Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

You believe this guy? Come on! Ninja kick the damn rabbit! Do something.

Synopsis

New York City is stricken with a crime wave that seems to almost be paralyzing the city. No one is quite sure where it came from, though there are rumors it has something to do with a syndicate of ninja thieves with origins in Japan. Citizens live in fear and hope seems to be in short supply. However, unbeknownst to anyone, a new group of vigilantes has come out of hiding to confront the growing threat: four giant, mutated turtles trained in the art of Ninjutsu and their master, a similarly mutated rat (with an interesting appreciation for the Italian Renaissance). Along with April O’Neil, a news reporter, and Casey Jones, another vigilante donning a hockey mask, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Splinter must uncover the origins of, and ultimately destroy, the secretive Foot Clan and their mysterious leader, the Shredder.

Why We Love It

Not before, not since, and, I imagine, never again, will a film come into my life the way Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles did. It’s a rare treat for a film to be released at a moment when it will resonate meaningfully. Even rarer is a film that is released at exactly the perfect moment, when “something” becomes “everything,” and simple appreciation makes way for zealous obsession. I was six years old in 1990 when it was released, and to this day, I’ve never wanted to be anything, yearned to be anything, more than I wanted to be a ninja turtle. I made nunchucks out of socks, taped my fingers together to give myself a more authentic look, broke countless pieces of furniture swinging a broomstick around like a bo, and took karate lessons for the sole purpose of defeating the Foot. I had the turtle van, the turtle blimp, the turtle cycle, and the pizza shooter. I even had the technodrome! There was no limit to my turtle craze, and I owe it all to this little independent film based on a comic series by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird.

The core of this film, in my opinion, and what makes it stand out from, say, the second, third, and CGI films in the franchise is how the source material is handled. I don’t necessarily mean the storylines from the comics or how the characters are designed. For me, the secret to success is how seriously the material was taken. That may sound silly since I’m talking about a movie with giant talking animals (trained in martial arts, no less), a villain named “The Shredder,” and jokes about everything from Jose Canseco to Wheel of Fortune. But one simply needs to watch a few episodes of the original animated series to see what I mean. There was also a subtle shift in tone in the films after the first, with the second taking a more comic approach before the third one pretty much flew off the damn rails. I understand that as the Turtles grew in popularity, they were molded more and more to fit with their main audience, but there were a few things lost in the shuffle. The first film was definitely light, and the tone never strayed too far down a darker road, but it never felt cartoonish. They more or less nailed the spirit of the comics.

Even today, the look of the turtles and Splinter is pretty good. That’s not really surprising considering they were done by the Jim Henson Company. The foam rubber suits that the actors wore seem to have been designed really well, with plenty of maneuverability for both high flying ninja skills as well as adequate facial expressions. I can’t imagine they were comfortable though, and I bet it was hot as hell in there. Their discomfort was our gain, of course, because we got some pretty impressive physical acting that brought the turtles to life. What I wouldn’t give to have one of those suits to wear around the house on the weekends. Beyond the turtles, the acting was mostly hit, with only a little miss. Judith Hoag did a great job as April O’Neil, with a performance that is still the best April we’ve seen in any medium. The same can be said for Christopher Meloni Elias Koteas in his depiction of Casey Jones. Koteas’ portrayal will always be my default when I think of Casey. He had the perfect look and the perfect attitude. No one else has even come close.

Let me take a moment to talk about the Shredder. Every hero needs a villain, and any superhero story without a strong, interesting villain suffers horribly as a result. Out of the television shows and the films, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the only one to get this right. The Shredder is presented fairly menacingly, and we believe, from the moment we meet him, that he is truly a dangerous foe. Unfortunately, he just wasn’t played as seriously in the second movie (Super Shredder? What the fuck?), and he was downright comic relief in the original television series. The final battle between the turtles and the Shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was excellent, showing that the turtles had met their match in a powerful opposite who surpassed their abilities. True, his demise may have been a bit contrived, but who can argue with Master Splinter being the biggest badass of them all?

Moment We Fell In Love

I could lie to you and say that the moment I fell in love with this movie was the sequence at the beginning when the turtles save April from a few thugs and Raph loses his sai. I could say it was when Raph fights Casey Jones for the first time or when the turtles eat pizza (after some fancy sword work from Leo) and do a little dancing. I could even say it was the fight in April’s apartment or the time the turtles spent on the farm. I could say a lot of things, but that would be my twenty-six year old brain talking. Want to know when I fell in love as a six year old? Six words: God, I love being a turtle.

Cliché? Perhaps. But Michelangelo was always my favorite, and I have a sneaking suspicion that line is why. Cowabunga!

Final Thoughts

What can I say about the ninja turtles that hasn’t already been said? The franchise has become a juggernaut, spawning countless toys, comics, four films, and numerous television shows. Hell, there was even live rock music tour. You guys remember that? Coming Out of Their Shells? I had the cassette tape from Pizza Hut and wore the damn thing out. In fact, I can still remember the lyrics to many of those crazy songs (if someone knows how I can get a copy, let me know). Suffice it to say, the turtles are a global success. However, nothing has come as close to the spirit—and badassery—of the comics as the first live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I know people are tired of hearing “reboot,” but I would honestly love to see an updated Turtles film that stuck as close to the comics as possible and featured a dark, gritty, and violent universe.

Christopher Nolan?

I joke but don’t act like you wouldn’t poop yourself with excitement.

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I like romantic comedies. In fact, some of my favorite movies are romantic comedies. Unfortunately, they are difficult to do correctly, and Hollywood has been doing this genre a disgrace for some time. It’s interesting, because I consider both successful comedy and touching romance to be two of the most difficult narrative achievements. So I don’t really understand how this assembly line approach to films that hinge on both has become so prolific. I went in to The Bounty Hunter a bit skeptical, considering the trailers looked like more of the same. And I was right. As Milo says at one point in the film, “Most of the time, if it looks a certain way, it probably is.”

The Bounty Hunter stars Gerard Butler as Milo Boyd. He is a bounty hunter (surprise!) who was kicked off the police force and now makes his living rounding up people who skip bail. Jennifer Aniston plays his ex-wife Nicole Hurly. She is a reporter on the trail of a story that just doesn’t seem quite right. Oh yeah, and she has a court date for assaulting a police officer. Predictable plots being the way they are, she misses the court date, which causes the judge to issue a bench warrant, and Milo jumps at the chance to take his ex-wife to jail and collect on the bounty. Add in a paint-by-the-numbers subplot about a suspicious suicide that ultimately involves both characters, and there’s your film. This subplot isn’t hinted at in the trailers at all, and it may come as a bit of a surprise to people going in expecting an entire film comprised of Milo’s struggle to take Nicole to jail.

The marketing goal of this movie, as it is with most romantics comedies, is the sell of the two leads. Gerard Butler is a good-looking guy and the ladies love him. Jennifer Aniston is still riding the Friends high and is popular with the mainstream public. Put them in a film where unconventional conflict (both emotional and physical) is central to the plot, add in some real life dating rumors, and Columbia has a surefire money-grab at the box office. The story isn’t important, their characters aren’t really important, and the subplot certainly isn’t important. Everything serves as a catalyst to move the conflict between Aniston and Butler forward, and that’s the movie’s selling point, as anyone who has seen the trailers can see.

The problem? Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston have zero chemistry. None at all. A bad script is one thing (and this movie certainly has that), but occasionally two lead actors can rise above bad writing and bad directing to make a terrible film at least mediocre by showing real chemistry onscreen and drawing us into their quest for reconciliation, however absurd it may be. But don’t expect that here. Their interactions just never really feel authentic, and certainly aren’t interesting, and I’m not really sure why that is. I think Butler is a decent actor, who has unfortunately fallen into the romantic comedy trap since 300. I enjoyed RocknRolla and Gamer wasn’t a complete waste of time, but this guy needs a new manager, agent, or both. Aniston falls into the same category. She has some acting range, as seen in The Good Girl and Friends With Money, but now she just makes the same films over and over.

Like the actors, the characters of Milo and Nicole don’t feel very authentic either. Not once did I ever really accept their relationship, and I certainly couldn’t ever imagine them being in love. It’s not that their characters were unbelievable, per se; some of the things they do work within the film’s universe (not all), but they are missing those little touches that help an audience buy their interactions. Rule number one for a romantic comedy—your characters have to be well-written enough for the viewer to accept the inevitably ridiculous things they will do. That’s why characters like Dermot Mulroney’s in The Wedding Date work, and Matthew McConaughey’s in Failure to Launch don’t. Both are bad romantic comedies, but I can accept Mulroney’s motivations and actions in context. Milo’s actions as a bounty hunter, Nicole’s as a reporter, and their conflicts with each other make little sense and induce all-too-common eye rolls. Milo does have some legitimately funny lines, however, and Butler is able to pull them off. Aniston was not funny once in the film. I never liked her character and couldn’t really care about the things she did. I chalk this up to Butler just being inherently more charismatic than Aniston.

The only semblance of triumph in The Bounty Hunter is its supporting cast, anchored by Jason Sudeikis, Jeff Garlin, and Siobhan Fallon. Sudeikis has a few funny moments as one of Nicole’s coworkers convinced of a budding relationship based on one drunken night of kissing. Garlin is always great, and his few scenes as Milo’s bail bondsmen employer strike the comedic mark. But the only truly laugh out loud moments of the entire film come from Siobhan Fallon, who plays Garlin’s wife. She has maybe three or four lines total, but there is more comedy found there than the rest of the movie combined. One in particular had me actually digging down into my gut for a little laughter. The rest of the cast falls flat, much like Milo and Nicole, and I thought Christine Baranski’s performance as Nicole’s mother was downright awful.

What can be said about the story and direction? Director Andy Tennant (Hitch) does an acceptable job. The direction never gets in the way of the film, and the action sequences aren’t bad. As is the case in most romantic comedies, the direction and cinematography are just there, not an enhancement for or detraction from the film. The main story of Milo taking Nicole to jail is predictable and the subplot involving Nicole’s interest in a suicide case is pretty ridiculous, full of plot holes and bad writing. It all serves as a catalyst to bring as much conflict into the lives of Milo and Nicole as possible to keep them playing off each other. Unfortunately, both stories are boring and come together in easily predicted ways. The ending is also one of those typical romantic comedy endings that just leaves you shaking your head with raised eyebrows as you exit the theater. It’s a shame too, because I actually think the premise could have worked with a good script that cut the tired, cliché subplot and had fully-realized characters with better-casted leads.

Ultimately, The Bounty Hunter’s success always counted on Butler and Aniston being likeable and funny. They are neither in the film, and that’s its primary downfall. I could have accepted everything else about the movie if they had succeeded, because plot rarely plays a central role in romantic comedies; it’s all about the characters, and falling in love with them as they fall in love with each other is what’s important. Unfortunately, the only thing I felt was boredom.

The Upside: Siobhan Fallon, Jeff Garlin, and Jason Sudeikis. Butler delivers a few good lines.

The Downside: Romantic comedy without romance or comedy. Bad plot, bad characters, and zero chemistry between Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston.

On the Side: Butler and Aniston are supposedly an item in real life. If that’s true, it makes me wonder how good the relationship is if they can’t muster any more onscreen chemistry than they did here.

There are few things these days that really manage to get me excited. One is NASA giving a two-day warning about some mysterious thing whizzing by earth and it thankfully not blasting a hole in the side of the planet. Another is the fortuitous discovery of my apartment containing both peanut butter and chocolate frosting at the same time, so that I may combine them on a spoon and experience transcendence. And the last is the possibility of one of my favorite book series of all time becoming an HBO series. Now, my friends, we are one step closer to Game of Thrones appearing and my pants disappearing.

Always the diligent source of news for Game of Thrones, the folks over at Winter Is Coming have pointed my beady little fanboy eyes to an article by The Hollywood Reporter’s James Hibberd about comments from HBO’s Michael Lombardo at the TCA event today. I don’t know about you, but things like—“Everything looks fantastic,” “You forget its fantasy while you’re watching it, and that’s what I love about it,” and “I would be surprised if it doesn’t [get greenlit]. It has everything going for it” really manage to give you a sense of what producers David Benioff and Dan Weiss and director Tom McCarthy have accomplished. Also according to Lombardo, if Game of Thrones is picked up, it would air sometime in “March or April” of 2011.

If this happens, it will probably be the single greatest moment of my life (Sorry, honey). There are three book series that sit atop little pedestals in my heart: The Lord of the Rings, The Dark Tower, and The Song of Ice and Fire (GoT is the first book). Peter Jackson already gave me one. Now it’s time for HBO to give me another, and perhaps I will get that third sometime before I die.

Stay tuned to FSR for more about Game of Thrones if it gets picked up, because I will climb atop my little keyboard mountain and type until my fingers fall off.

Before 2001, movies really didn’t mean a lot to me. Sure, I loved the general mainstream fair that blew up the box office and showed enough sex and violence to keep my demented, testosterone-saturated mind happy, but the Art of Cinema was completely lost on me. Movies like Under Siege and Commando dominated my late nights in front of the television, and I can distinctly remember seeing a trailer for Fargo and thinking, “What the goddamn fuck?” (I also remember begging my stepdad to let me watch Showgirls so I could “see the boobs.” Hey, I’m not proud. My attitude might not have changed, but at least I’m a little more subtle now.) But what do you expect? I was sixteen and far more interested in John Grisham novels and The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time to really care too much about what was playing at the local movie theater.

I’m not really sure when that all changed. Perhaps I got a little older and a little more mature. Maybe it was simply a byproduct of boredom and the instinctual need to get away from EverQuest every now and then before the Universe deemed me unworthy and I was killed off Darwinian-style. Regardless of how it happened, one random day I wandered into my hometown’s Movie Gallery (you people from small towns know that one) and selected a movie for no apparent reason. It might not have been the best movie ever made, but it was the first movie that I ever finished and thought, “Well, that was interesting; maybe it’s time to see what else is out there?”

I truly believe that art is extremely important and that through it we learn about ourselves and the world around us. Film obviously fits in there and has become a significant artistic element of my life. There is a power in this medium, and I think we all can tie certain films to important elements or times in our lives. So, here at the end of the first decade that movies became significant for me, I wanted to make a small list of films that either had a personal impact on my life or marked a milestone in my development from a teenager who thought Spaced Invaders was a damn good flick to someone who managed to get a pretty sweet gig writing for a great film site.

Disclaimer: This is not a list of what I consider to be the best of the decade, so please don’t Internet-yell at me in the comments. I merely wanted to show a little bit of my coming of age as a film lover and hopefully spur you guys on to reveal what films did the same for you. Also, I attempted to put these in order of when I saw them, not necessarily when they were released. Autobiographically, fuckers.

The Believer

Here it is. If you were on the edge of your seat wondering what movie it was that started this journey, then your wait is over. The Believer is a little indie flick starring a young(er?) Ryan Gosling in a role as a neo-Nazi who may just happen to be keeping a little family secret from those he is associated with. Now, admittedly, I haven’t seen this movie since 2001, but I remember really liking it. It was the first time I ever saw Ryan Gosling, and his story in this film really resonated with me at the time. I wasn’t a neo-Nazi, of course, but the main character’s feeling of isolation and journey for self-discovery weren’t so different than how I felt at sixteen. As a bonus, check out Garret Dillahunt in his second film role ever!

About Schmidt

After roughly a year of working through other random smaller movies and things off my radar, I came to my first Alexander Payne flick About Schmidt. Warren Schmidt, wonderfully played by Jack Nicholson, hits a wall in his life. After the death of his wife and the discovery that his daughter is about to marry sort of a bum, he begins to wonder, “Just what is important in life?” And, as I was gearing up to leave for college, that was pretty much exactly how I was feeling. I distinctly remember a scene at the beginning of the movie where Schmidt is sitting at a desk in a room completely painted white staring as the clock ticked toward five. It may seem a bit cliché now, but at the time, there was no better visual representation of how I felt about “growing up.”

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Obviously, I kept up with my discovery of smaller films with these little-known gems based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s wonderful tale about a group of Hobbits who become unlikely heroes in a war to save the world. Yeah, I doubt any of you needed these movies brought to your attention, since they, you know, pretty much grossed more money than the GDP of some small countries. Even though I am a Middle Earth fanatic (I really am, much to my wife’s shame), that isn’t the only reason these movies hold a special place in my heart. This was the first time that I ever got caught up in the excitement of a movie pre-release. When I heard they were making these films, I turned my internal hype up to eleven and counted down the days. In the end, I stood in line on opening day for all three films, and saw each one more than five times in the theater.

Requiem for a Dream

There are a wonderful range of emotions that any work of art can elicit from those of us fortunate enough to partake. We’ve all laughed, been brought to tears, angered, or scared while watching a movie. There are also different kinds of each as well as a broad spectrum, making up infinite possibilities. And, I have to admit, Darren Aronofsky’s Requiem for a Dream found a level of fear that I never knew existed. This movie scared the shit out of me. Not fear like The Exorcist might produce, but fear like those short films from the D.A.R.E. program so hilariously tried to create in their futile attempt to get through to kids as stupid as all of us were at that age. They need to get rid of those right now and start showing Requiem instead. As a freshman in college who was probably partying just a little too hard, this film hit me like a ton of bricks.

Y Tu Mamá También

This goes down as the first foreign film I ever saw. As most people in college do, I fell into a multicultural crowd that opened my eyes to entertainment from other parts of the world. A good number of my friends from college are from Spanish-speaking countries, and one adorable little Honduran introduced me to Alfonso Cuarón’s Y Tu Mamá También. This is such a remarkable film and even though I was well aware they had electricity and other things required to make movies in other countries, I never really made any sort of artistic connection until this film. Unfortunately, there are still far too many people who say things like, “What? Foreign films? I don’t go to a movie to read.” Stop being dunces and open your damn minds.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

Say what you want about the prequel Star Wars movies, but I still enjoy them. Granted, not nearly to the same degree as the originals, but any time I get to see Jedi wielding lightsabers (The word “lightsaber” isn’t recognized by MS Word? What the fuck?) and evil dudes controlling the Dark Side of the Force, I am fairly content. But the third installment of the prequel Star Wars films holds the distinction of the first midnight showing I ever attended. And what an epic midnight showing it was. I saw people in Jedi robes, little kids dressed as Yoda, and a freakishly large Chewbacca that damn near took one dude’s head off for trying to cut in line. Once in the theater, lightsaber duels took center stage in front of the screen as each row sent their champion to do battle for the glory of all. I am happy to announce the back row’s champion did us proud and was only brought to his knees by a cheap trick from a middle-side row. And this is why, to this day, I never trust people that sit near the exits.

Lost in Translation

I know Dr. Abaius considers this movie to be quite boring, but I completely disagree (Where did he get that Ph.D. from anyway?). This little film about a famous actor in Japan who meets up with a girl left to wander around aimlessly by her photographer husband is one of my personal favorites. I’m not really sure why, but it may have something to do with my Bill Murray obsession coupled with my obsession with pretentious indie films. Murray’s performance is beautiful and I will defend this film until the day I die. This was also the first film that was recommended by a good friend of mine for whom movies were his life. We met through work and thus started a few years of watching one movie after another after another. He is also the one who got me interested in screenwriting, and for the first time, through him, I actually begin to care about a movie’s screenwriter just as much as, if not more so, its director.

Wonder Boys

Oh, Wonder Boys. Not only is this a great flick and one everyone should see (especially my fellow English degree graduates), it’s the first film that I used as a dating tool. You film lovers out there know what I am talking about. We all have those movies that we either keep in reserve to show to a prospective girlfriend/boyfriend as a way to reel them in or that we show as a way to measure this person’s worth as a human being before we decide if they are worth the trouble and financial distress of dating. As a man with not one but two degrees in English (Oh, imagine how happy my parents were with that!), Wonder Boys was the perfect little movie to show to girls from my classes as a conversation-starter. “Want to watch a movie? Have you seen Wonder Boys? Oh, you will love it.” Yeah, I was a pimp, fo’ sho’.

The Producers

This is one I’m sure our Austin-based Rejects will appreciate. The Producers (the remake, with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick) has the distinct honor of being the first film I ever saw at the Alamo Drafthouse. If you’ve never seen a movie there, then you need to plan a road trip and get down to south Texas immediately. There are few things in the world better than food, beer, and a great movie, and being able to experience all of that at a phenomenal cinematic venue is priceless. I’ve only seen the remake of The Producers this one time, but what a time it was. I don’t know if the hilarity of this film was because of the actual film or the six Negro Modelo(s?) I managed to imbibe before it was over. This was also a significant occasion because it holds the record for the time I’ve come the closest to peeing on myself since I got out of diapers. I have a strict no-getting-up-during-a-movie rule, but I was tested on this occasion and have never run out of a theater faster before or since.

There Will Be Blood

I doubt I need to tell some of you this, but there is stress and then there is stress. Let me set the stage. My then-girlfriend and I made a trip last year to New York City to see the sights, smell the smells, and eat the eats. But, I also had an ulterior motive, in that I had chosen this trip as the perfect time to propose (Awww, I know!). So one day, I set the plans in motion that would culminate in a romantic dinner in Little Italy and the proposal (Yes, I admit I’m a tad cliché and not overly original). But before dinner, we wanted to go out and check a few more places off the itinerary she was bound-and-damn-determined to follow. We weren’t coming back to the hotel, so I had to walk around, all day, in New York City, across numerous subway rides, with her engagement ring in my pocket. Now, I’m anxious enough on a normal day to have borderline hypertension, but this pretty much sent me off the register. Everything turned out fine though, as I assume you can imagine. Before dinner, we decided to see a movie, and luckily she wanted to see Paul Thomas Anderson’s There Will Be Blood as much as I did. It may not be the most romantic movie ever, but we both absolutely loved it, and the emotional stimulation we felt afterward was an interesting way to lead into a marriage proposal.

The Dark Knight

Remember how I said I saw every film in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy at least five times? Yeah, The Dark Knight was the equivalent for the end of the decade. Few times in my life have I walked out of a theater completely ecstatic and elated about what I just saw, and this was the last time I felt this way. Now, that’s not to say I haven’t seen movies since then that I’ve considered better than The Dark Knight, but there is just something there that I can’t describe. I assume all you film-lovers know what I am talking about. There’s that deeply-hidden emotion, a feeling buried deep inside your core, which only certain stimuli can tap into. It’s different for everyone, so different things will trigger it. Call me a nerd, but I’ve felt it only four times in my life: when I got married, when I finally finished my master’s thesis, and when I saw each of The Lord of the Rings films and The Dark Knight for the first time.

Gran Torino

I enjoyed Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino even if I felt like there were significant flaws, and I am proud to list it as the last significant film of the past decade because it was the first film I wrote about for Film School Rejects! Now, I know none of you saw this, but for my application, I had to write a review of a film of my choosing. Since Gran Torino was the last movie I saw in the theater, I decided that it was as good of a candidate as any other. I won’t mention that I also had to write a news article, and I chose one where I made the claim that Terminator Salvation was going to blow us all away and make more money than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s a wonder Neil even brought me onboard!

And so a movie writer was born, from the humblest of beginnings (Admit it, you loved Sidekicks and 3 Ninjas as a kid): Thirteen movies that had personal significance for one reason or another during the last decade. It was quite a coming of age, cinematically-speaking, and I wish I could highlight the dozens of other films that have contributed to the evolution from bright-eyed child obsessed with action to just another asshole with an opinion and a keyboard.

Here’s to the next decade and two new films set in Middle Earth!

It’s no secret around my neck of the woods that I’m a rabidly-obsessive Middle Earth fanatic. I re-read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings every year (with some Silmarillion usually thrown in for good measure every other year), I saw each of the films five times in the theatre (the first always at midnight, opening day), and I absolutely refuse to watch the standard editions now, much to my wife’s dismay, as I believe the extended editions to be the definitive and only cuts that exist.

So, to say that I mildly excited when news about The Hobbit began to drift across the fields of the Shire would be an understatement akin to calling the Sammath Naur nothing more than a pothole. What do we know? We know that Peter Jackson is onboard to produce and that Guillermo Del Toro will be taking over the director’s chair. Unfortunately, that’s about it, but as filming in 2010 begins to inch closer and closer, it is inevitable that casting rumors will become more frequent and that it’s only a matter of time before we have our ensemble cast headed by Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield.

So, what’s the newest casting rumor? According to the folks over at Ain’t It Cool News, Brian Cox (Braveheart, The Bourne Identity, X2, Trick R Treat) is either locked down or being heavily considered for a role as one of the thirteen dwarves that accompany Bilbo on his quest. As a huge fan of Mr. Cox, I applaud this piece of casting news, and considering his age, demeanor, and star power, I would venture a guess that he isn’t being considered for just any of the dwarves, but as Thorin Oakenshield himself. Beyond Thorin, I could see him as Gloin, but if Brian Cox is being considered for Gloin (or another dwarf, however doubtful that would be), then they must have someone really special in mind for Thorin. However, since they obviously won’t cast big names for all thirteen roles, I would place my bet on the King Under the Mountain.

When Harry Met Sally (1989)

No, no, you did not have great sex with Sheldon. A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man. But humpin’ and pumpin’ is not Sheldon’s strong suit. It’s the name. “Do it to me, Sheldon. You’re an animal, Sheldon. Ride me, big Shel-don.” Doesn’t work.

Synopsis

Harry Burns (Billy Crystal) and Sally Albright (Meg Ryan) meet while sharing a ride from Chicago to New York City after college. After some awkward situations and interesting conversation, they part ways a little less than amicably. Five years later, they bump into each other again, and once again part under less than ideal conditions. Five more years go by and both have seen their share of love’s ups and downs. This time, however, their friendship is able to blossom, and as it develops the central question of the film is tested: “Can men and women truly be friends?”

Why We Love It

I’m not ashamed to say that I love a good romantic comedy. The problem is, as always, that there are far too few romantic comedies that are even worth the ink printed on the ticket, let alone the cost of two tickets and the popcorn and drinks my wife can’t seem to see a movie without. For every Love Actually, there’s a Maid in Manhattan, Failure to Launch, 27 Dresses, or any other number of generic romantic comedies that just don’t seem to have any heart, or, more importantly, any intelligence. And that’s really the problem. The cookie cutter romantic comedy has become a bland, senseless, predictable, and completely unrealistic take on love with one-dimensional characters, terrible acting, and lackluster writing. Fortunately, this overabundance of truly shitty movies makes one appreciate those gems that really shine out as not only good within the genre, but good overall. And one such movie, my personal favorite, is When Harry Met Sally.

There is just so much to like about this film. It has interesting, likable characters with just enough quirk, a great script, solid directing, and wonderful performances. It’s the kind of old-school romantic comedy that they just don’t make anymore. Films in this genre were classically meant to poke fun at the relationships between human beings. They were set up to focus on the differences between men and women and how those differences were the foundation of the problems between them. In the end, the characters learned to embrace those differences, and in doing so, came to the conclusion that they weren’t really that different after all. When Harry Met Sally is also about relationships but is expanded to include the concept of friendship between a man and a woman. Harry confidently claims that men and women can’t be friends because the sex always gets in the way, and the question whether or not this is true is at the heart of Nora Ephron’s Oscar-nominated script. By asking this question, it is given the avenue to rise above the generic genre fare and explore the nature of platonic friendships and romantic relationships, how and where they intersect, and why they are essential to our understanding of the human condition.

Structurally, When Harry Met Sally is presented in a way that I think works very effectively. We first meet Harry and Sally right out of college as they drive to NYC together. They interact and move on. We see them again five years later. They once again interact and move on. Finally, we see them after five more years, and this is where the relationship that was simply cordial before takes off, since both characters have recently hit a low point in their love lives and could use a friend. It’s a nice way to get a sense of these characters and give the viewer a feeling of growth. Also, When Harry Met Sally is framed within and sprinkled with a series of interviews about people’s relationships. According to director Rob Reiner, the stories are true, though they are told by actors playing the parts of the married couples. These interviews are very effective at setting the tone of how the nature of relationships is viewed within the setting of the film. Since these stories are true, it also gives a sense of realism, and we hear about the kind of relationships that we’ve all heard from friends, parents, grandparents, or other acquaintances.

I remember my mother telling me a story about how my grandmother broke up with my grandfather before their high school prom so that she could go with someone that knew how to dance. Afterward, they got back together. Those are exactly the kind of stories you will hear told, presented in a way that is believable and makes you think, “It sure is crazy how people meet and fall in love.” And that’s the feeling you are supposed to take into the rest of the movie as you follow Harry and Sally on their own journey through meeting, friendship, and beyond.

But really, the true beauty of this film is how it portrays the characters of Harry Burns and Sally Albright. They are given a real depth, and we are allowed to see into both their lives and how the effect of their romantic relationships and friendship between each other shapes their feelings, reactions, and emotional understanding. Unlike most romantic comedies, especially these days, both characters are given the chance to grow, interact, experience, and make choices, just like real people. All too often, we see characters (usually men) who simply exist and have no real weight. They are there for the sole purpose of giving the main character an outside stimulus for personal reactions and plot advancement. They are “reacted to” instead of “interacted with.” When Harry Met Sally gets it right, and we are given characters that not only feel believable but are also relatable. Their words resonate because we’ve heard it all before, not just in movies and on television but at bars, in living rooms, and on the phone.

Speaking of the characters, I have to say something about the performances of Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan, Carrie Fisher, and Bruno Kirby. In few romantic comedies will you find a set of performances as strong as in When Harry Met Sally. Though Kirby and Fisher aren’t given a whole lot, they do a great job with transcending the typical “best friend” roles that we see all the time. Plus, their budding relationship and eventual marriage give them more to work with and prove to be a nice addition to the story of Harry and Sally. Meg Ryan also does a magnificent job, making Sally simultaneously adorable and maddening. She perfectly embodies the quirky girl that you just can’t help to love no matter how annoying she might be, and it’s no wonder she was considered the Queen of Romantic Comedies from this point on. But the true star, in my opinion, is Billy Crystal. He is hilarious and brings an emotional weight to Harry that I feel really carries the movie. There are plenty out there who disagree and think Billy Crystal isn’t much of a romantic lead, but I think he’s one of the best I’ve ever seen.

Moment We Fell In Love

In the film industry, it is generally understood that the first ten pages of a script/ten minutes of a movie are the most important. And in my opinion When Harry Met Sally has some of the best opening scenes of any movie, romantic comedy or otherwise. From the beginning of their road trip to New York City to when Sally drops Harry off at Washington Square Park, we are treated to true cinematic gold and some of the most hilarious interactions in the movie. That’s not to say the film starts going downhill afterward, but if a viewer ever needed a comedic hook to keep watching a film, feel free to take your pick from any number in the opening scenes.

Final Thoughts

If you made it this far, I’m sure you can tell that I have some serious love for this film. Maybe it’s because I relate to Harry and find his view on the world pretty damn entertaining. Or maybe it’s because my own wife reminds me a lot of Sally. Like her, she likes to order food in some of the most frustrating ways imaginable, checks to make sure each letter doesn’t get stuck in a postal drop box, and is pretty much the worst kind of high maintenance (because she thinks she’s low maintenance). Or perhaps it’s the universal exploration of friendship, love, and the nature of human relationships. My guess is all three, and that’s where this film really triumphs. Creating deep, interesting, relatable, and funny characters is one thing. Crafting a rich and emotional story that stays timeless by focusing on the depth of love and how it evolves through a relationship is another. Expertly putting them together, especially in a romantic comedy, is a rare occurrence, and that’s why When Harry Met Sally is really a movie we love.

Check out more Movies We Love.

Editor’s Note: When long-time contributor Paul Sileo said that he wanted to stretch his legs and create something “different” and “fresh” for Halloween, we weren’t sure what to think. But when he delivered this little gem of fan fiction, we were more than ready to oblige.

It’s no secret that my favorite holiday of the year is Halloween. I am a man obsessed with creativity, and there is no holiday that even comes close to eliciting the kind of jaw-dropping, jealousy-inducing creativity that Halloween does. From impressive decorations to inspired costumes, awesome parties to even better drinks and finger foods, and the seemingly subconscious desire for women to let their sexy kitten or pirate wench out, Halloween delivers the kind of downright mayhem that makes it the setting for so many stories that begin with, “Dude, remember when…”

But one thing no successful Halloween celebration would be without is a large stock of scary movies. There are many, many movies that exist for the sole purpose of being released around Halloween (Hello, Saw franchise), and they do good business. Why? Because people love to get into the mood of the season by doing their absolute best to terrify themselves into a urine-soaked fetal position, the bigger the puddle, the better. So that got me thinking. Why not get Film School Rejects in on the easy dinero and make a monster movie? Hell, Paranormal Activity was made for peanuts, and they killed at the box office. It’s true they needed an internet petition to go around, but I figure Neil could organize enough of his Twitter followers to get things rolling. Besides, it’s not like it would be any good. As we all know, writers can’t act.

Anyway, without further delay, I would like to present the first Film School Rejects feature film:

REJECTED BY DEATH

Synopsis:

For centuries, they have lived in the darkness, invading the barrier between the rational and the fear of things that go bump in the night. Humanity has always felt an uneasy acceptance for things that were better left unexplained, but what was once respect for the evil that prowls just outside the peripheral vision of a quickly-turned head has become nothing more than easily dismissed fireside tales. In the age of CGI and scientific reason, humans have little use for irrational fear, and the villains and monsters that haunted so many nightmares have been reduced down to horror movie caricatures, toys, and cartoons on the front of cereal boxes. It seems however that our transgressions have finally caught up with us, and as the rallying cry goes out, our nightmares have awoken and decided that it’s time we were reminded just what fear once was.

Cast:

Neil Miller as the WOLFMAN

This was a fairly easy decision. Have you seen a picture of this man? I’ve heard his beard has to shave its beard. Not to mention that I’ve got it on pretty good authority that his roommates have to sweep up conspicuous piles of hair that seem to collect in the corners of the bathroom. Beyond that, though, our famed Editor-in-Chief has the gravitas to uphold the aristocratic nature of his untransformed self as well as the savage ferocity needed to be a convincing monster. It sort of resembles the leading up to and subsequent passing of a deadline around here.

Cole Abaius as the SERIAL KILLER

This was another no-brainer. I mean, the man majored in Philosophy. If that doesn’t point to a disturbed mind on the edge of tumbling into calculated chaos, I don’t know what does. Cole also has that unassuming and unremarkable look about him that just seems to invite you to smile, shake his hand, and perhaps leave your children under his care while you grab a smoke. Unfortunately, you tend to come back to him stroking your child’s hair and telling them to let mommy know everything will be alright.

Robert Fure as the MONSTROSITY

Look at those arms. Robert Fure could crush your head like a grape. Need I say more?

Rob Hunter as the DOPPELGANGER

If you just read Rob Hunter’s comments on various articles around FSR, you would think he hates everyone here. Or at least thinks they are all habitually wrong. But talking to the man through email and twitter gives quite a different picture. I imagine he surrounds his lovable, friendly literary center with a hard candy shell of blunt criticism. Sort of like a journalistic tootsie pop. I can also never remember his last name, so that helps him blend in well with the crowd.

Bethany Perryman as the SUCCUBUS

As FSR’s resident sex columnist, this was an obvious choice. I’m also pretty sure Ms. Perryman is obsessed with sex, even beyond what would be necessary for a gig as a sex columnist. How do I know? Well, I follow her on twitter, and there seems to be plenty of evidence supporting such a claim. Plus, she managed to put her feminine wiles to Neil Miller from halfway across the country and suck him into her sensual vortex. Now that’s power.

Kevin Carr as FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER

If Frankenstein’s Monster were real, I imagine he would look something like Kevin Carr. So instead of making Kevin wear a wig, I figure we will just make our version of the Monster bald with a sweet goatee. This man is also a machine, midnight-tweeting his way through horror movies every night this October. It’s that kind of devotion to a singular purpose that made Frankenstein’s Monster so endearing. You know, in a pursuit of education, hell-bent on revenge, and then running away to die sort of way.

Landon Palmer as the MAD SCIENTIST

This dude has mad intelligence. I mean, intimidating to the point of sadness intelligence. Have you read his column Culture Warrior? I have a pocket dictionary sitting on my desk just for that purpose. I call it my Palmer Dictionary, with its notes on film criticism written in the margins and the phrase “fuck that guy” scrawled across the cover. If there is one writer here at FSR whom I imagine looks like Dr. Horrible and goes to sleep at night thinking about diabolical plans to take over the world, it’s him.

Robert Levin as the VAMPIRE

Only a vampire has both the confidence in himself and his craft to mingle among the lesser souls in search of his prey. In my mind, this metaphor has something to do with Robert Levin writing for Film School Rejects after himself being a graduate of film school. Hey, it works for me.

Paul Sileo as the AXE MURDERER

What? You didn’t think I would give myself a part? That’s what all good movie makers do. And since I am the creator, I am going to give myself the badass part of the axe murderer. However, since I am also a huge nerd, I am going to be a duel-wielding axe murderer. With chainmail. And a dragon. I’d like to see you run from me now.

So, now we just need some financial backing. Any takers?

Additional Editor’s Note: We had intended to make some sweet Photoshop images for each of the characters listed above, using the faces of FSR staffers to create characters that would shake you to your collective core, but we failed miserably. Hopefully your imaginations can take over…

Oh, Bill. When I think I can’t love you any more, you go and say exactly what most of us have been thinking (And no, I don’t mean about Ghostbusters 2, though we have probably been thinking that for years as well).

Speaking with Britain’s Absolute Radio at the premiere for Fantastic Mr. Fox, Peter Venkman himself laid the skeptic’s gauntlet down on the rumors of a complete cast thumbs-up for the long-awaited third film in the Ghostbusters franchise. Though most of us have simultaneously felt elation and tentative fear over the announcement that this movie was seriously-really-for-sure-happenin’-I-swear-it, Mr. Murray comes right out and says it: There is no script. He isn’t completely onboard. And when there is a script, he will read it, and it must be good, or there will be none of his comedic mojo within.

Just days after Ivan Reitman confirmed his involvement in the film (though he says he doesn’t know if that will include directing or not), Bill drops this bomb on the production. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suspect the folks behind the scenes can’t be happy right now, since they have been attempting to crank up the hype machine for a few years now. But it is nice to get Bill’s opinion on it, because, let’s be honest, he is the one ghostbuster we all hoped would sign off and reprise his role. Don’t get me wrong, I want everyone to come back, but a movie without Bill Murray is a much harder sell to fans of the franchise, in my opinion.

Check out the full interview here:

So, there you have it. The script must rock or Dr. Peter Venkman ain’t bustin’. No matter how good it makes him feel.

What do you think?

There are few sure things in this world. We all know the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, the molecule for water is H20, and Tony Romo will somehow manage to ruin every one of my Sundays. In the world of film, there are even fewer sure things, but one can usually “put five on” the fact that any project J.J. Abrams is involved in will turn out fairly well – critically, commercially, or both. So when Mr. Abrams dropped the dirt over at Collider about Star Trek 2 and Mission Impossible: 4, you bet I stopped to read the roses. Or however that goes.

According to Abrams, he and the near-sentient cyborg ninjas that I assume surround him at all times are “hard at work” on both of these movies. It seems they are in the script-writing stage, so pretty much anything is still possible. Abrams refers to the alternate reality that was created in the first Star Trek as a very nice way to give them the freedom to do pretty much anything they want. He does imply that they don’t want to completely revamp the Trekiverse, but they do intend to explore it with a very different feel (which can be appreciated by both old and new fans alike). Not much of a surprise there, as that is pretty much what one could expect after seeing the first film.

He does, understandably, do a little dipping-and-dodging when the question comes up about his long-term involvement with the films. One can’t expect more than his “movie-to-movie” answer, but from the love I saw in the first movie, I think we can reasonably expect him to be involved for a decent while. And, of course, any interview mentioning Star Trek wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Leonard Nimoy. Will he? Won’t he? It’s a question for the ages. And though Nimoy has publicly stated that he doesn’t think they would need him for the next film, Abrams pretty much stated the exact opposite, saying, “I can’t imagine a Star Trek movie not needing him.” Indeed.

Those of you interested in MI:4, don’t fret. There’s a little bit in there for you, as well. Abrams doesn’t get into it as much as Star Trek, but he does drop a few little tidbits. It, like the second Trek film, is in the writing stage, but we don’t know much after that. Though it was seemingly said in jest, there may actually be a chance that Nimoy could shed his Spock ears for a gun in MI:4, resurrecting the character of Paris from the series. Wouldn’t that be something? I am all for Nimoy, no matter what he does, and “big ups” (as we say in my house) to him for hopping back into the mainstream film market.

So, how ‘bout them roses? They do smell sweet, that’s for sure.

With yet another wonderful addition, the cast for HBO’s adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones is shaping up to be quite impressive. Brought to my attention by the always-tenacious Winter-Is-Coming, in an exclusive reveal by television critic Maureen Ryan from the Chicago Tribune, it has been confirmed that Lena Headey, of 300 and The Sarah Connor Chronicles fame, will be portraying the queen everyone loves to hate—Cersei Lannister. She will be joining Peter Dinklage, Sean Bean, Mark Addy, Jennifer Ehle, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Tamzin Merchant, and Iain Glen, as well as a few lesser known and completely unknown actors in the pilot. There are also a few roles that have not been announced yet, including the unconfirmed but heavily rumored casting of Rory McCann as Sandor “The Hound” Clegane.

When it comes to producing quality television, HBO is so far above anyone else, that it’s almost laughable. Time and time again, they manage to bring together the right producers, directors, writers, and actors to create truly wonderful pieces of entertainment. And, with the cast of Game of Thrones, they seem to be once again bringing the mad skillz. Peter Dinklage and Sean Bean were complete fan favorites for their roles, but the others are out of varying degrees of left field. I can safely say, however, that each addition to the cast (with the possible exception of Merchant as Daenarys Targaryen) has just felt right. HBO could have a real winner on its hands, and considering both the source material and the level of quality we have come to expect from them, there is really no reason why they shouldn’t.

Filming of the pilot for Game of Thrones will begin October 26^th in Ireland.

Looks like my man Tommy Lee Jones just can’t stay away from the works of Cormac McCarthy. After starring in the Coen Brother’s adaptation of McCarthy’s novel No Country for Old Men (which, as we all know, won the Oscar for Best Picture) and himself adapting the novel Blood Meridian, Jones has set his sights on directing and starring in Sunset Limited, an adaptation of McCarthy’s play of the same name, for HBO. According to the folks over at Variety, Jones will be joined by badass motherfucker Samuel L. Jackson, whose character saves a man (Jones) from throwing himself in front of a subway. McCarthy’s script, which he adapted himself, follows the two very different men has they discuss their life’s worth in what I imagine to be a sort of existential pissing contest.

As a huge fan of McCarthy and Jones, I think this is one to keep on our radar. HBO is obviously known for quality productions, and I think Jones is a great choice to handle the type of story and environment McCarthy is known for. I loved Jones’ first feature film directorial outing The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, so I’m delighted to see him once again hopping behind the camera. He’s also one of my favorite actors, and the addition of Samuel L. Jackson just ups the acting ante, in my opinion. With any other pair and any other script, it would be easy to write off the seemingly cliché story of two men from different sides of the tracks debating the meaning of life, but McCarthy isn’t just any writer and both Jackson and Jones easily have the weight to anchor a solid character piece.

Production on Sunset Limited will begin next month in New Mexico.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. It’s been a long road, but finally, we have some big news about the pilot for HBO’s “Game of Thrones.” And what wonderful news it is! “Game of Thrones,” the adaptation of the first book of George R.R. Martin’s epic fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire, is being written and developed by D.B. Weiss and David Benioff (25^th Hour, Troy, The Kite Runner, X-Men Origins: Wolverine), and until now, all we’ve heard is that production starts in Ireland this fall. But, thanks to The Hollywood Reporter, we finally have some casting news. In a move that is sure to please a ton of fans, Peter Dinklage (The Station Agent, Death at a Funeral) is tapped to play Tyrion Lannister, the dwarf brother of the Queen. Also, in a bit of surprising news, Tom McCarthy (The Visitor, The Station Agent), will be directing the pilot.

According to the Reporter:

Based on George R.R. Martin’s best-selling “Songs of Fire and Ice” novels, “Thrones” is described as an epic struggle for power set in a vast and violent fantasy kingdom. Dinklage will play Tyrion, the Queen’s brother who is treated as an outsider because of his size.

I am a huge fan of these books, and when I heard a television series was being developed for HBO, I damn near died. Of course, there is the chance that it won’t be picked up, but I don’t even want to think about that. Dinklage has always been the fan-favorite for Tyrion, and it’s really nice to see that Wiess and Benioff managed to get him onboard. The surprising news here is Tom McCarthy coming in to direct the pilot. While he doesn’t have any television, fantasy, or action experience, the man can direct a nice dramatic character study. Both The Station Agent and The Visitor were wonderful films, and, for those who have read the books, it’s obvious that Martin’s style is just as much about plot and character as it is about action. These are both wonderful moves, and I can’t wait to hear more about the production as more casting is finalized and shooting begins!

It may seem inconceivable, but there are a large number of folks in the world who just don’t know anything about Star Trek. I know, I know-tough to believe. But, guess what? I’m one of these people. Yep, I know damn near next to nothing about Star Trek. However, being firmly incorporated into geek culture for a number of years, I’ve picked up tidbits here and there from fans of the franchise.

So now for all my fellow Star Trek virgins, I would like to present the top ten things that outsiders just don’t understand about Star Trek, with no prior research or attempt to correct my knowledge in the case that it’s utterly wrong. Beam me up, Frankie! Wait, that’s not it…

10. Tribbles

What the hell is a tribble? Besides having an awesome name that really rolls off the tongue, all I know about tribbles is what little information I’ve gathered while throwing a furry tribble toy back and forth across a room with a SuperTrekNerd friend of mine. I’ll be honest; the guy was pretty damn cute. He also made a really adorable little laugh whenever you shook him. So, needless to say, my one experience with a tribble was pleasant…until his batteries fell out.

9. “Beam me up, Scotty”

Yeah, yeah, I was joking earlier. Obviously, I’ve heard this one. I’m assuming this has something to do with a teleporter. And I guess Scotty is the man-with-the-plan when it comes to activating said teleporter. Where does this thing teleport you to? Anywhere you want? Do you have to pop up in another teleporter somewhere else? Where is “up”? Shouldn’t he/she/it be a little more specific?

8. Vulcan Death Grip

I had a lot of asshole friends growing up. I’m not sure if it was because I, myself, was an asshole, and we all just kind of stuck together, or if I was the wiener of the bunch and these dudes just wanted to be my friend so they could pick on me and feel better about themselves. Either way, some of these guys were real dicks. One day on the playground when I was around eight or nine, I guess, one of these guys comes up behind me and pinches the hell out of the area between my neck and shoulder. I turned around and was like, “What the fuck, dude?” To which he replied, “It was the Vulcan Death Grip! You’re dead now.” How rude. I wonder if doing and saying that on a playground nowadays would end with the cops showing up? Anyway, I must admit, I was and still am fairly impressed with the Vulcans’ insistence on subtle and completely annoying ways to kill someone.

7. Spock’s Appearance

We all know about Spock, even if we are far-removed from the series as a whole. When I was growing up, I would hear my parents bitching about Dr. Spock and how he was ruining the current generation of children, and I always thought they were talking about Spock from Star Trek. How Ol’ Pointy Ears was accomplishing this, I never understood, but I figured they were making a decent case if Spock was going around Death Gripping people. Of course, I got older and realized it was two different Spocks, so now I associate Spock with his ears and completely ridiculous chili bowl haircut and not the destruction of America’s youth. Seriously, in the entire galaxy, he couldn’t find a decent barber?

6. Patrick Stewart

I have only known Patrick Stewart for a few things. Growing up, he was merely that bald dude that played some guy in some movies. But now, he’s Charles Xavier and will always stand out as Professor X in my mind. Apparently, though, Mr. Stewart was quite well known as Picard on one of the Star Trek series back in the day. Was he on the same one as Kirk? I have no clue, but I like the idea of Patrick Stewart and William Shatner having a stare down followed by coffee and arguing about who will be more relevant in the years to come.

5. Enterprise

Ahh, the Enterprise. That big ass ship that is one of the most recognizable in entertainment history, I assume second only to the Millennium Falcon. I know nothing about the ship, other than the way it looks from the outside. Doesn’t it have warp speed capabilities? That’s a good thing to have. Oh, yeah, it also has some sort of teleporter, which Scotty is in charge of.

4. “Live long and prosper”

I was totally fucked up on this statement and gesture for many years. I’ve heard the saying and seen the world-famous V-finger thing that makes my hand cramp when I try it, but I never really associated the two together. Can you have one without the other? Are you supposed to do them at the same time? Is there the possibility of a Death Grip if the rules are broken? Really, it’s a pretty sweet gesture, but I wish it was a little easier on my hands. The saying, though? That is a damn nice thing to say to someone. I personally prefer Roland Deschain’s “Long days and pleasant nights,” but Star Trek has given me a decent alternative.

3. Klingons

These guys are in serious need of some cranial restructuring. I am, however, incredibly envious of their facial hair. When I think of Klingons, I think of some dark-skinned guy with an oddly shaped melon and Fu Man Chu moustache that always seemed to be pissed at someone. Am I getting this right? Also, my aforementioned SuperTrekNerd friend mentioned something about Klingons being enemies of the Tribbles. What the hell? How could anyone hate something as awesome as a Tribble?

2. William Shatner

Goddamn, I love William Shatner. I don’t know what it is, but he pretty much cracks me up every single time I see or hear him. If it were up to me, I would cast him in every movie made. My experience with him is limited to interviews, commercials, and the two Miss Congeniality movies, but this guy has almost unmentionable goods. Anyway, I digress. So Shatner played the Captain Kirk, who is probably the most well-known Trek character. For a lot of people, he will always be known as Captain James T. Kirk. To me, he’s the Negotiator from the Priceline.com commercials.

1. Trekkie Conventions

I mean, come on? How could this not be numero uno? These things have become the face of the Star Trek franchise, and they are pretty much the first thing I always associate with it. There is a fairly well-established hierarchy within geek culture, and for some reason, I always see Trekkies in the tier of “So Geeky It’s Almost Anti-Geek.” How did they end up down there? I’ll venture a guess and say that it’s probably because of these damn conventions. Come on, guys, I am about the biggest LotR fan alive, but I keep that shit in the closet. Sure, I have posters, tapestries, different versions of all the books, pretty much every book about Middle Earth ever written, and various other things, but I don’t flaunt it for all the world to see. That’s just for my wife and friends. But, you know, with the new movie coming out and the fact that it’s getting glowing reviews may change all that. Perhaps the reemergence of Trek has finally arrived? I guess we’ll have to see.

As for now, live long and prosper, my babies.

Artwork at the top courtesy of HeyYouGuys

The Big Lebowski (1998)

No, Walter, it did not look like Larry was about to crack.

Synopsis

A former author of the Port Huron Statement and original member of the Seattle Seven, Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges) becomes wrapped up in a case of mistaken identity when two thugs (one a Chinaman, though that’s not the issue here) break into his apartment looking for money owed by his “trophy wife.” Unfortunately, The Dude isn’t married, and when the thugs realize their mistake and vindictively soil his valued rug, The Dude, along with his bowling buddies Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) and Donny Kerabatsos (Steve Buscemi), are drawn into a mysterious course of events involving coitus, an amputated toe with nail polish, German nihilists, an amphibious rodent, and the son of the legendary Arthur Digby Sellers (who’s not exactly a lightweight), though all The Dude ever wanted was his rug back.

Why We Love It

I had originally intended to do a different movie this week, but, after leaving myself open to a “drive-by quoting” a few days ago when asking around about job opportunities, I decided that it was indeed time to give The Big Lebowski its due recognition in the Movies We Love spotlight (And, in case you are wondering, I inquired via Twitterbook about any leads on jobs in St. Louis, to which a friend informed me that he had to check with the boys down at the crime lab, and not only did he believe they had assigned four new detectives to the case, but there was also a high possibility they were now being required to work in shifts). Like most movies that will be featured here, I have a long history with The Big Lebowski. I remember a friend in high school turned to me in the locker room and declared that he would do unspeakable things to me for “a thousand dollars.” Needless to say, he successfully scrambled to stop me from dropping my shorts and gave his declaration of man-love a little context. The next day, I went out and rented The Big Lebowski, and here I sit, writing about one of my all-time favorite movies and feeling reassured that I no longer keep in contact with a guy that I almost exposed myself to. Thankfully, he was older than eight.

As with all Coen Brothers films, The Big Lebowski is very well-written, with memorable characters, great dialogue, and a keen eye for setting and environment. With Los Angeles during the early 1990′s (around the time of our conflict with Saddam and the Iraqis) as our background, we follow a few days in the life of our lovable antihero as he tries to unravel the complexities that begin to invade the comfortable world he has created around him. There are many things that make The Dude and his story so great, but one thing that gets me every time is how the pieces of the mystery fall into place as the story progresses without any real help from The Dude or his friends. Players in this game seek him out, mostly to The Dude’s annoyance, and only through a series of accidents is the mystery finally solved. But, really, solving or even understanding the mystery isn’t important in the scheme of things, and what the Coen Brothers really aim to showcase is the characters themselves. Think about how little screen time characters like Brandt (Phillip Seymour Hoffman), Jesus Quintana (John Turturro), and Jackie Treehorn (Ben Gazzara) get, but how memorable their contributions are to one’s memory of the film. What’s important here is how the characters interact with each other and react to the events in the story, not the actual story itself. One way they do this, and what I truly believe is the most important thing in this film, is an almost obsessive attention to the little details that make The Dude’s world come alive.

If I tried to bring your attention to all the wonderful little nuanced gestures, random bits of dialogue, and well-placed props, not only would this thing probably end up being about five hundred thousand words, but I would also set myself up for a barrage of emails and angry comments questioning my true love of this film because I didn’t mention “this” or didn’t notice “that.” Needless to say, there are a ton of things to find, and I’ve seen this film probably around a hundred times, and am still finding new things upon close viewings that I didn’t catch before (which may be because I tend to have so few close viewings of The Big Lebowski that don’t involve an over-consumption of White Russians). It was only three or four viewings ago that I noticed the police officer in The Dude’s apartment picking up a pipe shaped like a bowling pin and poking around in an ashtray on the coffee table. I think we can all guess what kind of ashes those were. Or a couple of years ago when I just caught, for the first time, The Dude’s line when he is looking down at the picture of the Knutsen family farm: “How ya gonna keep ‘em down on the farm once they’ve seen Karl Hungus?” And this movie is full of small things that will really reward the observant viewer. Hell, when I watched The Big Lebowski again last night for this article, I caught two new things. I’ll give you guys a few hints, as an incentive to watch this movie again right now. First, when The Dude comes home to a ransacked house, look to the far left of the screen and check out what’s lodged in the TV. And, second, after Brandt hands The Dude the ransom fax, watch Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s body language. Actually, watch his body language throughout the entire film, especially in scenes where he’s not supposed to be the focus of attention. And, if you want a real treat, I highly recommend watching The Big Lebowski again with the subtitles on. No matter how many times you’ve seen it, I guarantee you’ll pick up something said in passing, in the background, or mumbled as a character leaves or enters a scene that is absolutely hilarious.

But, really, one of the greatest things about The Big Lebowski is the culture that surrounds it. As any film lover will tell you (and myself included), there is nothing quite like the horror of seeing a good movie being inevitably ruined by its overzealous fans as it passes out of the mainstream. We’ve all seen it. I love “The Chappelle Show” as much as the next dude in his mid-twenties, but, for fucksake, it’s all I can do to keep from strong-armin’ a ho when I hear someone yell, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” The same things happened with Napoleon Dynamite, Borat, and pretty much all of Will Ferrell’s movies, to name a few. So, why then, eleven years after its release, do I still quote and openly welcome quoting from friends and strangers of The Big Lebowski? Honestly, I’m not really sure why quotes from TBL will automatically distinguish someone I don’t know as someone I suddenly have a vested interest in, but it seems to be that way everywhere, and not just in my group of friends. I’m sure there are people out there who hate quotes from The Big Lebowski as much as any other film, but I will go ahead and say they are probably fascists and should be ignored (and stay away from their beach communities, especially if you have a jerkoff face or name). And it’s not just the quoting. If you haven’t been invited to a round of bowling with Creedence blaring over the speakers or a screening of the film with a crucial emphasis on White Russians, then not only do you probably not have any friends, but the Germans might very well be coming to cut your dick off. But don’t be scared off, it’s really a loving culture, ready to embrace any new lover of the film; just as long as you give a shit about the rules (I could really go all night!). And if that’s not enough, fans of The Big Lebowski even have their own festival. Let me go on the record and say that I am fucking there as soon as there is one remotely close to where I live. I also really want the “Abide” shirt. Say what you want, but that thing is epic.

Moment We Fell In Love

Man, how do I choose one moment that really stands out above the rest? It’s a tough job, because any scene could be noted, and has, by all the people whom I know as fans of the film. There are a few scenes that tend to draw a lot of votes, such as the first scene in the bowling alley, the scene in the Big Lebowski’s office, Jesus Quintana’s introduction, or the fight with the nihilists, but I’ve literally heard damn near every scene cited as a personal favorite by someone. Maybe I’ve never really thought of this before, but this seems to be one of the few movies I can think of that suffers from this sort of interesting quality. I guess if I had to narrow it down, I would say the closing scene of the introduction, right before credits. There is just something about the way The Dude looks sitting on the toilet, soaking wet and hair dripping on the floor, as he stares at the camera through his shades and seems to be thinking, “Fuck, man.” Every time I watch it, this shot earns a big-ass grin as I think about just what’s in store for The Dude.

Final Thoughts

I guess it’s confession time. To be honest, I didn’t love this film the first time I saw it. Liked it, but didn’t love it. It took maybe around three to four viewings before it finally clicked, and I went, “Holy shit, why didn’t I realize before how much this movie rocks?” I think the answer lies in my point earlier about the little details that make up this story. On a first, second, or even third viewing, it’s easy to miss those things. If you stripped The Big Lebowski of all the little things, like attention to detail in the environment, nuanced characters, and the Coen Brothers’ great dialogue, then you’ve stripped away the charm of this movie and are really left with few things worth noting. But if you are willing to give The Big Lebowski a chance, over multiple viewings, and invest a little thought in it, I promise that you won’t be disappointed. The magic in this film really lies in the details, and though it may be easy to enjoy it at face value, there is just so much more to appreciate if one will pay a little attention. So don your favorite robe, mix yourself one hell of a Caucasian, do a J, and get ready to join The Dude on a mystical adventure through the streets of Los Angeles. But be careful, because I will not abide another toe.

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Gremlins (1984)

They’re watching Snow White. And they love it.

Synopsis

The world’s worst inventor, and possibly its worst dad as well, Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton) comes across an interesting little animal, called a mogwai, in an old antique shop in Chinatown when trying to sell useless junk to its adorable old Chinese owner (Keye Luke). Despite the warnings of the responsibility required to care for it, plus the needed adherence to some of the most scientifically ludicrous rules imaginable, Randall believes the mogwai would be a perfect Christmas present for his son Billy (Zach Galligan). After predictably smashing the rules to pieces, Billy teams up with his love interest Kate (Phoebe Cates) to save a small town from the dangerously mischievous, and completely misunderstood, result of his negligence.

Why We Love It

I have a long history with Gremlins. This is the film that singlehandedly dominated my nightmares and pretty much created all the fear I had of the dark from about ages five through ten. Hell, I’m still scared of the dark. Both my parents worked, so I had to go to daycare during the years prior to starting school and one completely incompetent worker there decided it was okay to show a bunch of five year olds a movie about devilish little monsters. Not only is the film pretty damn violent and terrorizing for children that age, but it also ends with a warning about turning on the lights, checking the cupboards and closets, and looking under your bed if shit starts going down in your house, because there just might be gremlins rollin’ through. What the hell? How am I supposed to sleep after that? “Hey, kids, sleep tight, but you know that noise in your room? Yeah, that may be a gremlin poised to LAUGH MANIACALLY WHILE RIPPING YOUR FACE OFF!” Ehhhhhhhh.

You may be thinking, “Well, if this movie pretty much ruined your childhood, why are you writing about it for Movies We Love?” Easy: because this movie is awesome. It may not have been awesome at five, but it’s definitely awesome at twenty-five. The moments that scared me shitless then make me laugh uncontrollably now. This is a wonderful script, filled with delightfully dark humor, inspired execution of a story rooted in classic myth, and some of the most hilarious, and, as I said, misunderstood movie villains of all time. You have to love a movie where an animal has rules like: 1. Keep him away from bright lights, sunlight will kill him, 2. Don’t get him wet, and 3. Never feed him after midnight. I am going to ignore the glaring scientific logic behind rules like this (as well as the time conundrum), because, let’s be honest, this is a story with very apparent mythic elements and though it’s easy to question, realism is boring and certainly not applicable here. Chris Columbus (the writer/director, not the explorer) knocked this one out of the park, in my opinion, even if his script went through numerous rewrites and a toning down of some of the more violent elements. As we all know, what Steven Spielberg wants, Steven Spielberg gets.

Let me be clear here. I love Gizmo. He’s adorable, sweet, and a wicked good racecar driver. But, honestly, Gremlins doesn’t really bring the awesome until after his hydro-spawn’s metamorphosis. The first part of the film does a good job setting us up, but it’s all about the gremlins. Once they are unleashed, the hilarity begins. And what hilarity it is. I love this film’s dark humor, and it’s easily the best part of the experience. We have gremlins getting blown up in a microwave, sabotaging cars, rewiring an electric assistance chair to send an old lady flying out a window (which gets me every damn time), getting trashed in a bar, flashing pretty bartenders, playing poker, and giving a resounding rendition of part of the iconic song from Snow White. And these are just some of their antics. Personally, I would have liked to see more of them, but I can understand how the filmmakers seemed to want to keep them fairly mystical for most of the film before completely cutting them loose. With more, it may have felt saturated and taken the story to a new level of over-the-top, sort of like what we saw in Gremlins 2. While a fun ride, it’s not nearly as good as the first.

One thing that makes this movie so successful is that it’s set up like a typical creature feature horror flick, following many of the genre’s conventions in the first half of the film (correct me if I’m wrong, Mr. Fure). After the gremlins are spawned, though, the movie’s tone begins to shift to a more humorous take on these little creatures, before going full-blown comedy in the bar scene and theater scene. Then, at the end, we shift back and have a final showdown between Billy and Stripe, the leader of the gremlins, that is reminiscent once again of horror. These tone shifts keep the movie interesting, and once the comedy blooms, it’s an almost unexpected turn for a first-time viewer, and an eagerly anticipated treat for the longtime fan.

I want to take a moment to talk about the actual gremlins. As you may have noticed, I called them misunderstood movie villains. You are entitled to your opinion (even if it’s wrong), but I don’t think they are evil. A bit careless? Yes. Mischievous? Yes. Could perhaps make a better first impression? Definitely. But evil? Naw. Think about these guys for a second. All they really want to do is have a good time. Can you blame them? Anyone who has been a teenager or gone to college understands the idea that one has to really make their own fun sometimes. The gremlins hatch in a boring little town on Christmas. What else are they supposed to do? Even their antics that one may call “horrible” aren’t really that bad. One kills a science teacher. Not only did the teacher stick the poor guy with a needle, but this teacher is obviously more malevolent than even the gremlins. What kind of high school science teacher stays at school and does experiments in the dark until 2am? This guy was a threat to our children. And the ones encountered by Billy’s mom? Hell, they just wanted to eat Christmas cookies and play with toys, before being rudely chopped up, stabbed, nuked in a microwave, and decapitated. And finally, what normal individual doesn’t like to get a little drunk and watch Disney movies? Well, how would you feel if you got BLOWN THE FUCK UP at the theater? Jesus, the hazard pay for being a gremlin must be wonderful, otherwise these mogwai would have just stopped eating altogether (let alone after midnight) long ago.

Moment We Fell In Love

There are a lot of things to love about Gremlins, and it’s easy to fall in love when Gizmo is introduced, the mogwai children are born, the gremlins are finally created, or when Mrs. Deagle (Polly Holliday) finally gets what’s coming to her and takes a brilliant trip out the window. But the scenes that make this movie for me are, as I’ve sure you have guessed, the bar and the theater. In the bar, the gremlins are finally unleashed in all their comic glory. They drink copious amounts of beer, smoke cigarettes, play poker, arcade games, and darts, swing around on a ceiling fan, and sing bar songs. One gremlin even dons a trench coat and dark sunglasses and, I suspect after reading a biography on Neil Miller, rips it open in front of Kate, flashing her and showing off his gremlin gibblies (which are suspiciously absent).

But as much as I love it, the bar scene is nothing compared to the theater. I don’t know why, but seeing all those gremlins in the theater, accessorized with popcorn bags, candy boxes, and even a pair of Mickey Mouse ears, singing their damn hearts out along with the dwarfs in Snow White just gets me every time. I can’t hear someone obnoxiously quote, “Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it’s off to work we go” without instantly thinking about Gremlins. For an added bonus, check out some of the gremlins with popcorn tubs on their heads mixed in with the hoard that chases Billy and Kate as they try to escape the theater. Really, it’s these kinds of little touches that take this movie to another level for the observant viewer. Plus, anyone who tries to say they haven’t considered cutting eye holes into a popcorn tub and putting it on their heads is a damn liar.

Final Thoughts

If you’re looking for a fun flick that is always entertaining no matter how many times you’ve seen it, then Gremlins is for you. It has everything one needs for a drunken night with friends-action, comedy, horror, and mythical Chinese animals that turn into little green monsters when fed after midnight. I can’t imagine a better combo. Before throwing it in the DVD player, however, do yourself a favor. Turn on all the lights. Check all the cupboards, drag your shit out from under the beds, and open the closets. Fine. Laugh if you want, but you can’t blame me if during the Snow White scene you happen to catch a glimpse of little green claws reaching around the edge of the couch.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Read More: Movies We Love

We love movies…a lot. In fact, I would bet that if you gave the writers of Film School Rejects a choice between taking a leisurely cruise on a boat filled with women in bikinis and/or men flaunting banana hammocks or spending a day locked in a theater with some of the best movies of all-time, nine out of ten times we would choose the theater, with number ten being someone who simply just got lost on the way to the theater and wandered onto the boat by accident. So it really comes as no surprise that we really need a column around here that expresses our deep, primal, almost creepy passion for movies. And by creepy I mean making out with DVD cases. Yes, I know that if you open and turn them horizontal they kind of look like a giant mouth, but that’s no excuse. You know who you are. I’m not naming any names. Without compensation, of course.

Without further ado, Film School Rejects would like to present the Movies We Love series. These are movies that represent to us everything that makes movies awesome. You will find box office successes and failures, critical darlings and turds, films long forgotten, cultural icons, and stuff you’d find in the dollar bin at Wal-mart. This is a celebration of the films that had a profound influence on us as movie writers, critics, and DVD-case French-kissers. You have been warned.

Short Circuit (1986)

An adorable military robot with a frikkin’ sweet laser, codenamed S.A.I.N.T. FIVE (voiced by Tim Blaney), is punished by God for his destructive ways with a lightning bolt to the melon following a government demonstration. Malfunctioning, Number-Five manages to escape Nova Robotics and winds up in the home of Stephanie Speck (Ally Sheedy) where he begins to believe that he isn’t just a robot, but actually a sentient being. Chasing him are the two engineers that designed him, Newton Crosby (Steve Guttenberg) and Ben Jabituya (Fisher Stevens), as well as the head of security at Nova, Skroeder (G.W. Bailey), who wants nothing more than to destroy him.

Why We Love It

I picked Short Circuit up a few weeks ago to prepare for Movies We Love, and I realized very quickly that this wasn’t the same movie I fell in love with when I was eight. Then, I mostly loved Number-Five’s animated dialogue and cutesy behavior, along with some of the more slapstick comedy, such as when Number-Five reprograms a few robots sent to capture him to mimic a very recognizable trio from a television show Number-Five had encountered while staying with Stephanie Speck. In fact, I remember one particular Christmas where, after my dad had so kindly put together one of my new toys, I ran around the house yelling, to quote the iconic line from the film, “DISSASSEMBLE? NO DISSASSEMBLE!” Yeah, I was kind of an asshole, and here I always wondered why my dad drank so much eggnog at Christmas (Hint: that deep tan color isn’t achieved by cinnamon and nutmeg, kids).

This time, however, it was the witty and hilarious banter between Newton Crosby and Ben Jabituya that won me over at the beginning of the movie. When we first meet these two, Jabituya is sent by his boss to bring Crosby out to socialize with the military professionals interested in meeting the engineer responsible for designing these robotic weapons. The dialogue here is great, and really just a precursor to great dialogue (especially from Jabituya) for the rest of the film. I didn’t get most of it when I was younger, so I highly recommend checking this movie out again now if you haven’t seen it in years. One example being when Jabituya says, “I am sporting a tremendous woody.” Effective, hilarious, and completely overlooked by an eight-year-old.

It’s Number-Five’s antics, however, that really fuel this movie. From the moment we meet him, he gets himself into one hilarious situation after another, always making us laugh with his naiveté and comically literal view of the world. Once he finally meets Stephanie, Number-Five is given the chance to drink in our culture when in search of “input.” He reads dictionaries and watches a ton of television, and since this becomes his basis for reacting to our world, we are treated to him doing things like dancing to Saturday Night Fever, quoting George Raft from the 1932 film Scarface and John Wayne, and developing a practical appreciation for the Three Stooges.

Number-Five’s dialogue is good, but what makes his character work is the amazing puppeteering by Tim Blaney, who also does his voice. Number-Five’s expressions are the key to loving his character. We begin to feel and appreciate him as a living entity, not simply a puppet, in terms of props, or a robot, plot-wise. His emotional expression gives him charisma, which makes him able to connect with the audience. Perhaps you recall another robot who accomplished that recently? Notice whom he looks like?

The Moment We Fell In Love

One of the most memorable scenes involves Number-Five jumping like a grasshopper as he follows one across Stephanie’s lawn. Unfortunately, the grasshopper stops, and Number-Five keeps jumping, landing on top and killing it. He does not understand why the grasshopper cannot simply be reassembled, and Stephanie gives Number-Five his first lesson on death. It’s a moment that may be easy to overlook because of the humor immediately preceding and following it, but make no mistake—it’s a beautifully poignant scene and one of the best in the film.

Final Thoughts

There is so much to love about Short Circuit. Johnny-Five is just the kind of robot a young kid wants to have as a best friend—funny, nice, helpful, and sportin’ a wicked laser. There is also plenty here for us to come back to years later, with witty dialogue, interesting situations, and even cerebral ruminations on what exactly it means to be alive, if that’s your thing. This is an entertaining movie that may not look like much on the surface, but if given the chance, manages not only to make us laugh out loud but also tug on a few heart strings. As one character so eloquently puts it, “Life is a not a malfunction.” Damn straight, and through his malfunction, Number-Five (later taking the name Johnny-Five) anchors a film that takes us on an enjoyable ride through the exploration of life and how we, as humans, define it. Short Circuit is one of the quintessential movies of our childhood, and we hope that maybe you are a little closer to understanding just why it’s a movie we love.

I’m not usually one for spin-offs. Whether it be from a book, television show, movie, or really any other medium, spin-offs tend to be entirely unnecessary and almost universally awful (Why does Joey keep popping into my mind? I never watched that show or Friends. Maybe it’s because I had an old roommate who was obsessed with it. Yeah, Kris, I’m looking at you). Anyway, spin-offs pretty much equal terrible, and I’m fairly convinced they are so bad that if Uwe Boll directed a spin-off then the world would explode on itself and we would all spin… off… into space. Wow.

So, if I think spin-offs are so bad, why then do I feel so damn excited about the supposed spin-off of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, entitled Get Him to the Greek? I guess it’s because it will focus on Russell Brand‘s character Aldous Snow, and though I enjoyed the movie and every shot of Jason Segel’s naughty bits (maybe a bit too much. Alright, stop me now), I thought Brand was the best character and certainly the most fun to watch. If the writers can capture his appeal from Marshall then I think we may have a pretty damn funny movie on our hands. Let’s just hope that Snow didn’t work so well in Marshall because of his movement in and out of the story but when given his own movie, he only manages to irritate the hell out of us.

Joining Brand will be Jonah Hill, who is charged with getting a drug-addicted and zany Snow to a show in Los Angeles, and Emily Blunt, playing a pop musician that I can only assume will be Snow’s love interest. I enjoy Hill and Blunt just as much as Brand, so if the producers can score some strong writing, this may not only be a comedy to get excited about but also a spin-off that doesn’t make me want to vomit in my mouth a little.

Say what you want about Zack Snyder, but he is a hot commodity these days. After his success with Dawn of the Dead and 300, Snyder tackled what has been considered by many to be an “unfilmable” graphic novel and, according to the reviews (such as our own Robert Fure’s here), he did about the best job anyone could have with the source material. Danny Boyle may be the man of the hour with Slumdog Millionaire coming off a darling night at the Oscars, but Snyder is the Tabasco on the scrambled eggs for those who love the “action film with style” sub-genre (did I just try to legitimately use the term sub-genre?). Those varied slow-motion to fast-motion shots may start getting old, but you have to give the guy credit for his knack for “coolness.” Hell, he made an action film that my fiancée didn’t hate. If nothing else, he gets points for that.

Next up for Snyder, according to the folks over at EW.com, is a film called Sucker Punch, which is based on an original script of his and is slated to begin production in the fall. It is described as a “1960s-based action fantasy” that follows the character of Baby Doll, a young woman locked up in an insane asylum who passes her crazy-time by fantasizing about escaping with the help of her imagination-enriched fellow detainees. Snyder, who must be looking to score some points with Judith Butler, is working to assemble an all-female cast, as he “already did the all-male cast with 300, so I’m doing the opposite end of the spectrum.” According to sources, Amanda Seyfried is in talks to play Baby Doll, while offers have been handed out to other young actresses like Vanessa Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Evan Rachel Wood, and Emma Stone to fill the other roles. Sounds like a good time, or at least an excuse to watch a film with some of the pretty up-and-coming actresses in Hollywood.

How does the cast of Sucker Punch make you feel?

I have no problem with being biased, so I’ll say it-I love Judd Apatow, and I refuse to apologize for it. Since the days of Freaks and Geeks, I’ve followed and enjoyed everything with his stamp, and say what you will, but I loved every minute of it (to varying degrees, of course). Maybe it’s because I’m an awkward foul-mouthed geek myself? Who knows. But I truly feel like the Apatow School of Comedy manages to capture the real theme of raw comedic human interaction. I think this brand of comedy manages to walk a fine line, one where the characters are entertaining enough to want to watch on-screen, but also real enough where they don’t move into the realm of  Laughable Eyebrow-Raisers (I’m looking at you, Juno). I mean, who hasn’t helped a seemingly hopeless friend get a girl, cheered on a buddy who is dealing with a life-changing event, or felt bad enough to hang out with your drug dealer for a little bit because he just seems to need the company (but also because he has the best shit in town)? That’s real life, folks, and everybody needs a friend.

So, if you love Apatow and his usual suspects as much as I do, your prayers have been answered. Which prayers? Why, the ones where you get to see them half-naked, of course, courtesy of the fine people at Vanity Fair. Titled “Comedy’s New Legends,” this gallery (below) features some beautifully-inspired photography of whom VF considers to be the important cultural heroes of contemporary comedy, with a brief discussion of how and why they have attained that status. Apatow’s crew is a large part, but veterans of SNL are also heavily represented. Flipping through the pictures, we see one of Russell Brand as Chaplin, Will Arnett about to shoot first, Paul Rudd doing a very convincing Gene Wilder, and Seth Rogen as an absolutely terrifying Frida, as well as shots of Danny McBride, Bill Hader, Leslie Mann, Jason Bateman, Anna Faris, Jonah Hill, Amy Poehler, and Jason Segel.

I’ve already admitted my love for the Apatow crew, but what about the others? Jason Bateman and Will Arnett get points for being in possibly the greatest television comedy of all time, while Anna Faris did a great job in Lost in Translation (though I never was a fan of the Scary Movie franchise). I’ve always found Bill Hader hit or miss, but Amy Poehler seems to be pretty consistent  (at least on SNL).

So, interesting and creative photography aside, what do you think of this list? Any glaring omissions?

You know, everyone gets all excited about the Oscars every year, but really, isn’t it all just so boring? Once again, the show confirmed that it’s fairly easy to pick all the winners months in advance, with even our own Grand Poobah Neil Miller scoring a perfect 100% in the office pool (which I suspect was rigged since the score sheet I was given had Space Chimps as a contender for Best Picture). So what is the answer to such banality? Why, the Razzies, of course!

Every year the Golden Raspberries delight in a way that the Oscars can only dream about. I mean, sure, we all saw Slumdog Millionaire as a lock for Best Picture, but with Hollywood churning out so many real turds each year, being awarded the Razzie for Worst Picture is a real honor. Hell, you have to beat out 95% of the films released in a year. Now that is quite the accomplishment. So go read the Rejects’ Oscar coverage, Robert Fure’s Oscars-inspired Boiling Point, or Cole Abaius’ 14 Things We Learned From The Oscars, if you are so inclined. I’m sure those guys thought they were really important writing it all up from the bow of their stupid little boat with those bikini girls they cherish so much. In the meantime, I will give ya’ll the scoop from the real awards: the motherfucking Razzies.

Worst Career Achievement – Uwe Boll

What a way to begin, with a man near and dear to my heart. The name Uwe Boll has become synonymous with two things: absolutely horrendous video game adaptations and someone who, after being criticized, challenged a critic to a boxing match and promptly knocked him the fuck out. I’m not worried though, because I have nothing but love for Mr. Boll. Well, that’s a lie, but I am smart enough to not accept a boxing challenge from this scary motherfucker. The Razzies ruined his life? Great, now he’s even scarier, because he’s been backed into a creative corner!

Worst Screenplay – The Love Guru (Mike Myers and Graham Gordy)

The Love Guru, as you will see, was this year’s darling at the Razzies. The Golden Raspberry Award Foundation loves a rags-to-riches story just as much as the Academy, so it’s no surprise they fell in love with The Love Guru. And why not? Mike Myers is charmingly terrible, Jessica Alba is sexy and unimpressive, and Justin Timberlake prances around with an expertly laid out package. It’s enough to make one stand up and cheer…when the film was over.

Worst Director – Uwe Boll (1968: Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal)

Are we surprised? Uwe can put out more trash in a year than a questionable Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn. What I want to know is how he talks some of these actors into appearing in his movies. It can’t all be for a payday. Do a commercial, do an animated film, do something other than being in one of Boll’s movies. Don’t these people have agents or managers?

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Who says the Razzies don’t have drama? This one took me completely by surprise. It’s not every day that Steven Spielberg is honored with a Razzie, and I’m not sure he deserved this one. Was the new Indie really worse than Disaster Movie or Speed Racer? I think this may be one for the books. Disaster Movie totally got robbed on this one, and I will be starting up an internet campaign shortly to let the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation know of my disappointment.

Worst Screen Couple – Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore (The Hottie and the Nottie)

Now this is awkward. Who gets to accept the award with Paris? Do all three of them go up there? I can only imagine that conversation. “Our relationship was totally worse.” “Wow, no fucking way, I actually had to kiss her, with the real threat of some sort of viral transmission.” It’s really a “lose/lose” situation, folks. Hey, maybe the acceptance speech will turn into a Miller Lite commercial and people’s clothes will get ripped off. Well, everyone except the dude’s, of course.

Worst Supporting Actor – Pierce Brosnan (Mamma Mia!)

Oh, Pierce. You were so delightfully funny in The Matador. And you were James Bond, for fuck’s sake. How did it ever come to this?

Worst Supporting Actress – Paris Hilton (Repo: The Genetic Opera)

Score number two for Paris tonight! I didn’t get the chance to see Repo this year, but from what I hear, it wasn’t bad. So I can only assume Paris was honored because she was a vortex of shit in an otherwise decent movie. Perhaps every time she came onscreen all the emotion, creativity, and intelligence just sort of gravitated toward her and was destroyed, kind of like a black hole. (Note: I refrained from making a sex tape joke here, so you should do the same)

Worst Actress – Paris Hilton (The Hottie and the Nottie)

An acting category sweep! Bet you can’t boast about that, Academy, and if you can, well then I apologize because I am too lazy to go look it up. Paris has had quite the couple of years. Though I doubt the honor of such a wonderful showing at the Razzies really equals her street cred from that time in the slammer. Am I the only one who thought she looked like a vengeful psychopathic serial killer in that mug shot? Maybe it was just bad acting.

Worst Actor – Mike Myers (The Love Guru)

Mike should be really proud of himself this year. Beating out both Eddie Murphy and Larry the Cable Guy? That doesn’t just take shitty acting. That takes a real commitment to rolling around in manure and squishing it between your toes before every take. Maybe it’s time to hang it up, Myers?

Worst Picture – The Love Guru

Let me show you the nominees so you can see just how terrible The Love Guru had to be to take this award: Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans (a joint nominee), The Happening, The Hottie and the Nottie, and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Wow, I started passing wallpaper-peeling flatulent just typing out that list. It’s a collection of movies so powerfully shitty that my own small intestine began to spasm uncontrollably. This is exactly why the Razzies are so superior to the Oscars. Because let’s be honest, any movie in that list could have taken the Worst Picture award. It left me on the edge of my seat, and the Oscars haven’t done that since Shakespeare in Love won Best Picture, and only then because I dropped my bottle opener under the couch and had to scoot forward a bit to retrieve it.

And there you have it, folks. The 29^th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and check my underwear.