Message: You’re a douchebag.

Seriously. Quit checking your e-mail in the movie theater. Technology is awesome. I get it. Your iPhone has pictures of your last trip out to the bar, sweet. Your BlackBerry just alerted you to that new Profile Comment on MySpace. Better click it and find out what SxyMamacita4242 said about your new pics, bro!

It was bad enough when all you had to worry about in a theater was some asshole with his cellphone. Quick note – even if its just on vibrate, we still hear it jingling your keys, buddy. Pull it out to see who sent it and you bathe the immediate area in light. Not cool. What the hell is so important that it can’t wait? I refuse to believe I’m seeing a movie with 26 doctors in attendance.

Worried about missing your next big appointment too? What is up with the cell phone time check? You went into the movie at X and you will leave Y minutes later at Z. Does it matter at any point in between? Nope. You’re still leaving the theater at the same time so take a freaking 2 hour break and forget your cell phone. Get a damn watch instead of pulling out your flashlight phone just to check how long you’ve been sitting in the movie theater. Seriously.

I wish I was important enough to have to check my email 132 times a day, no matter where I am. What kind of emails are these people getting? Can I get some? Actually, never mind, I don’t check my email while trying to enjoy a movie. When you watch a flick, it should be like you’re sitting in a black box with nothing going on except what’s on the screen. Every time someone pops open a phone or flips on a Smart gadget, it’s like a torch going off, distracting just about anyone sitting behind the light.

What I’m really trying to say is turn your phones off. Don’t vibrate it. Don’t check the time. Don’t read your emails. Relax. Escape. Let it all go. It’ll be better for you because then you won’t have to ask what’s going on. And it’ll be better for the rest of us because we don’t get that annoying white glow erupting at various spots in the theaters.

Maybe I’m the only one really bothered by this, maybe you’ve got some important business going on or maybe everyone should just be allowed to do whatever they want, but me, I’m sick of cell phones and smart phones and glowing gadgets in theaters. I want to sit in a dark theater and watch what’s on the screen, not see little blips of lights dotting up around the room as people check emails and texts and get time updates. Whether or not I’m justified in hating you for whipping your cell out four times during the movie, I’m definitely passed my boiling point.

What bothers you in theaters? Do cell phones drive you nuts at the movies?