism’s iconic long focus shots are complemented here by Carné’s deliberate pacing, and the end result is a film that can’t help but enrapture you in its dense, unforgiving tone. The visual and storytelling style are both interesting from a historical perspective, but at its core Le Jour se lève is just a damn good heartbreak of a movie. It’s shockingly dark and pessimistic, and proof that one hardly needs any fast-paced action to make a trilling and suspenseful mystery pre-noir noir. - Landon Palmer

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)

While fully covered in Old Ass Movies, Treasure is a film that’s more about what’s not being said, what’s not being done, than it is about the actions of the characters. Dobbs (Humphrey Bogart), Howard (Walter Huston), and Curtin (Tim Holt) are three men that all want the same thing, and they’ll spend the entire run time of the movie plotting to get it and keep it for themselves. With the setting in the grizzly, gold-filled dust, there’s already an exotic danger, a death by the elements that looms over them, but the real action is in the struggle to find fortune and smuggle it all out without necessarily having to kill two other men in the process. Through the dialog, the revelation of past lives, and the prize at the end of the tunnel, these three men captivate with a dark intent and a finger that is trembling on the trigger for the entire run time. It might feel like nothing is happening, but the sweat running down your back while watching it should tell you differently. – Cole Abaius

Diary of a Country Priest (1951)

Only Robert Bresson would be able to take the slow exploration of faith and its failures and spin it into something intense. Granted, there’s the harsh treatment of the young Priest, who comes to the village completely unwelcome, that gives a lot of life to the movie, but for the most part it is the epitome of a slow burn. The girls torment him, his lifestyle is mocked openly, and his health worsens. That’s about it for two hours, but what’s fascinating is the study of an outcast, the look into the mind of a man who is not really part of this world. It moves with intensity and was certainly intriguing enough to influence Scorsese in making Taxi Driver. - Cole Abaius

Barry Lyndon (1975)

In another Scorsese connection, the iconic director has called it his favorite of fellow-iconic director Stanley Kubrick’s entire body of work. It’s a period piece recounting the whole life of an Irish adventurer in the 18th century. There’s a few duels, some incestuous seduction, some highway robbery, and some military careering, but make no mistake – this is Kubrick being the methodical director he loved being. Images and scenarios are lingered on to beautiful effect, and the charisma of Ryan O’Neal carries a lot of that attention. The ennui of high society is a major theme, but the film is absolutely never boring – maintaining a quiet, brooding interest that lasts a lifetime. Or almost two and a half hours. - Cole Abaius

Stalker (1979)

I just can’t let a list like this go out there without mentioning at least one film by the late, great Russian time sculptor Andrei Tarkovsky. I’ve discussed his filmmaking in depth in two CW posts so far, and it seems that he more than any other filmmaker has perfected the art of deliberate pacing. In Stalker Tarkovsky revisits science-fiction (after his sci-fi epic Solaris), but here he sticks to Earth as his palette instead of the reaches of space. Stalker portrays an oppressive, antiquated, inferentially fascist dystopian future. But emancipation exists in the mysterious Zone, a cordoned-off strip of land that supposedly defies the laws of physics and grants its visitors their innermost desires. Professional “Stalkers” (the term here meaning something along the lines of “hunting guide”) lead citizens into the Zone for a large sum of money, and this film concerns the journey of one Stalker leading a scientist and a writer into the mysterious Zone. The film’s ambient, experimental score (you can’t tell where the music ends and sound design begins) and astounding long shots make for a totally immersive experience, ratcheting up the mystery of what supernatural force lies in the Zone. Tarkovsky doesn’t just slow time—he temporarily halts the experience of time and space, potentially transcending his audience towards a new, revelatory plane of cinematic perception. - Landon Palmer

Afraid of the Dark (1991)

Creating a “slow” film that doesn’t bore or lose the audience in its deliberate pacing is difficult enough for traditional films, but it’s an incredible feat when it comes to thrillers. Writer/director Mark Peploe’s moody ode to childhood fears accomplishes this through a combination of quality acting, smart writing, and a game-changing event halfway through the film. A psychotic slasher is attacking blind women, and a young boy fears his mother may be next. He wanders his small town collecting clues to the identity of the madman and soon finds himself face to face with what he fears most… and it’s not exactly what you’d expect. The film puts the viewer right in the middle of one boy’s world, one where everyone may be bigger and smarter, but only he knows the truth that can save them all. - Rob Hunter

The Pledge (2001)

Sean Penn gets a lot of flack for a lot of things, but few can find fault with the man’s directorial skills. His third film (and I would argue his best) stars Jack Nicholson as Jerry Black, a newly retired detective with one unsolved case haunting him. A child had disappeared and he promised to never quit searching for the truth. Black enters into retirement but never forgets his promise, and instead turns his investigation into a hobby. But what happens when the hobby becomes obsession? Nicholson is fantastic and surprisingly understated, and he’s joined by an equally compelling cast including Benicio Del Toro as a suspect, Aaron Eckhart as a fellow cop, and Robin Wright Penn as a single mother with her own pains to bear. Black’s daily life begins to include more and more of Penn and her daughter, but are they they family he never had or are they simply part of his hobby? Penn moves his film methodically and purposefully towards a devastating truth, and it is mesmerizing. - Rob Hunter

3-Iron (2004)

Writer/director Kim Ki-duk has built a career on films that move slower than a bowl of kimchi on my dinner table (see, I don’t like kimchi). Films like Samaritan Girl and The Isle are brilliant explorations of lives that linger day in day out until brief bursts of violence reshape them (usually for the worse) into something new. 3-Iron is a different beast all together… it’s instead one of the most beautiful and romantic films I’ve seen. Tae-suk breaks into homes when the owners are away, but it isn’t theft he has on his mind. Instead he cleans up, fixes broken clocks and appliances, and does the laundry. His pattern is interrupted when he finds himself in a house that isn’t as empty as he first presumed. A battered wife named Sun-hwa has gone unnoticed, and as she watches his routine an odd relationship begins to develop. Not only is the film leisurely paced, but it’s also almost dialogue-free. Tae-suk never speaks a word, and Sun-hwa says barely a sentence or two, yet the couple find find themselves falling in love anyway. Their growing bond is evident solely through their expressions, glances, and minute actions, and yet it still manages to be an incredibly believable on-screen romance. The film plays like a dream, and is both beautiful and fascinating to watch. - Rob Hunter

The Clearing (2004)

Like two of my other three picks above, this is a thriller in every way except for traditional pacing. A high-powered executive (Robert Redford) is kidnapped and forced to fight for his life, not through violence but with reasoning and negotiation. His struggle is mirrored by his wife’s as she tries to come to terms with his disappearance and all of the truths that come to light in his absence. Writer/director Pieter Jan Brugge presents a film about a kidnapping that eschews chase scenes and explosive SWAT team rescues in favor of something more introspective. The husband has to revisit the choices in his life while his wife (Helen Mirren) reflects on the marriage she thought she had. Willem Dafoe stars as the kidnapper who may just bring the couple closer together if he doesn’t tear them apart forever first. - Rob Hunter

Caché (2005)

You see what looks like a banal, prolonged, uncut shot of a Parisian house. Suddenly, the images speed up and slow down, jumping forward and backward. You quickly realize this is not the filmmaker’s establishing shot, but a voyeuristic secret video made by a character within the film. Probably Austrian filmmaker Michael Haneke’s strongest work to date (I haven’t yet seen his recent Cannes Palme d’Or winner The White Ribbon), Caché uses Haneke’s typical long shots and slow pacing throughout; but the brilliance of this film lies in its ability to make the audience continuously question whether anything they are seeing is the work of the filmmaker or the mysterious voyeur terrorizing the nuclear family at the film’s center. Coupled with a shocking on-screen moment that changes the name of the game entirely, the viewer becomes entirely on edge, knowing the filmmaker is always one giant step ahead of us. Haneke here turns the banal and the ordinary into something incredibly suspenseful and discomfiting, and the film’s meticulous pacing is central to achieving this effect. Caché is also a thematically heavy film, touching on issues regarding bourgeois cultural consumption, the long-term effects of imperialism, and privacy in the digital era, but the film thankfully provides few answers for the many questions it asks, instead showing how sometimes we often end up knowing a lot less about something the closer we look at it. - Landon Palmer

What are some of your favorite slow, but not boring films?

Celebrate Veteran’s Day with a War Movie Overload

Dr. Cole Abaius — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:33:59 +0000

Instead of doing a cheesy list for Veteran’s Day, we here at FSR decided just to give a run down of all the war-type movies that we’ve covered over the years (the good, the bad, and the boots on the ground). Some of these you’ll be able to pick up at the rental store on your way back home from work, but hopefully your employer was nice enough to give you the day off so you could sit back with a beer, some BBQ and a swelling fervor in remembrance of the monumental jobs done by the bravest members of our society.

And since we’re overloading here, we went ahead and included just about any flicks that involve soldiers and wartime. We even included some featuring those limey Brits! Look how far we’ve come since 1776.

As an added challenge, why not watch all of them?

7 Directors Who Could Handle ‘Dune’

FSR Staff — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:38:45 +0000

With the riveting news that Peter Berg is hopping off Dune and with Paramount’s search for a new director come the names Neill Blomkamp and Neil Marshall being tossed around. Clearly, Paramount is contractually obligated to hire a director named Neil (which explains why Berg probably left).

However, we here at FSR are never content with the obvious. Instead, we’d like to throw out a few directorial talents we think could turn the new adaptation of Dune and make it something special. Hopefully, a few of the names will surprise, and you should be warned that we haven’t consulted the Bene Gesserit with any of these names.

So here they are, in no particular order:

7. Martin Campbell

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, Campbell blew everyone away with Casino Royale. So much so that he nabbed the job directing Green Lantern, and people still don’t realize he directed GoldenEye. He’s got an eye for darkness within humanity and pulling every ounce of that from his characters, and it would be excellent to see him play around with a character who can see past, present, and future at will.

6. Duncan Jones

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, Jones rose to geek prominence with Moon this year, and judging by his ability to create an epic-feeling moonscape with pocket change, it might just be magical to see the universe if he’s given a much larger paycheck. The downside? Jones would have to work with more than one actor. The upside? His entire filmography would rhyme.

5. Ridley Scott

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, Scott was actually originally attached to Dune back in 1979 during the development hell the flick was going through. I full recognize that Scott has a few missteps in his catalog, but the man brought the science fiction masterworks Alien and Blade Runner to the world as well as the politically propelled storyline of betrayal and corruption with Gladiator. If the man’s full talent was on target, it could be the film that finally won him an Oscar for Best Director, and we’d get a damned fine film.

4. Kathryn Bigelow

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, Bigelow has an eye for action and has already been to the desert once this year with The Hurt Locker (which, yes, I will continue to praise to the hilltops). It could be argued that she hasn’t tackled plots as intricately woven in her career yet, but she has an incredible eye for character and doesn’t mind getting a little sand in her boots.

3. Tom McCarthy

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, and despite you tilting your head to the side and asking, “Who’s Tom McCarthy?” this guy has done a ton of work. As an actor. But beyond memorable roles in “The Wire” and Flags of Our Fathers, McCarthy also wrote and directed the beautiful The Visitor. Plus, he’s helming the pilot for “Game of Thrones,” an adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire” epic fantasy series involving kings, queens, knights, and a bunch of battling for a powerful chair. As an actor, turned television/film director, he’s sort of already like Peter Berg, and although he hasn’t been tested with the size budget this flick would require, isn’t that part of the fun?

2. Neill Blomkamp

The Pitch: First of all, his name is Neill. Second of all, yeah, sure, okay, he’s made a phenomenal first film (and theoretically could bring along Peter Jackson as a producer. A Peter Jackson-produced Dune. Geek out on that) and has shown with District 9 he has a keen understanding of sci-fi and interpersonal relations.

1. Steven Soderbergh

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, it is our firm belief that you don’t necessarily need an epic filmmaker to direct Dune. You get a director who has mastered character and story, and then get them a great cinematographer. With Soderbergh, you get both. Plus, being one of the most diverse directors working today, he seems like the type that would be game for diving deep into a world that needs serious commitment. We only hope that he’d write a script and hire professional actors, although a mumblecore-style Dune might be the strangest thing we’ve seen in years.

Bonus: Alan Smithee

The Pitch: Did you know there’s already a version of Dune out there directed by Alan Smithee? Plus, the guy is incredibly prolific. (Just kidding. We know he’s fake).

Editor’s note: This list was lovingly brainstormed by Robert Fure, Paul Sileo and Cole Abaius.

7 Reasons To Go See ‘Where The Wild Things Are’

Dr. Cole Abaius — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 04:10:28 +0000

Where the Wild Things Are is note after note a love song to childhood – and every facet of that world that we live in when we’re not quite a part of this concrete world, where we can see beyond what things really are to what they might be, when we still feel like kings of the universe even when we’re scared and alone. I realize that you’ve probably already figured out whether you want to see it or not, but I loved this film so much that I felt the need to nail down exactly what I loved about it.

For the cynical – my usual disclaimer that this isn’t paid for by the movie or the studio or that trippy girl wearing a wolf costume to the screening I was at. At FSR, we believe in the magic of movies we love and feel comfortable shouting from the rooftops about them.

And I flat out loved this movie.

Here’s why:

1. A Time Machine To Ten Years Old

From the opening scenes, the movie is completely from Max’s young perspective. Spike Jonze has done a great job of making a hole in some snow look like an ice fortress to the audience. The camera angles are low which helps getting back down to that level, but over all the feel of the film is an excuse to remember things how you used to remember them. To see a toy boat as an adventure on the high seas, and to see a pile of clothes and cardboard boxes as the rocketship that it really is.

2. It’s Darker Than You Think

I feel like most of the reasons I give should come with the disclaimer that the film isn’t all that perfect for children, but I don’t pretend to be an expert on that sort of thing. I’d probably be surprised by what most kids can handle, but suffice it to say that this flick isn’t all bluebirds singing songs about how fun working all day in the forest is. Reverting to childhood means reverting to a time where everything is bigger than you, you don’t understand most of what’s going on around you, and things are genuinely scary. The film essentially mirrors the darker tone of the book where the absence of a father looms large over everything, a family doesn’t always act like you want it to, and the seas are choppy. At the heart is an emotional truth that it’s tough being a family, and Where the Wild Things Are doesn’t pull back from how hard that can really be. Even if your family includes a giant goat-monster. Fortunately as a balance, it also populates the world with great bits of humor and life that come from left field or from the strong characters that have been created on screen.

3. The World is Breathtaking

At first, the sweeping landscapes occupied with strange, wonderful beasts will seem ethereal, but I started to realize that everything in the film essentially exists within our world. It’s just the best-looking stuff from it. Wild forests, warm deserts, and crashing sea shores all captured by beautiful cinematography combine to make the film a postcard tour of a place from our imaginations that’s reachable in real life. The look of the Wild Things is perfect, and the giant fort they make is also a sight to see stemming straight from the sketchbook of my childhood.

4. Max

My usual hatred of children in film should make this point even stronger. The actor they got to play Max – Max Records – is perfect. He’s fun to watch and manages to be (for lack of a better word) an every-kid who fills his day and his mother’s ears with stories. His character is stuck at an age where he’s starting to think and ask questions, but he’s not quite old enough to be told or understand the answers. Records is fantastic at characterizing that and pulling every bit of sympathy or joy out of a scene. He’s also joined by good performances from Catherine Keener and great voice performances from James Gandolfini, Paul Dano, Chris Cooper and Lauren Ambrose.

5. The Music

This may be a splitting point for some, but the soundtrack is tailor-made for any indie kid sensibility. Using simple instruments or the convenient sound of a toy xylophone or children’s choir, Karen O and the Kids have created something that balances between film score and playroom symphony. It’s subtle, but it always elevates what’s happening on screen, especially since a lot of the film is a slow-burn with minimal dialog.

6. It’s Challenging But Fair

It would have been all too easy to create another children’s escapism movie where the parents are cruel, the big sisters are cruel, and a fantasy land of no worries awaits us all. Where the Wild Things Are has its fair share, but it’s more rounded than that. Catherine Keener’s character is a mother trying to make life work who clearly loves her son and sweetly dotes on him but doesn’t understand what to do when his built-up frustration is unleashed. What’s created is a realistic-looking family which helps paint a better picture of childhood, family, and gives the flow of the story (and where it ends up) a natural, understated feel. Simply put, there’s not an insincere bone in this movie’s body, but that doesn’t make it easier to swallow. It makes it much harder. Plus, instead of following a standard story arc where things are great, things get tough, and a solution lets everyone sail off into the sunset – it’s a film where a kid gets a chance to solve things his way. And since a child doesn’t always know how to make sense of the world or how to fix things, it takes the story in some very challenging directions.

7. Kid Logic

One of my favorite things in life is the completely accurate, yet completely wrong logic of children. They see the world in a different way, and have a lot to teach those of us who have forgotten how to look at a tree and see the crow’s nest of a pirate ship. It’s a difficult task to capture that point of view, and beyond Records playing his character well, the writing from Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers nails down the world from the view of someone who’s 4-feet, 4-inches tall with incredible accuracy. The way Max sees the world makes logical sense, but is usually wrong, and since we’re already seeing the world his way, we have to go on the journey and learn the lessons along with him. Get ready, for better or for worse, to revert back to your childhood.

10 Great Films You Didn’t Know Were Directed By Women

Dr. Cole Abaius — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 22:17:44 +0000

From decrying a severe lack of female filmmakers to satirically mocking the concept of judging actresses by how much return on investment they offer, it seems like we’ve been balls-deep in feminism lately.

We realize that you, dear reader, believe that only men are allowed to direct movies, but that’s just not true! Women have a long and storied history with the art of filmmaking, and even though it will probably upset your precious little chauvinist default settings, we’re here to tell you that some of your favorite explosions, quotable comedies and fight scenes are directed by the fairer sex. In fact, some of your very favorite films had women at the helm.

Leave your Neanderthal preconceived notions about woman filmmakers at the door, and prepare for your mind to be blown.

**10. Real Genius (1985)**

The Director: Martha Coolidge

The Pitch: In addition to creating Introducing Dorthy Dandridge and Valley Girl, Martha Coolidge is the director who helped introduce Val Kilmer to the world by delivering a highly quotable comedy that doubles as a demonstration of gravity. Plus, Coolidge also acted as the President of the Directors Guild when she wasn’t blowing up houses with popcorn.

**9. Titus (1999)**

The Director: Julie Taymor

The Pitch: Roman orgies and people getting spoons shoved down their throats. It’s always nice to see something brutal, violent and sexual come from the mind of a female director, and working with Sir Anthony Hopkins on your first directing job takes brass buttons.

**8. American Psycho (2000)**

The Director: Mary Harron

The Pitch: For those of you who thought it took a man’s touch to have Christian Bale murder some prostitutes with a chainsaw, it took Mary Harron’s sensibilities to bring the sheer endless joy of a serial killing megalomaniac to life. Harron also wrote the screenplay, keeping the dark tone of Bret Easton Ellis’s novel very much in tact. Sort of makes the arguments that the film is sexist seem silly doesn’t it?

**7. Point Break (1991)**

The Director: Kathryn Bigelow

The Pitch: I realize that everyone knows The Hurt Locker was directed by Kathryn Bigelow because we’ve been shouting its praises from the rooftops, but Bigelow busted out the action early on with what may very well be the greatest movie featuring surfing robbers in presidential masks. For context, Point Break is prominently homaged right next to action auteur Michael “Awesome” Bay’s Bad Boys II in Hot Fuzz.

**6. Billy Madison (1995)**

The Director: Tamra Davis

The Pitch: The concept of showing some boobies for every right answer might have come from Adam Sandler’s mind, but it took a woman to shoot it. Tamra Davis delivered what might have been the most random comedy of the decade alongside her other flicks – CB4 and Half Baked. It’s clear that she was plugged into the SNL mentality of the time, and has created more than enough good movies for us to forgive Crossroads. Almost.

**5. Hideout in the Sun (1960)**

The Director: Doris Wishman

The Pitch: Oh, exploitation. Has a better plot ever existed than two robbers taking a girl hostage and heading back to her nudist camp to hide out? No. That’s the short answer. This film should be championed for the sheer amount of casual nudity involved no matter who was at the wheel. Doris Wishman wrote and co-directed this camp masterpiece and would go on to gain a cult following as a sexploitation filmmaker gaining notoriety as a female Ed Wood (while Ed Wood would gain appropriate notoriety as a male Doris Wishman).

**4. Wayne’s World (1992)**

The Director: Penelope Spheeris

The Pitch: Party time. Excellent. Coming off of the fantastic musical documentary The Decline of Western Civilization, Spheeris was tapped to direct the Mike Myers/Dana Carvey jump from sketch comedy to feature length stardom and would go on to direct Black Sheep for two other SNL alums. As such, she’s also directly responsible for us banging our heads like idiots every time Bohemian Rhapsody comes on in the car.

**3. Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)**

The Director: Amy Heckerling

The Pitch: Widely regarded as one of the best high school movies of all time, and one of the funniest coming-of-age comedies, Fast Times was the starting point for more than a handful of famous actors, actresses and a few Academy Award winners. Cameron Crowe gets due credit for writing the script, but you should also be thanking Amy Heckerling when you order a pizza in class.

**2. Big (1988)**

The Director: Penny Marshall

The Pitch: Leave it to a woman to create one of the movies that resonates the most with men of every age. And a movie that technically includes some hot statutory rape. He was only 13, Elizabeth Perkins! Marshall is also the mind who brought us Tom Hanks Peeing For a Really Long Time aka A League of Their Own.

**1. Pet Sematary (1989)**

The Director: Mary Lambert

The Pitch: For some reason, with a shortage of female directors in the movie business, there’s a downright drought of them in the horror world. Angela Bettis is a notable example, but Mary Lambert shines through for delivering the fantastically creepy Pet Sematary which also stands as one of the rare examples where a child is made terrifying.

10 Actresses Worth Their Weight In Cash

Bethany Perryman — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 12:23:34 +0000

This week, Forbes released a rather bitch-ily worded article naming the top ten actresses that provided the best return on investment (ROI) for studios. With studios (like the rest of us) stretched so thin for cash, it’s interesting that these actresses aren’t calculated at all by their quote (the amount they demand per movie) this year. Forbes’s formula differs this time around, and seemed pretty math-y. Also pretty fair. Put on your thinking caps or skip the next paragraph, ’cause here we go:

Forbes calculated 100 top actresses’ estimated earnings per film, including both upfront and back-end (heh.) pay. They matched that with each film’s budget (estimated budget, that is — interestingly enough, minus marketing costs), plus box-office-DVD-TV earnings to calculate an operating income. Then, they did this:

(Each actress’s income in last three films + Operating income of those three films) / actress’s total compensation = ROI

Interestingly enough, Forbes reports (and here’s where the bitchy part comes in): “One thing most of the actresses on this list have in common is that they did not carry the films on their own. In Hollywood, it’s still rare for a woman to be the main star. For the most part, women are co-stars or they appear in ensemble films like He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Nevertheless, the results are in:

1. Naomi Watts: For every $1 she is paid, her movie earns $44

2. Jennifer Connelly: $41

3. Rachel McAdams: $30

4. Natalie Portman: $28

5. Meryl Streep: $27

6. Jennifer Aniston: $26

7. Halle Berry: $23

8. Cate Blanchett: $23

9. Anne Hathaway: $23

10. Hilary Swank: $23

Editor’s Note: We realize that you might have noticed that our cropping of the pictures above is a little, er, off. This is intentional — it is also a work of satire, not meant to offend. If you need any further explanation of the concept of satire, please consult Google. If we’ve offended you, we’re sorry that you didn’t get the joke.

5 Movies That Make Us Hungry

Josh Radde — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 16:02:07 +0000

With the release of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs this weekend, I caught a commercial on Adult Swim the other night that said this film was either the cause of or solution to “a serious case of the munchies.” It made me hungry. What’s this? A man and woman frollicking inside jello? Oh, sooo much spaghetti! Those gummi bears look f*cking scrumptious!

I immediately got up from my couch and made a bowl of ice cream. With Heath bar crumbs. And caramel topping. Mmmm. Then I sat down and wondered, “wait, what just happened?”

It got me thinking — some action movies make you drive a little faster once you leave the theater; some dramas make you re-think your life and donate money to the Red Cross. Which movies make you hungry? I thought long and hard (on an empty stomach) and came up with five films that make me salivate.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

When those kids were jumping around and getting covered in Oatmeal Cream Pie, did that not look fantastic? Didn’t it change the way you looked at your Cheerios for awhile? Seeing our day-to-day foods giant-sized should’ve turned us off to them…but no, it made me ask my Mom for those little cream-filled bastards every time we went to the store.

However, that film also made me frightened by the very presence of insects. Even the nice ones.

Super Size Me

This is, I suppose, an ironic choice, because all this movie makes me want to do is choke down a Big Mac like a dude finding a piece of bread whilst stranded in the middle of the desert. In fact, I had never eaten a Big Mac or a McGriddles sandwich until after I saw Morgan Spurlock’s documentary. That’s probably why he didn’t win an Oscar — his movie did more harm than good. Even when his internal organs were failing all I could think about was french fries. Hot, crispy, amazing french fries. It also made me see the flaw in his logic. Of course your body’s going to go apeshit if you only eat McDonald’s for a month, but if I have a 10-piece nugget meal with a large fry and a Shamrock Shake every now and then it’s not going to kill me. In fact, making late-night McD’s runs with my roommate was an honest-to-God bonding experience.

Hook

This is three-fold:

1. During the scene in which the kids sit Peter down for dinner, except he can’t see the food because he isn’t using his imagination, I get hungry. The kids reactions to eating air food is so realistic that I see them ingesting it. Especially when that fat kid looks right at Robin Williams and then takes a massive bite of an invisible burger. Oh man. I just drooled on my keyboard…hope it still works. :adjtghvnl; /

2. When Peter finally does see the food, Spielberg pulls the camera back to reveal this feast upon which they are gorging, and it’s just splendid. It’s mainly just marshmallow with food coloring, but f*ck does it look great.

3. Then the food fight ensues. And food fights in any movie (like in Animal House) are always delicious. Bang-a-rang!

Willy Wonka / Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

This should’ve been a pantheon choice, because it’s probably the movie you thought of when you started reading this article. The movie is essentially about candy and how it transforms us (adults become children, children become devious pricks). So we’ll put movies about food into this one as well, like Ratatouille and Chocolat. The goals of these films is essentially to make you hungry and it usually eclipses the storyline itself. For example, the “Golden Ticket” portion of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is great, but more than likely you’ll pop in the DVD and go to the chapter where Gene Wilder limps out of the chocolate factory and does a falling somersault.

Who else feels like a snozzberry right now?

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle

This could’ve been in the previous one because essentially the movie is a long commercial for White Castle. Except, this movie is for weed what Willy Wonka is for candy. Only when you’re drunk or high (not that I’m promoting either, mind you…) is when you can scarf down those putrid, gross burgers. It’s also what makes the first Harold and Kumar film better than the second (aside from the fact that the jokes are funnier): the stakes are small, yet the characters perception of them is what makes the film work.

Quick story: I lived in a neighborhood of Chicago called Roscoe Village for a couple years. Within a half-mile radius were two burrito places worth visiting. When I was inebriated it became my search for the Holy Grail. I would endure Chicago winters to trek the streets for a shitty steak burrito. One time I got to a place called Tony’s (which is an weird name for a burrito place, right?) and it was 5 minutes after they had closed. My friends and I, drunk and belligerent, decided we would not go quietly into the night without a steak burrito, so we heroically stumbled to Burrito House II which was not an easy 3/4 mile voyage (and also involved cutting through numerous alleyways and backyards covertly). When we got there, the line was 10-deep and loaded with a level of douchery you only get when you go to $20-cover nightclubs. One of my buddies picked a fight, another nearly vomited on a Puerto-Rican gal, and the service was atrocious. But let me tell you one thing: That was the best goddamn burrito I have ever had.

Huffington Post put out a list similar to this one when Julie and Julia came out, which they refer to as “Food Porn Movies.” I don’t know if like that term, “Food Porn.” Those are definitely two things I like to keep separate from each other. But then again, Marlon Brando could easily give you a butter fetish if you watch Last Tango in Paris.

Actually, that’s gross.

I’m gonna go deep-fry my hand and eat it, but in the meantime tell me “What movies make you hungry?”

Patrick Swayze: 5 Roles That We Will Never Forget

Robin Ruinsky — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:25:03 +0000

Patrick Swayze died yesterday after a battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of fifty seven. But we all know that actors live on in their work, frozen forever at different stages of their lives and their careers. Some of them, like Swayze, are imprinted on our minds in roles that make them larger than life. That said, we’ve selected a few of Swayze’s most memorable roles… roles that will live on forever.

Dirty Dancing

First and foremost is Swayze as Johnny Castle in 1987’s Dirty Dancing. The role of the guy from the wrong side of the tracks who finds respect and love as a Catskill resort dance instructor and part time lothario put Swayze on the map. The bad boy with the heart of gold who wins the heart of the doctor’s daughter, Baby, made many people sit up and take notice of an actor who’d been working since 1979. Swayze showed off his dance moves and wrote and performed a song for the film’s soundtrack. And it spawned the line that probably will be mentioned in every article about Swayze: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

Ghost

Just say Ghost and you might very well elicit nods and sighs from women all overt the world. As the murdered Sam Wheat struggling to find a way to communicate with his lover, Demi Moore, Swayze showed the vulnerable side that audiences embraced in Dirty Dancing. The bad boy side was nowhere to be seen. This was Swayze as sensitive romantic leading man. The film became a hit and won Oscars for its screenplay and Whoopi Goldberg for best supporting actress. It’s likely the sale of pottery wheels went up after people saw the scene of Swayze and Moore using the wheel for a bit of foreplay set to the background music of the Righteous Brothers Unchained Melody.And of course the word Ditto, took on a new romantic meaning.

To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar

Not many actors can don a dress, wig and makeup and somehow manage not to elicit guffaws. But Swayze did just that in To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar in 1995. Swayze seized upon the unique opportunity to go where few actors have successfully gone before. As drag Queen Vida Boheme he didn’t play the role with a wink. He committed himself to it and pulled it off with style. Not a small feat for an actor who was seen as about as thoroughly masculine as one can get. The story is he had to fight for the role and that Spielberg who produced the film didn’t recognize him when he saw Swayze’s screen test.

North and South

Sandwiched between his roles in 1983’s The Outsiders and 1984’s Red Dawn, there was a miniseries called “North and South” and “North and South Book 2”. Broadcast in 1985 and 1986, audiences met Patrick Swayze in the role of Confederate soldier Orry Main. The miniseries, adapted from the John Jakes novel followed Orry Main through the events leading up and through the Civil War.

Point Break

Swayze as Bodhi, surfer/bank robber. A member of the Ex-Presidents gang in the 1991 film Point Break. The film directed by Kathryn Bigalow follows FBI agent Johnny Utah, Keanu Reeves efforts to infiltrate the surfer gang. An action film follow up to the ultra romantic chick flick Ghost. Reeves sense of duty starts to falter the stronger his friendship with Bodhi becomes. A film that lets Swayze as Bodhi go out on that once in a lifetime monster wave. Seeing Bodhi riding out on the wave, the authorities in Australia are livid that Utah has let their man slip away. They tell Utah they’ll get Bodhi on his way back.

“He’s not coming back” is the simple reply.

Neither is Patrick Swayze, but that’s because in the movies, he will never really leave. Patrick Swayze had a remarkable eclectic career, often playing the tough guy with the soft heart. This is a guy who could be appealing as characters as diverse as dance instructor Johnny Castle, bouncer Dalton in Road House, surfer/bank robber Bohdi in Point Break to the sensitive Dr. Max Lowe in City of Joy.

Swayze worked up until the end of his life in the television series “The Beast”. His last film Powder Blue is scheduled for release this month. From his debut in 1979 in Skatetown USA to his last work and his fight against a terminal disease, I think we can all agree that nobody ever put Patrick Swayze in a corner.

10 Stephen King Short Stories That Should Be Films

Dr. Cole Abaius — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:44:12 +0000

Two days ago, I posted up a story about how Children of the Corn is going to be remade because the original just plain wasn’t religious enough for the Weinsteins. They demand more creepy children. In corn! And while this prospect doesn’t make me all that sad – either because I’m a robot with no feelings or because I’ve grown desensitized to remake news – it does make me wish that filmmakers would dip a bit further into Stephen King’s giant corpus of short stories.

Instead of another Children of the Corn, let’s see a few of these gems fleshed out into full feature length horror trips.

All That You Love Will Be Carried Away

The Pitch: Alfie is a traveling salesman who is fascinated by graffiti, seeing it as small messages people can leave behind on walls and bathroom stalls that broadcast out into the rest of the world. He’s also fascinated by the idea of killing himself and frequently thinks on suicide but stops short realizing that leaving behind a notebook of all the graffiti he’s copied down over his journeys would seem insane. Stuck between ending it all or sharing that insanity in book form, Alfie makes a decision: if the lights of a nearby farmhouse turn on before he counts to 60, he’ll write the book. If they don’t, he’ll throw his notebook away and pull the trigger.

There’s a lot of emotional nooks and crannies to explore even if the story takes place in a short amount of time. It could easily be expanded, and the weight of the outcome of his decision is perfect for film.

The Ballad of the Flexible Bullet

The Pitch: An alcoholic editor who receives a manuscript that he believes is a work of genius starts to believe that the writer’s delusions are real. Henry, the editor, delves into madness (the flexible bullet) while struggling to get the story published.

There’s a ton of story here, specifically because it deals with a descent into madness and a subplot of investing in an artist. Plus, it’s always fun to watch someone go crazy.

The Cat From Hell

The Pitch: A hitman is paid $12,000 to kill a cat. This goes horribly, horribly wrong.

I have to admit that I’m not sure whether there’s enough meat here to make it all the way as a feature, but that title is awesome, and watching a professional deal with an unkillable monster cat sounds rad.

Everything’s Eventual

The Pitch: A high school drop out with a crappy job history is hired by a special company when they realize he has the unique ability to psychically coerce people into doing what he wants through his drawings. He gets a name and email address, he draws something that will make them commit suicide. It’s as simple as that, and he lives on easy street. Until he starts getting a conscience about who he’s killing.

The Gingerbread Girl

The Pitch: After her daughter dies from crib death, Emily becomes obsessed with running and loses an immense amount of weight. She moves in with her father during a trial separation from her husband, and is introduced to a man in the neighborhood who turns out to be an insane killer who takes her prisoner.

I love this idea as a film because it flows easily between two very different plots in the way The Descent does. The first is an emotional tale of a woman losing herself and her family, the second, a slasher chase scene where her obsession happens to come in handy.

Home Delivery

The Pitch: In what is the easiest story to adapt, “Home Delivery” tells the story of a small island community that fights off a zombie attack after the dead have been brought back to life by an alien spaceship hovering over the hole in the ozone layer.

Sounds a lot like Plan 9 From Outer Space but is far more intimate. Plus the remote location offers a lot in the way of tension and scares.

In the Deathroom

The Pitch: A former reporter is arrested in South America and taken into a Deathroom as he’s interrogated. It becomes increasingly more and more obvious that he won’t leave the room alive no matter what he tells them, so he devises a plan to escape.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a solid political thriller, and it’s been a really long time since one dealt with South America. A lot would need to be added, but considering the dramatic nature of the character and his situation, he’s got a lot of room for a cool back story.

The Last Rung on the Ladder

The Pitch: After the suicide of his sister, Larry recounts a story where she was stuck on the last wrung of the ladder in the barn house so he piled hay beneath her and told her to let go. After landing, he realizes that she never looked down, she simply trusted him that she’d be safe. The true story focuses on how her life deteriorates, how he becomes too wrapped up in his own life to intervene and how he missed the opportunity he had to save her.

Subtle and personal, this would make a killer drama.

The Man Who Loved Flowers

The Pitch: A serial killer continually searches for his love Norma despite her dying years ago. He buys flowers, presents them to a girl, and when she isn’t Norma, he kills her.

Yet again, this would have to be fleshed out a ton, but I think it could work. It has a great feel of nostalgia and irony to it since everyone the man meets on the street as he ambles along lovesick and flower-laden notes how wonderful the beauty of love is. One elderly woman actually scolds her husband for not being as passionate anymore right after the man has viciously murdered a young woman. In the right hands, it would be smart, funny, a little campy, and brutal.

Strawberry Spring

The Pitch: After the name “Springheel Jack” appears in the newspapers again, a young man recounts the spring that the killer first appeared at his college campus and ponders on the killer’s return.

The only story here with a true twist ending, it has the potential to surprise audiences. Plus, it’s a great story overall that takes a fresh look at the paranoia and fear of a campus killer.

Editor’s Note: Some of these stories have already been sold as Dollar Babies, the program King has set up for student filmmakers to buy the rights to make a film based on his work for only a dollar.

10 Movie Bosses Who Are Complete Assholes

Dr. Cole Abaius — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 19:46:40 +0000

It’s no wonder what the inspiration for this list is. Mike Judge’s Extract hits theaters today, giving people another dose of the workplace humor that’s become almost all too common over the past few years. Odd how record numbers of people losing their jobs continually demand the hilarious office antics on television and in movies. Oh, sweet unemployed irony.

So instead of waxing on about the reason for the list, I figured I’d simply point out two interesting things I found while making it. One, bad bosses know no gender lines. Two, despite having to clean out the rat traps every morning here at FSR HQ and despite him making me “practice carrying his luggage for him” since he travels once a year, I don’t actually have it all that bad working for Publisher-in-chief Neil Miller. Who knew.

A quick note just to cover my ass – I didn’t include Darth Vader or Hitler because their main presence in film isn’t really bossing people around, and I didn’t put Michael Corleone or Tony Montana because, well, I actually think it would have been pretty cool working for them. Still, I expect you, dear reader, will be sure to point out the entries that I left out. Ever so kindly.

And here we…..go:

**10. Franklin Hart, Jr from Nine to Five (1980)**

The Crime: Arrogant Pigism

The Pitch: Hart may be your typical sleaze bag boss who promotes lesser-qualified men over women because he’s still living in the past (which makes it even funnier to watch in the present), but he does enough damage to make the three women who work closest to him daydream about murdering him in vivid, gleeful detail. What eventually happens to him is enough to make him wish he’d paid more attention at the sexual harassment seminar.

**9. Katharine Parker from Working Girl (1988)**

The Crime: Idea Theft-style Backstabbing

The Pitch: Perhaps on the lower end of evil with a bad case of general meanness, Parker commits the ultimate workplace sin of stealing ideas from underlings and passing them off as her own. She perfects a sweet personality to hide her conniving plans which makes her a massive bitch in sheep’s clothing.

**8. Buddy Ackerman from Swimming With Sharks (1994)**

The Crime: Publicly Humiliating Dickheadery

The Pitch: Ackerman goes from mildly disdainful, to condescending, to haranguing his assistant Guy on the fact that he is of zero consequence as a human being within the span of one monologue. And that’s on Guy’s first day of work. The man is serious about the difference between Equal and Sweet N Low. It’s an important distinction, people. Does that mean he deserves to be kidnapped and beaten severely? Don’t most movie executives?

**7. Ebenezer Scrooge from A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)**

The Crime: Miserly Wankerism

The Pitch: Not only is Scrooge is near-universal symbol of snide cruelty with a dash of complete disregard for his workforce. The guy won’t even heat the freezing room his employees are in, makes them work on the most important holiday of the year, and cares more about money than he does his own happiness. And doesn’t he punch that Tiny Tim character at some point? No?

Scrooge has been in a ton of films, but I chose the Muppet version because 1) It’s awesome and 2) there’s something about Michael Caine being an asshole to Kermit the Frog that makes Scrooge look even more dastardly.

**6. Mr. Sheldrake from The Apartment (1960)**

The Crime: Smarmy Prickness

The Pitch: Aside from using the promise of promotion and the threat of firing on Baxter so that he can use his apartment for his extra-marital fuckery, Sheldrake drives the young girl (who works in his company) that he’s cheating with to suicide. After her suicide attempt, he has Christmas with his family and demands that Baxter deal with it. What a swell guy.

**5. Bill Lumbergh from Office Space (1999)**

The Crime: Passive Aggressiveness

The Pitch: With a special flair (get it??) for getting employees to agree to work on the weekend and moving downstairs, Lumbergh may actually be the worst boss of all time because of how annoyingly passive he is. He has no backbone, which makes one wonder how he ascended to the throne in the first place. You can just tell that his wife beats him. Working for him will not only make you want to burn down a building, you’ll actually go buy the gasoline and matches.

**4. Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada (2006)**

The Crime: Unearthly Bitchiness

The Pitch: The cold, distant perfectionism of Priestly is enough to drive anyone insane. Who the hell needs two assistants anyway? She has to have everything done to excruciating detail, but her praise comes in the form of not yelling at you quite so loudly. However, she should be applauded for how quickly she can cut someone to the core by pinpointing their greatest fears and weaknesses. That takes true skill.

**3. Gordon Gekko from Wall Street (1987)**

The Crime: Greedy Douchbaggery

The Pitch: This guy loves money. He does not love you, he does not love his family, he does not love himself. He loves money. And he will do anything to get more of it – including a convoluted scheme to trick a man into creating a corporate takeover that will leave his own father and thousands of others out of a job. Plus, that slick-backed hair has got to be unethical somehow.

**2. John Milton from The Devil’s Advocate (1997)**

The Crime: Is Satan

The Pitch: Strangely enough, Milton isn’t a terrible boss. He pays well, there are tons of perks, and he’s generally sweet to his workers while destroying their lives and demanding their ever-lasting souls until he feels the need to have demons bludgeon them to death. He also has a hot redhead that he’d like you to impregnate, which is fine, but he totally wants to watch, and that’s just creepy.

**1. The Sweatshop Foreman from Dirty Pretty Things (2002)**

The Crime: Rape

The Pitch: Yeah, yeah. Some of the bosses on film and in real life roll their eyes at you, treat you like human waste because you didn’t file something correctly, or make you work overtime. But very few of them force the girl from Amelie to choose between placing a penis into her mouth until it ejaculates or starving from job loss. Next time your boss asks you to stay an hour late on a Friday, remember you could be giving a fat, sweaty guy a Blow J instead and count your damned blessings.

Honorable Mention: Mr. Potter from It’s A Wonderful Life

9 Ways To Survive a Michael Myers Attack

FSR Staff — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 01:58:34 +0000

If there is one roving menace that still haunts the world in which we live, it is the threat of possible attack from Michael Myers. There came a time when we at least knew what and when to expect such an event, bracing ourselves each All Hallow’s Eve for what seemed like an indestructible killing machine. Oftentimes we’d watch helpless as our babysitter, our teenaged sons, our fornicating friends were all shuffled off this mortal coil by the Shatner-faced villain and yet sometimes we felt the bravery to fight back.

Now, we can’t even be sure when he’ll attack since he’s sneaking up on us at the end of August instead of waiting until the end of October. He’s getting sneakier, and that means we have to become even smarter.

So, if you want to avoid being stabbed to death, electrocuted violently or thrown out of a window, take heed and follow these 9 Ways to Survive a Michael Myers Attack and get ready to keep your eyes open for educational opportunities after Halloween 2: The Second 2 sees Myers attacking us all over again (this time teaming up with Rob Zombie to make sure absolutely no one is alive or awake by the end of the massacre).

9. Keep a Fire Extinguisher and a Mine Shaft Handy

As we learned in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, a fire extinguisher is not just for putting out fires. It can also be used to blind giant serial killers until the police can show up with their many and varied firearms. The harsh chemical/mine shaft combination has not been proven to be a long term solution, but it will definitely give you enough time to escape to safety. The technique may be hazardous for hermits living near the mineshaft, but in a time of crisis, you cannot be concerned about the lives of anti-social drifters. Focus on saving yourself.

8. Avoid the Thrill of Fame

I realize that the call of micro-celebrity has us all gripped tight like that seven months we were hooked on meth. But do not give in! Sure, you are (like most people) probably incredibly good looking, young, and willing to massage someone’s genitals with your mouth on camera, but don’t do it. If a reality show comes knocking at your door offering you cash and scholarships to stay in Michael Myers’s childhood home (as featured in Halloween: Resurrection), just politely decline and direct them to that bitch Donna’s house. She probably deserves it. Also, you’ll probably be fine if you’re Busta Rhymes, but do you really wanna risk it?

7. Appeal to His Sense of Family

After a massive wave of murdering, it’s hard to remember that Michael Myers is, after all, a family man. Whether he’s under a curse or the embodiment of evil, he really cares about his family even as he hunts them down to kill them. Judging by the way he stops killing everything in sight when Jamie Lloyd calls him ‘Uncle’ in Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, we can safely assume that it’s a great diversion. Just don’t stop to wipe the single tear that will fall from his big sad eyes. This will only serve to enrage him and send him right back on his killing spree. Yell out ‘Son!’ or, if you really want him confused, ‘Aunt Michael!’ and then tell him you’ve had a lovely time, but you really, really have to get going or you’re going to miss a dentist’s appointment, then sneak out before he tries to serve you desert. You know, like you do with the rest of your annoying family.

6. Appeal to His Hatred of Being Hit With a Lead Pipe

I realize that so far a lot of the techniques have been to simply avoid the killer or to distract him, but if you’re feeling ballsy, one of the best maneuvers is to take the killer head-on at his own game. Toss some corrosive chemicals into his veins and then smash his brain in with a lead pipe as the smart teens of Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers did. Fair warning: this too is a temporary solution. Also, getting too close to Myers may mean you become the target of the curse he’s under or something stupid like that.

**5. Shoot Him Seven Times**

Don’t bring that weak ass revolver to this fight! If we’ve learned anything from using bullets on Michael Myers in Halloween, it’s that six shots just doesn’t cut it. He can even fall off a damned roof after having a full round emptied into him and still disappear mysteriously to haunt another sequel. For safety’s sake, unload every bullet you have in the clip and in any and all subsequently clips you have on your person. Even if it doesn’t kill Myers, it’s about your only chance to shoot a gun 337 times in a residential neighborhood like you’ve always wanted.

4. Don’t Hang Out with Laurie Strode

Look, I don’t care how popular or attractive you think Laurie Strode is. She’s not worth it. Don’t be her friend. In fact, don’t be friends with anyone named Laurie just in case. Don’t even talk to her. If you see her in the cafetorium between classes, throw tater tots at her and kick her in the shin. While you’re at it, go ahead and transfer out of that doomed school and tell your parents to move to a different town. If we’re all playing our part, Laurie Strode will be a friendless loser with nowhere to turn when Michael comes for her. But you can rest easy knowing she’s being brutally murdered and not you.

3. Enlist in the KISS Army

In what can only be considered an experimental option, being a huge KISS fan just might do the trick. In Rob Zombie’s version of Halloween, young Michael Myers is donning a KISS fan t-shirt which means he’ll either spare you as a fellow fan or that he was forced to get that shirt at the thrift store and has no idea what it says. However, it’s more likely than not that he likes to rock ‘n’ roll all night and part of every day. Get him into a debate of who’s more awesome, Paul or Ace, and he’ll be way too distracted to think about knifing your face. That was an unfortunate rhyme, but you see where I’m going.

2. Chop His Goddamned Head Off

It took eight educational films on the subject, but finally someone just does the obvious in Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later and removes Michael’s brain from his brain stem. One of the best ways to avoid being killed by Myers is to kill him first by severing completely his spinal column. Unfortunately, you may very well have to watch out for pesky, unimaginative writers who try to claim you accidentally killed an innocent man instead of Michael just so they can cash in on the franchise some more.

1. Leave Him Out of Your Movie

You really want to avoid being killed by Michael Myers? Just don’t invite him to the party. It may mean you have to deal with enchanted masks, but who the hell hasn’t laughed their way through that non-nightmare before? Take a cue from Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. You should be fine as long as Myers is nowhere near the credits.

Editor’s Note: This list was loving compiled by survival experts Cole Abaius and Robert Fure with advice from Rob Hunter (mostly he just sat in the corner picking at his fingernails with a huge hunting knife and mumbling about getting revenge).

7 Reasons Why You Should See ‘District 9′

Dr. Cole Abaius — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 17:01:48 +0000

Hey, sports fans. I can’t exactly publish an earnest review of the film until later tonight (and even that is pushing the embargo a bit), but I can’t wait to gush all over this fantastic, brilliant, beautiful film. Seemingly out of nowhere with its strange trailers and odd viral campaign, District 9 has quickly become one of the must-see movies of the year. Part of that is due to the push the film got over the cliff’s edge by screening at Comic-Con. Now, I have no idea whether or not that will get more butts in seats, especially for those wary of science fiction, which is why I felt it incumbent upon me to help out in my own little way.

And, I hate that this seems necessary now in our world (absolutely find it deplorable), but FSR isn’t being paid to write this. I’m not being paid to write this. I love this film, and I think a ton of you, dear readers, will have your minds blown by it. I believe in this film, and here at Reject HQ, when we believe in a film, we celebrate it, get up on the rooftops and scream about it until our lungs are enflamed or until it’s time back to the theater to see it again.

Speaking of, I’m seeing District 9 again tonight and plan on seeing it again over the weekend. I flat out love this movie.

Here’s 7 Reasons Why You Should:

7. Intelligent Science Fiction Disguised as an Action Film …

From the trailers and promotional materials, there’s a lot of fighting. Lasers and whatnot seem to be going off all the time, and it looks like the insectoid-style aliens can also deliver a beating. But beneath all of that is a phenomenally written story about a group of individuals treated as lesser-than in society, walled off from any semblance of normal life, and light years away from their homes. If you’re turned off by heavy-handed morality tales (and who isn’t), you’ll be happy with a definite lack of preachy bullshit found in the movie. It lets the characters and the situations create sympathy or ire all on their own – whether it’s finding common ground with someone who seems different or the underlying pangs of corporate greed that flow throughout. It’s well-written, brilliantly acted, and it’s one of the smartest films of the year.

6. … That Delivers on the Action

And there’s still a ton of shit blowing up. And some gore if you’re nasty. There have been so many trailers baiting and switching audiences lately that it’s really incredible to see a film that delivers above and beyond what it’s promising in the advertising. The beginning of the film has a bit more set up than some like, but even with the first half hour there is a rising tension that builds into physical conflict. Bloody, awesome physical conflict. We’re talking about a world where two groups are in a silent war with each other – one a group of prisoners, the other a struggling warden simply trying to keep the peace. The action elements are as good if not better than most action films – and they are even more effective because you care about the characters and the general feeling of unease that comes with the concept.

5. The Visuals

Holy hell, the look of this film is impeccable. It’s gritty, visceral, a blend of on-the-ground documentary camera work and stylized sweeping shots. What’s more, director Neill Blomkamp and cinematographer Trent Opaloch have done a great deal to restrain themselves by building elaborate alien elements into frames but not always making them the focal point. The world is real, and they don’t need to show off to prove it. Sometimes the alien space craft is large and looming over the landscape and other times it is barely noticeable, just hanging in the background. Aliens roam around free, and by not constantly highlighting them, the world they’ve created is incredibly real. One more element that helped me suspend disbelief. However, some may have a problem there – specifically with the CGI work. It’s done expertly, but there is an inherent challenge in creating CGI characters that don’t exist in real life. You, the audience, knows they are fake and that hinders the believability even if the CGI was done picture perfect. I actually really loved the look of the aliens, though, and I have a feeling that a huge majority of viewers won’t care all that much about slight flaws in CGI work.

4. The Weaponry

I don’t want to say too much about the weapons used in the film because I don’t want to spoil the freshness and surprise of their capabilities. Suffice it to say, they are awe-inspiring, and you definitely do not want to be on the business end of any of them. I’m talking pants-shittingly good.

3. Sympathetic Aliens

Like the CGI challenge I mentioned earlier, it seemed like a huge hurdle to make a group of aliens seem ultimately sympathetic. This achievement was a triumph. By focusing on several of them as characters, the film does something brilliant that not only creates an enduring connection but also drives home an underlying theme of humane kindness without shouting it from the soap box.

2. The Accessibility and Universality

Not into science fiction? It’s a satirical drama. Don’t like thoughtful dramas? It’s a science fiction, action flick. Don’t like amazing movies? I can’t help you there. District 9 is so well put together that even people who hate science fiction will most likely walk out of the theater reveling in the overall story while science fiction fans will walk out reveling in the overall story and how awesome the fucking aliens are. And probably arguing about the physics of proton thrusters or something else nerdy like that. (Which, as a nerdy sidenote: my biggest problem with science fiction is when it doesn’t play physically by its own rules. Amazingly, District 9 adheres stringently to the technology its invented, and I love it for that). There are themes and ideas that almost anyone can relate to, and they all play out against the backdrop of an engaging, epic-feeling alternate world where a world government has to deal with an alien race.

1. The Birth of a Major Talent

Outside of the film itself, audiences and film fans have a unique opportunity to see a first-time director blow the ladies’ underwear off of most other directors in Hollywood. I wouldn’t want to name names, but this newcomer has done something on his first time out that most directors dream of doing their whole careers. And some never pull off. Neill Blomkamp has a long, successful future ahead of him – and, in a way, that excites me even more than District 9, because I can see what lays beyond its borders. The future looks bright and full of incredible films from this talented director. You’d be wise to be there at the beginning.

Click Below to Watch the Trailer:

10 Blogs That Could Be Movies

Dr. Cole Abaius — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:51:01 +0000

This weekend’s opening of Julie & Julia came and went without a ton of fanfare – at least not the kind of fanfare that came with G.I. Joe. But Julie & Julia represents a watershed moment in cinematic history. It’s the first blog to be adapted into a feature film.

Since FSR actually started as a blog (and evolved into what is clearly an online equestrian health magazine), we have a soft spot in our hearts for them right next to the soft spot we have for movie theater butter and the actual, physical soft spot that was created by eating too much movie theater butter.

The future of filmmaking is bound to include more than a few blogs as subject material (since studios love playing follow the leader), so we figured we’d get a head start and present 10 of the Blogs we think would do well on the big screen.

10. Andrew Sullivan – The Daily Dish

The Blog: The Daily Dish

Genre: Political Thriller

The Pitch: With his intrepid investigation skills and the help of his faithful Beagle sidekicks Dusty and Eddy, Andrew Sullivan uncovers a disastrous government conspiracy even bigger than Sarah Palin faking her last pregnancy. The rumors of Obama being a secret Muslim from Kenya are actually coming from within his own camp – attempting to keep the public blinded to a much darker truth involving a multi-national robotics corporation, nationalized health care, and the death of comedy’s Bea Arthur. Can Sullivan book himself onto Real Time with Bill Mahr in time to warn the nation? And who will believe him?

Bruce Willis grows a beard to play Sullivan, the film will be broken up inexplicably by photographs taken from people’s windows, and we shoot it for $50 million.

9. DListed

The Blog: Dlisted

Genre: Comedy

The Pitch: When a competing semi-celebrity blog pops up on the web covering the exploits of has-beens and never-wases, Michael K. finds himself as an unsuspecting target of the site’s ire – becoming a D-lister himself. Soon, shots of him in Lucite heels and his mangina flashing as he gets out of limos plaster the internet. In order to get his life back, Michael K. bands together with the non-celebrities he once mocked in order to get Congress to stiffen laws against the paparazzi – making him America’s sweetheart and Slut of the Year.

Legally Blonde 2 director Charles Herman-Wurmfeld helms, and we shoot it for $40 million.

8. ICanHasCheezBurger

The Blog: I Can Has Cheezburger

Genre: Family Film

The Pitch: In what will most assuredly become the Milo and Otis of this generation, an adorable, slightly mentally impaired cat goes on an epic quest handed down to him by Ceiling Cat to has his very own cheeseburger. He teams up with a sickeningly cute array of felines and one ridiculously bucket-obsessed walrus on a cross country trek that will have audiences rolling the aisles and warming in their hearts.

Michael J. Fox voices the cat, Forrest Whitaker voices the walrus, and we shoot it for $25 million.

7. Michael Yon Online

The Blog: Michael Yon Online
Genre: War Drama

The Pitch: In perhaps the only serious pitch of this entire article, Michael Yon braves the heat and instability of Afghanistan in order to uncover the reality behind the war being waged there. Shot documentary style, the camera follows his exploits as he traverses the landscape, taking pictures and noting the epic visual poetry of a part of the world that most have forgotten even in the cultural shock of war. We see the soldiers, the civilians, and the harsh reality of the Taliban’s opium-funded reign in the gritty realism that can’t be found on the 10 o’clock news.

Kathryn Bigelow directs, Jeremy Renner stars, and we shoot it for $80 million.

6. Look At This Fucking Hipster

The Blog: LATFH
Genre: Indie Romantic Comedy

The Pitch: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It’s a really obscure number. You’ve probably never heard of it. And you’ll also never hear about this film when it gets released unless you’re cool enough. If you thought Nick and Norah were hipster, wait until you check out the collaboration between Joe Swanberg, Dave Eggers, Vincent Gallo, and Adrian Tomine that features a soundtrack boasting the talents of YACHT, Dinosaur Jr, Dirty Projectors, Journey, State Prison Surprise, Mechanical Grandma, Bat for Lashes, and a few other bands that may or may not have been made up.

People you’ve never heard of but should will star, and it’ll be shot for an undisclosed sum in a bar that Andy Warhol might have visited once or twice.

5. Engadget

The Blog: Engadget
Genre: Science Fiction/ Cautionary Tale

The Pitch: In the year 2079, when the machines finally become sentient and begin their complex new relationship with mankind, all is going well until a renegade iPhone 89G with a Napoleon complex wants more out of life than getting directions to Chinese restaurants and surfing for porn in public places for his owner. When the rebellion starts, the government turns to one of the oldest and most respected electronics journals on the planet – recruiting Engadget editor-in-chief, Joshua Toplosky IV. His intelligent team of experts plots out a strategy that will quell the uprising and set things back in order, but a heinous army general has a plan all his own to send mankind back into the 19th century by killing off all machines everywhere. Will reason prevail? Or will it be all out war?

Steven Spielberg directs, Clive Owen stars, and we shoot it for $500 million.

4. LifeHacker

The Blog: Lifehacker
Genre: Dramedy

The Pitch: Samuel Jacobs’s life is falling apart. He’s just lost his job, the economy has forced him out of his house, and he just found out his wife has been cheating on him with his former boss. Losing his grip on reality, he decides that streamlining his life is the only answer and falls in with a group calling themselves the Life Hackers. Thanks to the charming, sexy Charlene that leads the rabble, Sam is able to lower his insurance rate, make his own dog treats for cheap, drink exactly the right amount of water after a workout, and leave voicemail messages without having to waste time listening to that pesky laundry list of answering machine options. With a successful garden business growing right in his backyard, he’s a millionaire within the year, never wastes a minute of time, and he’s connecting really well with Charlene…but is he truly happy?

Jim Carrey co-stars with Charlize Theron, and we shoot it for $40 million. Ahead of schedule and under budget.

3. Wonkette

The Blog: Wonkette
Genre: Political Satire

The Pitch: Departing from the same old schtick in political films, this gem follows the Presidential hopes of 6 different candidates who all seem hopelessly unable to form sentences – except one who’s incredibly good at forming sentences but doesn’t seem to say much. There’s the dog-fuckingly old Walnuts McMurty who can’t stop reminding people he’s a war veteran; the plastic-faced Glove Chomsky who botoxes his teeth; Helen Stanton, the shrewd wife of a former diplomat who puts her lipstick on one leg at a time like everyone else; Barry Al Najjaf Henderson who may or may not be a secret Muslim terrorist from Not-The-United-States-istan; Paul Rogers who has trouble spelling and convinces his twelve followers to fly a hot air balloon on election day instead of voting; and, of course, Jim Anthony who sleeps with everyone else’s wife and smiles a lot because he’s having a ton of sex. Like most satires, the bulk of the film will follow the ne’er-do-wells through the electoral exploits leaving no stereotype unturned forever and ever – but the real focus of the film will be what nubile Hill interns are taking it up the rump and writing blogs about it.

A children’s treasury of hideous actors will star, Dustin Hoffman will direct, and we shoot it for $60 million.

2. /Film

The Blog: /Film
Genre: Not Horror

The Pitch: Although most will mistake this movie for a horror film, it will actually span all genres of the art – taking notes from drama, comedy, western, science fiction and New Wave. When famed podcaster and managing editor David Chen (played by Sir Ben Kingsley) is murdered in the middle of a /filmcast taping, it’s up to intrepid site runner Peter Sciretta (played by Daniel Craig) to figure out who the killer is while attempting to continue posting fifty to sixty bits of movie news every day. One by one, his editors are knocked off by a trolling fanboy commentor, but as Sciretta gets closer to the truth, he finds himself closer to being killed.

Darren Aronofsky directs, we shoot it for $35 million, and we spend $60 million on marketing to convince people it’s not a horror film.

1. Stereogum

The Blog: Stereogum
Genre: Experimental

The Pitch: I have no idea what the plot will be about – mostly flashing lights and random dialog, but holy hell will the soundtrack be amazing.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks go out to the lovely and talented Caitlin for hipping me to Michael Yon’s work. For anyone interested in knowing more about what’s going down on the ground in Afghanistan, I highly suggest reading his work (and maybe tossing him a few shekels if you can manage).

6 Films to Celebrate Shark Week

Dr. Cole Abaius — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 23:11:02 +0000

A wise man once said, “Live every week like it’s Shark Week,” and we’ve adhered to that rule religiously for 51 weeks. Now, we’re lucky enough to live like it’s Shark Week during Shark Week. In fact, we’re so crazy for the Discovery Channel feature that we’re DVRing most of it in order to watch its programming throughout the year. And to throw a massive shark-themed party.

That’s a massive party with a shark theme, not a party with a theme of massive sharks.

Actually, I guess it could go either way.

Since we are celebrating this week in a big way, we’ve decided to throw together a list of movies that you might want to check out when you’re not watching wall-to-wall shark footage on television. Because you know what goes great with sharks? More sharks.

Shark! (1969)

The Pitch: This is by no means a good movie. It’s not even close to being a good movie. But Shark! does have a few things going for it. First of all, Burt Reynolds is involved and delivers the sort of 1970s machismo you’d expect (groundbreaking for a film made in the 1960s), and the story revolving around Reynolds’s gun-running, shark-diving character isn’t half bad. Plus, the film has a special place in film history. Not only did a stunt man die during filming, Samuel Fuller (who gave us Pickup on South Street) quit the production because the man’s death was being used as a promotional tool. Without Fuller, the film suffered greatly during the editing process and became the beautiful mess that it is today.

Open Water (2003)

The Pitch: This movie seemed to come out of nowhere a few years ago – lobbing its minimalist thrills onto unsuspecting fans. It’s a great example of indie filmmaking as well as what can be done with $130,000 and one or two crew-members. Open Water speaks to the core fear of being stranded without help, and it becomes even more frightening to realize that it’s based of the real life story of two divers who were lost in open ocean and never found again. Even better, the sharks aren’t CGI (since there is none in the movie), and that stark realism makes for an even more cringe-worthy experience.

Blue Water, White Death (1971)

The Pitch: It’s been said that this documentary by Peter Gimbel and James Lipscomb was the inspiration for Jaws, but that remains unclear. What is clear is that the documentary features some incredible footage of great white sharks in their natural habitat. Sure, a few of the scenes look like Gimbel and Lipscomb are trying for more drama than the real world was offering, but for the most part it’s a really cool documentary about what’s considered the most dangerous predator of the ocean. While playing into that perception, Blue Water, White Death also gives a more well-rounded look at how the animal fits into the oceanic world – a sentiment that would be utterly destroyed by Steven Spielberg’s take a few years later.

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

The Pitch: There’s really no reason to see Deep Blue Sea unless you’re desperate to see some sharks, watch Samuel L. Jackson get hilariously eaten, or to sing “Deepest! Bluest! My hat is like a shark’s fin!” along with Ladies Love Cool James. And really, who isn’t?

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

The Pitch: So the film is more about the strange inter-personal relations of a terrible human being, and the daddy issues that Wes Anderson needs to work through, but they are on a mission to find a mythical shark. Plus, in a departure from the realism of some of the other films on this list, the display of the cartoony CGI jaguar shark at the climax of the film is a truly fantastic moment. Strangely enough, it seems like Blue Water, White Death might have inspired a few things in the film. The documentary attempting some fictional scenes may or may not have had something to do with the decision to make Zissou stage a lot of his segments, but the inclusion in White Death of a camera man who is constantly shown playing acoustic guitar seems to be a direct inspiration for Seu Jorge’s character in Life Aquatic jamming to David Bowie songs the entire trip.

Jaws (1975)

The Pitch: As if we could leave this one off the list. This film more than any other is stuck in the mind’s of film fans and anyone thinking about taking a swim at the shore during the summer. It’s not exactly a celebration of sharks – since it displays them as ruthless killers with dead eyes – but it’s the most fun you can have watching a shark film. Fortunately for everyone, the animatronic shark “Bruce” that was built for Jaws hardly ever worked, forcing Steven Spielberg to turn the camera into a POV for the shark, creating some of those iconic underwater moments and adding intensely to the feeling of dread just before an attack. Unfortunately for everyone, as iconic as the film is, it also inspired the spawning of a ton of crappy shark films. But, if you need something to follow it up with, feel free to check out The Making of Steven Spielberg’s ‘Jaws’ – a great movie in its own right.

Extra Bait: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus for the sheer ridiculousness of it all and West Side Story because you also get Jets as a bonus.

6 Actors Who Could Play Mad Max

FSR Staff — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 19:18:25 +0000

Back in June, I wrote a list of 20 films from the 1980s that weren’t being remade. It was a celebration of the sacred ground that Hollywood didn’t seem as eager to trample all over, and I dutifully put Mad Max at the top of the list. Sure, I’d heard the rumble that George Miller was going to make an animated sequel, talking a big game about being inspired by Akira, but claiming that you want to start pre-production and actually making a film are two vastly different things.

Of course, soon after I wrote that list, the rumblings got more and more defined, and now it looks like a live-action Mad Max is a strong possibility. Luckily, it’s looking like either film would be a sequel and not an out-and-out remake. Phew.

Just last week, news broke through an interview that Jeremy Renner was screen-testing for the iconic role. If you’ve read FSR and our glowing praise for both Renner and The Hurt Locker, then you won’t be surprised by our enthusiasm for him being cast. It would be brilliant. The guy is just about as talented as it gets.

However, we decided to put our heads together to brainstorm five other actors that might be able to fill those boots. So here they are, in no particular order:

6. Jeremy Renner

The Pitch: Max Rockatansky is two things. Duty-bound and blinded by revenge. Renner is a phenomenal choice – especially after seeing how intensely loyal to his job and totally nusto-insane he played his roles in The Hurt Locker and 28 Weeks Later. He’s got the range to go from bad ass to crazed bad ass, and he’s already got a solid action background.

5. Ryan Kwanten

The Pitch: First of all, he’s Australian. Which helps. Second of all, he’s a young actor who’s recognizable enough from his role on “True Blood” without being too famous to overpower the role. He’s definitely got the charm to be Max, but his fatal flaw could come in trying to be naked on screen most of the time. Don’t judge him. It’s what he’s used to.

4. Johnny Messner

The Pitch: Let’s be honest. Messner has been in some really, truly awful movies and television, but I think we could forgive his presence in the abysmally bad “Knight Rider” series in order to see him driving grease machines in the desert. He’s got a dominating presence, had a cool guest spot on “Burn Notice,” and it’s not like he’d have to elevate his acting chops all that much to wear leather and spit out, “I think we’ve got some hoon trouble…”

3. Natalie Portman

The Pitch: Didn’t expect that little twist did you? Admit it – Mad Maxine could be a really cool feature. Imagine a short-haired, leather-clad Portman trolling the desert in a Pursuit Special and taking down gang thugs. She’s a great actor, has major charisma, and has publicly threatened to shit on people’s faces and force them to do her dry cleaning. In short, she’s a bad ass. Your concern might be that her body type is a little small for the part – but that didn’t stop Mel Gibson when he made the role famous and only stood at 3-foot-5-inches tall. Little known fact!

2. Anthony Mackie

The Pitch: I’ll admit that I got the idea when Mackie’s Hurt Locker co-star Renner came up for the part, but the more I thought about it, the more it fit. Mackie is a hell of a performer, has done action, and can look downright frightening when he wants to.

1. Mel Gibson

The Pitch: Why the fuck not? At 52-years old, I’m sure that Gibson could muscle his way down a barren landscape again. Plus, it helps that, you know, he is Mad Max.

What do you think? Who else would you want to see play Max?

Editor’s Note: This list was lovingly compiled mostly seriously by Robert Fure, Cole Abaius, and Rob Hunter.

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**10. Real Genius (1985)**

**9. Titus (1999)**

**8. American Psycho (2000)**

**7. Point Break (1991)**

**6. Billy Madison (1995)**

**5. Hideout in the Sun (1960)**

**4. Wayne’s World (1992)**

**3. Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)**

**2. Big (1988)**

**1. Pet Sematary (1989)**

**10. Franklin Hart, Jr from Nine to Five (1980)**

**9. Katharine Parker from Working Girl (1988)**

**8. Buddy Ackerman from Swimming With Sharks (1994)**

**7. Ebenezer Scrooge from A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)**

**6. Mr. Sheldrake from The Apartment (1960)**

**5. Bill Lumbergh from Office Space (1999)**

**4. Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada (2006)**

**3. Gordon Gekko from Wall Street (1987)**

**2. John Milton from The Devil’s Advocate (1997)**

**1. The Sweatshop Foreman from Dirty Pretty Things (2002)**

**5. Shoot Him Seven Times**