With the riveting news that Peter Berg is hopping off Dune and with Paramount’s search for a new director come the names Neill Blomkamp and Neil Marshall being tossed around. Clearly, Paramount is contractually obligated to hire a director named Neil (which explains why Berg probably left).

However, we here at FSR are never content with the obvious. Instead, we’d like to throw out a few directorial talents we think could turn the new adaptation of Dune and make it something special. Hopefully, a few of the names will surprise, and you should be warned that we haven’t consulted the Bene Gesserit with any of these names.

So here they are, in no particular order:

7. Martin Campbell

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, Campbell blew everyone away with Casino Royale. So much so that he nabbed the job directing Green Lantern, and people still don’t realize he directed GoldenEye. He’s got an eye for darkness within humanity and pulling every ounce of that from his characters, and it would be excellent to see him play around with a character who can see past, present, and future at will.

6. Duncan Jones

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, Jones rose to geek prominence with Moon this year, and judging by his ability to create an epic-feeling moonscape with pocket change, it might just be magical to see the universe if he’s given a much larger paycheck. The downside? Jones would have to work with more than one actor. The upside? His entire filmography would rhyme.

5. Ridley Scott

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, Scott was actually originally attached to Dune back in 1979 during the development hell the flick was going through. I full recognize that Scott has a few missteps in his catalog, but the man brought the science fiction masterworks Alien and Blade Runner to the world as well as the politically propelled storyline of betrayal and corruption with Gladiator. If the man’s full talent was on target, it could be the film that finally won him an Oscar for Best Director, and we’d get a damned fine film.

4. Kathryn Bigelow

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, Bigelow has an eye for action and has already been to the desert once this year with The Hurt Locker (which, yes, I will continue to praise to the hilltops). It could be argued that she hasn’t tackled plots as intricately woven in her career yet, but she has an incredible eye for character and doesn’t mind getting a little sand in her boots.

3. Tom McCarthy

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, and despite you tilting your head to the side and asking, “Who’s Tom McCarthy?” this guy has done a ton of work. As an actor. But beyond memorable roles in “The Wire” and Flags of Our Fathers, McCarthy also wrote and directed the beautiful The Visitor. Plus, he’s helming the pilot for “Game of Thrones,” an adaptation of George R.R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire” epic fantasy series involving kings, queens, knights, and a bunch of battling for a powerful chair. As an actor, turned television/film director, he’s sort of already like Peter Berg, and although he hasn’t been tested with the size budget this flick would require, isn’t that part of the fun?

2. Neill Blomkamp

The Pitch: First of all, his name is Neill. Second of all, yeah, sure, okay, he’s made a phenomenal first film (and theoretically could bring along Peter Jackson as a producer. A Peter Jackson-produced Dune. Geek out on that) and has shown with District 9 he has a keen understanding of sci-fi and interpersonal relations.

1. Steven Soderbergh

The Pitch: Despite not being named Neil, it is our firm belief that you don’t necessarily need an epic filmmaker to direct Dune. You get a director who has mastered character and story, and then get them a great cinematographer. With Soderbergh, you get both. Plus, being one of the most diverse directors working today, he seems like the type that would be game for diving deep into a world that needs serious commitment. We only hope that he’d write a script and hire professional actors, although a mumblecore-style Dune might be the strangest thing we’ve seen in years.

Bonus: Alan Smithee

The Pitch: Did you know there’s already a version of Dune out there directed by Alan Smithee? Plus, the guy is incredibly prolific. (Just kidding. We know he’s fake).

Editor’s note: This list was lovingly brainstormed by Robert Fure, Paul Sileo and Cole Abaius.

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Fantastic Fest is officially over. While the occasional moviegoer is still drunkenly stumbling through the streets of Austin and sleeping on the couch of Reject HQ, almost everyone has returned to the boring normalcy of their daily lives. The unsung heroes of Fantastic Fest are not the programmers, the professional bowlers, or those who wore sumo diapers — they are the ladies.

Lovingly dubbed the “Fantastic Fest Widows,” these women worked, cooked, cleaned, and put up with a week or so of drunken debauchery and drooling rabid movie lovers crashing thither and nigh on their couches and floors. Some of these ladies even participated in the madness. We caught up with several of these “widows” – the wives, girlfriends, and lovers of those who make Fantastic Fest just that — and, naturally, we had several questions.

So, take a look behind the festival, and check out what Victoria, Toni, Bethany and Christine had to say:

1. Tell me a little bit about your experience with Fantastic Fest.

Christine: I still have to work so I can’t see daytime during the week or stay out late, but I am able to see many of the movies with my husband, Peter.

Victoria: Adam has attended FF for the last 3 or 4 years. I can’t remember the exact number of years. I am happy that he gets to spend a week doing what he loves and hanging out with friends who love it just as much as he does.

Toni: I’m a seasoned veteran of the Widowhood.  This is actually the third Fantastic Fest Brian has attended, but the first in which I had the foresight (and friends) to make a deal out of it for myself.

Bethany: This is my first experience with Fantastic Fest. My boyfriend is a full-time film journalist; this is part of his job. So far, we’ve had lots of press members from various parts of the country crashing with us, eating my cooking, watching movies and writing. I’ve made several new friends, and have really been able to watch a lot of these guys and gals in action, doing what they love.

2. How important is Fantastic Fest to your partner? To you?

Victoria: FF is very important to Adam. He looks forward to it all year long. It is like his adult version of a week long Christmas. I appreciate and understand his passion for the festival.

Toni: Fantastic Fest is, literally, the reason we moved to Austin.  Brian has two weeks vacation time, and he makes well sure that he’s got Fantastic Fest off before he even considers  time off for Christmas.  Its importance to me is based solely on how happy it makes Brian.  I just don’t have the requisite patience/temperament/fortitude to watch movies that may or may not be good, all day for 8 days straight and also not sleep.

Bethany: Next to Sundance, Fantastic Fest seems to be my boyfriend’s favorite festival of the year. It’s highly important to him, and it’s important to me to be encouraging of that. These festivals are like marathons, and I can already tell that he’s going to be both exhausted and invigorated by the end. I get to go to some of the events and several press screenings, so to me it’s mostly just fun.

3. Do you want to go to Fantastic Fest? What screenings/events would you like to participate in?

Christine: I’m excited about the Fantastic Feud and seeing the Highball open. I mean, seriously, I’m so much more excited about the socializing aspect of the fest than the actual movies.

Victoria: I do not personally have the desire to attend FF. I would not be able to make it through the many hours of movies, and having to watch all of the movies in movie chair. When I watch movies I like being able to lie out and stretch my legs. I do think the parties and get togethers would be fun especially at the new Highball.

Toni: No.  I popped my Fantastic Fest cherry last night with the first night film, Gentlemen Broncos, and I wish I’d waited until we’d gotten to know each other first. It…it took advantage of me.

Bethany: I’ll go next year. I attended a few parties and screenings this year. I think the most memorable was a midnight showing of a 1986 Japanese pink film called S&M Hunter with all the Rejects guys. The Zombieland press screening was fun, too. Oh, and the Highball!

4. Fill in the blank: If ______________ (type of) movies were showing at Fantastic Fest, I would love to go!

Christine: Cirque du Freak and the Toy Stories. Ha, I’m a nerd.

Victoria: Even if the festival screened different types of movies, I still would not attend. I wouldn’t be able to hang long enough for me to get my money’s worth.

Toni: Nature Documentaries.  I love specific movies from all genres — including previous Fantastic Fest films — but my tastes are so hit and miss that I wouldn’t feel justified in buying a badge if it turns out that I love 4 movies and like another 6 out of 50.

Bethany: This isn’t really a fair question for me. I like that they show a lot of horror flicks and foreign stuff. The short films and sexploitation looks interesting to me, too. Show more noir, and I’m there.

5. What will you do with all this free time?

Victoria: I get to visit friends, get some cleaning done, run all of the errands I have been putting off.

Toni: Take full and absolute control of the living room.  I’m building a fort tonight, partying tomorrow night and filling it with playpen balls on Sunday.  I haven’t gotten past Sunday.  I will cook as much aromatic ethnic food as I want, read quietly for hours, take my kayak to the Guadalupe and enjoy the company of friends at every opportunity.

Bethany: I have my own work and writing to get done. I watch C-SPAN. I party. Also, I clean up a little and prepare food for the folks that are staying with us. Frankly, it’s quite nice having the house to myself between waves. I have fun.

6. Do you resent Fantastic Fest?

Victoria: After a couple of days I begin to miss Adam, but I don’t resent it.

Toni: Not at all, anymore.

Bethany: It’s my first year, and I didn’t really understand how wonderful all of the people are, how inclusive film writers — and Austin’s film community  — really are. It’s always nice to have new experiences and see friends both new and old, so no. Not at all.

7. Oh, really? Then why do you let your partner go?

Victoria: Because it makes him happy, and he only get to do this once a year.

Toni: The first year Brian went, I was occupied with a visiting friend and last minute wedding details. That’s right, he got back mere days before we left for Indiana to get married. Plus, there were people I knew in Baton Rouge, and I had a roommate who doubled as my best friend.  I never wanted for something to do.  I was gone for weeks at a time doing field work, so it was only fair that Brian could leave for a week to celebrate his passion.

Last year was rough.  We’d just moved to this brand new city, full of movies and movie people and not one of them was either of the best friends I’d left in Baton Rouge.  I didn’t have a job, didn’t know anyone, didn’t really feel comfortable going places solo and my husband chose to spend this week’s worth of evenings and weekends watching strange movies and not sleeping?  Unacceptable.  I spent a lot of time on the couch watching Bravo marathons.  I’m not proud of this.

This year is 180 degrees different.  I know people, have a job, and am able enjoy Austin for what I know about it as well as what I have yet to discover.  I still miss Brian when he’s gone, but it’s essentially the same as if he were at work…from 12pm to 3am.  Then people come by the house to commune. My sleep schedule is utterly razed, and our apartment has the distinct aroma of, well, vegetation.  But I love it, because I’m a pack animal.  Our pack grows exponentially every morning after 2:30 and everyone is so nice.  Now, Fantastic Fest is an opportunity to see people I won’t see again until the next one, or until they inevitably decide to move to Austin.

Bethany: I agree with Toni. I like it when our pack grows, and everyone’s home and decompressing. Also, like I said. It’s Neil’s job!

8. Tell me about the term “Fantastic Fest Widows”. Who came up with it? Are you OK with this term?

Christine: I don’t think I count as a “widow” since I have a badge.

Victoria: The first time I heard the term was from Toni. I am not sure if she coined it. I think it describes our situation perfectly, and it’s catchy.

Bethany: I first heard it from Toni. I didn’t really like the term, because I’m not married — or a spider! But after this week, I certainly understand it. I’ve heard other people, all locals, talk about their partners getting tired of the long days and nights, of the schedule.

Toni: I’m pretty sure I came up with it but, in retrospect, it’s a poor descriptor.  It’s just a general term describing any one of my friends I can count on to party with me because the rest of their friends are at Fantastic Fest.  Our circles overlap.  That doesn’t mean a widow has to be married (or attached at all), or even female.  Or a spider.  It just means that we can count on each other for companionship, great food, and brilliant ideas for things to do whilst everyone else we know watches movies/parties with Tim League early into the morning.  Perhaps we should have been the “FF Orphans.”  Or “FF Strays.”  Something more inclusive than the “widows.”

9. Any closing thoughts?

Toni: Dear Jared Hess, I really, really wanted to like Gentlemen Broncos but… can I have my $27.00 back, please? (This is why I don’t spend $300 on a badge.)

Bethany: I’ve been so impressed with how inclusive the other local “widows” are. It’s nice to see boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, etc. all come together and hang out. I was just talking with a friend the other day. You know, we get really tired of movies! But Austin’s such a great place, and we all sort of have this “the more the merrier” attitude.

Movie critics, bloggers, and other writers really look forward to this festival every year, and now I see why. Yes, the Drafthouse is super-cool and the movies playing are really neat, but the heart and soul of Fantastic Fest is the good people of Austin and our Texas hospitality and friendliness. I, for one, am really happy to be a part.

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If you’re not going to come to Fantastic Fest, you’re only lucky because you’ll still have your eyeballs by the end of the month. We here at FSR on the other hand will definitely lose the damned things along with most of our spinal column and our sanity.

While we can’t prepare for going blind, we can practice losing our minds, so we’re taking a look at the 20 film we’re most excited to see this year at Fantastic Fest. Blood, boobs, gore, nonsensical plots from the Far East, more blood, A.D.D. children’s toys, zombie attacks, strange and unexplained occurrences, and more blood. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It was tough narrowing down the field, and we probably did a crap job of it, but it’s the best we can do when faced with the intensity of a film festival such as this.

Looking forward to seeing you on the other side:

NOTE: CLICK ANY OF THE TITLES BELOW TO READ OUR REVIEWS

Daybreakers

It’s ten years from now and a plague has swept through mankind… only instead of killing us it’s turned 95% of humanity into vampires. The world goes on only now the last humans on Earth have become a primary food source. Ethan Hawke plays a vampire scientist who joins forces with a group of human survivors in the hopes of finding a cure and saving the human species before it’s too late. Michael and Peter Spierig (the writers/directors) have taken the extremely over-done vampire genre and given it an awesome-looking action twist… with a little bit of ethical debate thrown in for good measure. And Hollywood had nothing to do with it. – Rob Hunter

Mandrill

At Fantastic Fest III I saw an incredible film called Mirage Man about a man working as a bouncer who wanted nothing more than to become a super hero. Marko Zaror, the lead, is an amazing martial artist with the fastest kick I have ever seen. But beyond the kick-ass action sequences, this low-budget Chilean superhero flick has so much heart it became one of my absolute favorites of that year. I am therefore ecstatic to see the new Ernesto Diaz Espinoza/Marko Zaror vehicle that has been described as doing for spy films what Mirage Man did for superhero films. Marko will be in attendance, as he was for Mirage Man two years ago, and I am interested to see if he will kick over the top of a man’s head……again. – Brian Salisbury

Bronson

Danish filmmaker (I see a trend) Nicolas Winding Refn switches gears from the shaky camera realism of his drug-themed Pusher trilogy to a gloriously haphazard, allegedly Clockwork Orange-esque biopic of larger-than-life British prisoner Michael Gordon Peterson (aka Charles Bronson). Bronson’s trailer makes the film look like it brings substance back to style-heavy cinema, and rumors of excellence surround Tom Hardy’s method performance as the title character. Even if the film turns out to be lacking on any of these levels, the chaotic stylization and unremitting violence are more than enough to compel me to see Bronson. – Landon Palmer

Solomon Kane

Armed with a rapier and flintlock pistols, Solomon Kane sets out on a mission of pillage and plunder in war-torn North Africa… Okay, stop right there. You had us at flintlock pistols. Director Michael J. Bassett brings to life the story of sword-and-sorcery from the legendary Robert E. Howard, and we’re going to be there. From the looks of things, Solomon Kane is a dark, bloody affair full of action and adventure. And not to sound cliche, but sign me up — dark, dirty and full of death and destruction? That’s why we come to Fantastic Fest in the first place. – Neil Miller

REC 2

I’m still looking for the pants that were scared off of me when I saw REC. Even the American remake, Quarantine, was pretty solid. Now directors Jaume Balaguero and Paca Plaza return with something that promises to be even scarier. The story picks up immediately after the first, so we’re still dealing with the same creepy building, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that the two filmmakers have a few tricks hidden up their sleeves and around some dark corners. – Cole Abaius

Paranormal Activity

Love them or hate them, ’shakey cam’ movies (think Blair Witch) are here to stay. This is actually the second of two such pics at this year’s fest (the other is [Rec]2 (see above)), and both are reportedly shit-your-pants-cry-for-your-mama scary. Paranormal Activity finds a troubled young couple who set up security cameras in an attempt to see what’s happening around their house after they’ve gone to sleep. What they find is an invisible spirit moving things around, crawling under their sheets, and getting a taste of the lady’s thigh meat. Time to call the Realtor… – Rob Hunter

Zombieland

I love zombie movies. If you haven’t gleaned my cinematic taste yet, I’m the type of guy that enjoys B-movies just as much as insightful, arthouse fare. I relish watching cult cinema and I’m very forgiving of less-than-stellar filmmaking when it falls back on unbridled entertainment value; enter Zombieland. Like Shaun of the Dead, this is a horror comedy, which always seems remarkably hard to market to audiences. If it’s too comedic, the hard-core horror fans will pitch a fit over it while if it is too horrific, it will fail to be funny. I think Zombieland’s marketing is spot-on as the trailers suggest a balls-out action film dotted with moments of Harrelson hilarity and undead irony. Woody will actually be in attendance along with various other members of the cast so the Q & A should be a riot. – Brian Salisbury

Fish Story

As with many movies playing at Fantastic Fest, I had heard nothing about Fish Story until I read the synopsis and watched the trailer on the fest’s site. Fish Story concerns a mosaic of interwoven narratives spanning across time and space, centered on a pre-apocalyptic moment in 2012 Tokyo and all thematically based around a 1975 punk song that the film’s title is based off of. So far this movie reads like the Japanese moving image equivalent of a Vonnegut novel, and I’m intrigued to see if the film comes across anywhere near as delightfully absurd as its compelling description. – Landon Palmer

A Town Called Panic

If there’s one thing we look for at Fantastic Fest, it is not only the good, certainly not the bad (because that doesn’t show up there), but also the weird — because the weird can and undoubtedly will appear in the festival line-up. In this year’s weird category, we would like to insert A Town Called Panic. It’s almost impossible to describe — animated in stop-motion with clay models of children’s toys, namely Cowboys, Indians and farmyard animals. It is full of silly jokes and bizarre visuals. It is completely manic and way over the top. It is also Belgian and has a cult following based on a short film from 2001. We are completely sold. Bring on that first screening. – Neil Miller

The Children

One of my biggest pet peeves about movies is the inclusion of children. They are either unbelievable because they survive things they shouldn’t or they are realistic and pose a major liability. A very puntable liability. But The Children looks different – it takes a beloved member of the family and grows a sinister murder inside of him or her. Three families all vacationing in a winter wonderland are confronted with their own offspring turning into blood thirsty killers. I’m gearing up for tiny little hands shoving knives into the torsos of confused, frightened adults. Yes, friends, this time the menace wears OshKosh B’Gosh. – Cole Abaius

Editor’s Note: This list was lovingly put together by the Fantastic Fest Death Squad of Rob Hunter, Brian Salisbury, Neil Miller, Landon Palmer and Cole Abaius. For more information on Fantastic Fest, the films, or the debauchery that will inevitably take place, check out the official website.

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Charlaine Harris who? You may not think you know her, but if it wasn’t for Charlaine Harris and her creation of Sookie Stackhouse, we wouldn’t have HBO’s True Blood. Charlaine sat down with us at Dragon*Con in Atlanta, Georgia this past weekend to answer a few questions that we were dying to know.

“Well of course, Sookie is my favorite,” Charlaine told us when we asked her favorite character, but she quickly added, “I like writing all of them because they’re all part of me.”

When asked who her favorite character was other than Sookie, she replied gleefully that it was Amelia Broadway and Vampire Pam played by Kristin Bauer. Amelia Broadway is a novice witch in the Sookie Stackhouse novels that has yet to be introduced on True Blood. So when can viewers see this character on True Blood? Well, that’s not a definite yet.

As Charlaine explained, HBO’s Alan Ball is initially aiming to shoot one Sookie Stackhouse novel per HBO Season. “That was the basic plan,” she said. “But he has said that eventually the show will take on a life of its own.” Alan Ball explained to her that because Sookie wouldn’t be able to carry the entire series on her own, other characters would have to become more developed. Hence Lafayette not being killed in season one, even though he was killed in the first novel Dead Until Dark. This also explains why the character Jessica Hamby played by Deborah Ann Woll was created and why Tara Thorton played by Rutina Wesley has become a main character in the True Blood series.

When asked who her favorite character in True Blood was, Charlaine praised the entire cast. “I know all the actors, with a few exceptions,” she said. “It would be really hard to pick when you know them personally. It’s really hard to separate them from the characters.”

However, she eventually settled on Nelsan Ellis. “He’s just brilliant as Lafayatte,” she said. Charlaine went on to say that she felt Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin were a perfect fit for their characters William Compton and Sookie Stackhouse. Charlaine had mentioned in a panel earlier in the weekend that she couldn’t believe how tall Alexander Skarsgård was who plays Eric Northman. Alexander Skarsgård, who stood at 6’4”, towered over Charlaine Harris. She said that he was one of the nicest actors she’d met. Charlaine also went on to say that she didn’t think that Stephen and Anna’s relationship outside of True Blood would affect the characters storyline in the series.

Charlaine didn’t name or suggest anyone who should be cast as future characters on True Blood, but did say that she was very excited to see who would be cast as Debbie Pelt, a central character that is introduced in the third book, Club Dead. She also went on to say that she can’t wait to see what Alan Ball does with Club Dead and that the book was one of her favorites. When Charlaine was asked if the third season of True Blood would be closer to Club Dead than the second season had been to her books, she replied that she wasn’t sure.

“In the third season, we’ll see the introduction of the werewolves,” she said. “And I am looking forward to that very much.”

Unlike Stephenie Meyer with the Twilight series, Charlaine Harris and Alan Ball do not regularly consult with each other about the True Blood series. However, when asked if she and Alan Ball had a communication method available to them, she advised that they do communicate occasionally via email. Charlaine also went on to say that she is OK with the liberties that Alan Ball has taken with the True Blood series because she looks at True Blood as its own entity.

“I have been fascinated with what he’s done,” Charlaine said. “It’s like a separate experience, and that can be a lot of fun for everyone.”

The differences between the books and the series may explain any confusion that Charlaine’s fans are having with HBO’s True Blood. For example, when we asked Charlaine about what the “egg” was in True Blood, Charlaine said with a smile “I have no idea.”

One thing that fans of Charlaine Harris will be very excited to know about, is her upcoming appearance in a True Blood episode. Charlaine will appear in Season Two’s final episode on Sunday, September 13th as a patron in the bar Merlotte’s. Look for her talking to Sam Merlotte (Sam Trammell).

Charlaine appeared at several other panels during the Dragon*Con weekend and we asked a question to Charlaine Harris for all of her avid fans of the Sookie Stackhouse series. Charlaine had mentioned on her website that Sookie would not become a vampire, so when we asked her which vampire she would end up with (implying Eric Northman or William Compton), Charlaine replied with a devilish smile “Who says it’s going to be a vampire?”

To learn more about Charlaine Harris, and her other novels and appearances, visit her personal web site at CharlaineHarris.com.

For more information on True Blood, visit HBO’s True Blood web site.

Special thanks to our roving Dragon*Con correspondents, Kelly Carr and April Cloud, who conducted the interview and were so kind as to send it in to us.

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If there is one roving menace that still haunts the world in which we live, it is the threat of possible attack from Michael Myers. There came a time when we at least knew what and when to expect such an event, bracing ourselves each All Hallow’s Eve for what seemed like an indestructible killing machine. Oftentimes we’d watch helpless as our babysitter, our teenaged sons, our fornicating friends were all shuffled off this mortal coil by the Shatner-faced villain and yet sometimes we felt the bravery to fight back.

Now, we can’t even be sure when he’ll attack since he’s sneaking up on us at the end of August instead of waiting until the end of October. He’s getting sneakier, and that means we have to become even smarter.

So, if you want to avoid being stabbed to death, electrocuted violently or thrown out of a window, take heed and follow these 9 Ways to Survive a Michael Myers Attack and get ready to keep your eyes open for educational opportunities after Halloween 2: The Second 2 sees Myers attacking us all over again (this time teaming up with Rob Zombie to make sure absolutely no one is alive or awake by the end of the massacre).

9. Keep a Fire Extinguisher and a Mine Shaft Handy

As we learned in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, a fire extinguisher is not just for putting out fires. It can also be used to blind giant serial killers until the police can show up with their many and varied firearms. The harsh chemical/mine shaft combination has not been proven to be a long term solution, but it will definitely give you enough time to escape to safety. The technique may be hazardous for hermits living near the mineshaft, but in a time of crisis, you cannot be concerned about the lives of anti-social drifters. Focus on saving yourself.

8. Avoid the Thrill of Fame

I realize that the call of micro-celebrity has us all gripped tight like that seven months we were hooked on meth. But do not give in! Sure, you are (like most people) probably incredibly good looking, young, and willing to massage someone’s genitals with your mouth on camera, but don’t do it. If a reality show comes knocking at your door offering you cash and scholarships to stay in Michael Myers’s childhood home (as featured in Halloween: Resurrection), just politely decline and direct them to that bitch Donna’s house. She probably deserves it. Also, you’ll probably be fine if you’re Busta Rhymes, but do you really wanna risk it?

7. Appeal to His Sense of Family

After a massive wave of murdering, it’s hard to remember that Michael Myers is, after all, a family man. Whether he’s under a curse or the embodiment of evil, he really cares about his family even as he hunts them down to kill them. Judging by the way he stops killing everything in sight when Jamie Lloyd calls him ‘Uncle’ in Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, we can safely assume that it’s a great diversion. Just don’t stop to wipe the single tear that will fall from his big sad eyes. This will only serve to enrage him and send him right back on his killing spree. Yell out ‘Son!’ or, if you really want him confused, ‘Aunt Michael!’ and then tell him you’ve had a lovely time, but you really, really have to get going or you’re going to miss a dentist’s appointment, then sneak out before he tries to serve you desert. You know, like you do with the rest of your annoying family.

6. Appeal to His Hatred of Being Hit With a Lead Pipe

I realize that so far a lot of the techniques have been to simply avoid the killer or to distract him, but if you’re feeling ballsy, one of the best maneuvers is to take the killer head-on at his own game. Toss some corrosive chemicals into his veins and then smash his brain in with a lead pipe as the smart teens of Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers did. Fair warning: this too is a temporary solution. Also, getting too close to Myers may mean you become the target of the curse he’s under or something stupid like that.

5. Shoot Him Seven Times

Don’t bring that weak ass revolver to this fight! If we’ve learned anything from using bullets on Michael Myers in Halloween, it’s that six shots just doesn’t cut it. He can even fall off a damned roof after having a full round emptied into him and still disappear mysteriously to haunt another sequel. For safety’s sake, unload every bullet you have in the clip and in any and all subsequently clips you have on your person. Even if it doesn’t kill Myers, it’s about your only chance to shoot a gun 337 times in a residential neighborhood like you’ve always wanted.

4. Don’t Hang Out with Laurie Strode

Look, I don’t care how popular or attractive you think Laurie Strode is. She’s not worth it. Don’t be her friend. In fact, don’t be friends with anyone named Laurie just in case. Don’t even talk to her. If you see her in the cafetorium between classes, throw tater tots at her and kick her in the shin. While you’re at it, go ahead and transfer out of that doomed school and tell your parents to move to a different town. If we’re all playing our part, Laurie Strode will be a friendless loser with nowhere to turn when Michael comes for her. But you can rest easy knowing she’s being brutally murdered and not you.

3. Enlist in the KISS Army

In what can only be considered an experimental option, being a huge KISS fan just might do the trick. In Rob Zombie’s version of Halloween, young Michael Myers is donning a KISS fan t-shirt which means he’ll either spare you as a fellow fan or that he was forced to get that shirt at the thrift store and has no idea what it says. However, it’s more likely than not that he likes to rock ‘n’ roll all night and part of every day. Get him into a debate of who’s more awesome, Paul or Ace, and he’ll be way too distracted to think about knifing your face. That was an unfortunate rhyme, but you see where I’m going.

2. Chop His Goddamned Head Off

It took eight educational films on the subject, but finally someone just does the obvious in Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later and removes Michael’s brain from his brain stem. One of the best ways to avoid being killed by Myers is to kill him first by severing completely his spinal column. Unfortunately, you may very well have to watch out for pesky, unimaginative writers who try to claim you accidentally killed an innocent man instead of Michael just so they can cash in on the franchise some more.

1. Leave Him Out of Your Movie

You really want to avoid being killed by Michael Myers? Just don’t invite him to the party. It may mean you have to deal with enchanted masks, but who the hell hasn’t laughed their way through that non-nightmare before? Take a cue from Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. You should be fine as long as Myers is nowhere near the credits.

Editor’s Note: This list was loving compiled by survival experts Cole Abaius and Robert Fure with advice from Rob Hunter (mostly he just sat in the corner picking at his fingernails with a huge hunting knife and mumbling about getting revenge).

Related Reading:

• ‘Bloody Valentine’ Director Might Direct ‘Halloween 3D’
• Boiling Point: Hollywood Horror Releasing Still Wrong
• 31 Days of Horror: Halloween
• 31 Days of Horror: Midnight Meat Train
• Fantastic Fest Review: Trick ‘r Treat
• Reject Radio: Episode 16: Bear Me Away on Your Snow White Wings
• Old Ass Movies: Know the Horror of ‘I Walked with a Zombie’
• Watch This: You’re Sure Halloween 2 Isn’t Direct-to-DVD?

Back in June, I wrote a list of 20 films from the 1980s that weren’t being remade. It was a celebration of the sacred ground that Hollywood didn’t seem as eager to trample all over, and I dutifully put Mad Max at the top of the list. Sure, I’d heard the rumble that George Miller was going to make an animated sequel, talking a big game about being inspired by Akira, but claiming that you want to start pre-production and actually making a film are two vastly different things.

Of course, soon after I wrote that list, the rumblings got more and more defined, and now it looks like a live-action Mad Max is a strong possibility. Luckily, it’s looking like either film would be a sequel and not an out-and-out remake. Phew.

Just last week, news broke through an interview that Jeremy Renner was screen-testing for the iconic role. If you’ve read FSR and our glowing praise for both Renner and The Hurt Locker, then you won’t be surprised by our enthusiasm for him being cast. It would be brilliant. The guy is just about as talented as it gets.

However, we decided to put our heads together to brainstorm five other actors that might be able to fill those boots. So here they are, in no particular order:

6. Jeremy Renner

The Pitch: Max Rockatansky is two things. Duty-bound and blinded by revenge. Renner is a phenomenal choice – especially after seeing how intensely loyal to his job and totally nusto-insane he played his roles in The Hurt Locker and 28 Weeks Later. He’s got the range to go from bad ass to crazed bad ass, and he’s already got a solid action background.

5. Ryan Kwanten

The Pitch: First of all, he’s Australian. Which helps. Second of all, he’s a young actor who’s recognizable enough from his role on “True Blood” without being too famous to overpower the role. He’s definitely got the charm to be Max, but his fatal flaw could come in trying to be naked on screen most of the time. Don’t judge him. It’s what he’s used to.

4. Johnny Messner

The Pitch: Let’s be honest. Messner has been in some really, truly awful movies and television, but I think we could forgive his presence in the abysmally bad “Knight Rider” series in order to see him driving grease machines in the desert. He’s got a dominating presence, had a cool guest spot on “Burn Notice,” and it’s not like he’d have to elevate his acting chops all that much to wear leather and spit out, “I think we’ve got some hoon trouble…”

3. Natalie Portman

The Pitch: Didn’t expect that little twist did you? Admit it – Mad Maxine could be a really cool feature. Imagine a short-haired, leather-clad Portman trolling the desert in a Pursuit Special and taking down gang thugs. She’s a great actor, has major charisma, and has publicly threatened to shit on people’s faces and force them to do her dry cleaning. In short, she’s a bad ass. Your concern might be that her body type is a little small for the part – but that didn’t stop Mel Gibson when he made the role famous and only stood at 3-foot-5-inches tall. Little known fact!

2. Anthony Mackie

The Pitch: I’ll admit that I got the idea when Mackie’s Hurt Locker co-star Renner came up for the part, but the more I thought about it, the more it fit. Mackie is a hell of a performer, has done action, and can look downright frightening when he wants to.

1. Mel Gibson

The Pitch: Why the fuck not? At 52-years old, I’m sure that Gibson could muscle his way down a barren landscape again. Plus, it helps that, you know, he is Mad Max.

What do you think? Who else would you want to see play Max?

Editor’s Note: This list was lovingly compiled mostly seriously by Robert Fure, Cole Abaius, and Rob Hunter.

Related Reading:

• Theron, Hardy Rev Engines for ‘Mad Max’?
• New ‘Hurt Locker’ Poster Gives Us Need for New Metaphors
• The Hurt Locker: 2 Explosive New Clips, 6 New Images
• New Photos and Poster for ‘The Hurt Locker’ Are All Business
• ‘Hurt Locker’ Trailer Explodes
• SXSW Review: The Hurt Locker
• Watch This: Intense International Trailer for The Hurt Locker
• First Look: Kathyrin Bigelow’s The Hurt Locker

Greetings loyal readers and Dave The Guy Who Only Occasionally Reads Us! Next weekend (on Sunday to be precise) you will have the opportunity to witness the birth of the greatest film podcast of all time. Which is both monumental (because we’re involved) and not all that much a feat (because you’ve heard the competition out there).

We know we already have Fat Guys At The Movies, but we started Reject Radio because we needed something that reflected the entire voice of the Reject Family, something edgy, something that wouldn’t ask permission before punching you in the face and taking your mom out to dinner. Plus, we can curse, which is great.

It’s about delivering incredible content, delivering some of the best film minds from around the web, delivering an interactive experience unlike anything you could get anywhere else – and it’s all Live. Unless you choose to simply download it the next day from iTunes.

And because we love you guys so much (except you, Dave), we’ve decided to give you a sneak peek at Reject Radio before it goes live next Sunday, June 7th at 9pm CST (10pm EST, 7pm PST). And, since we hate selling you short, we’ve decided to give you an entire episode instead of measly little snippets. Use it to get hooked while it’s still hip. Don’t worry, you can still say you like our earlier albums better once we sell out and get famous.

This week, on a very special episode of Reject Radio, Rob Hunter stops by and shares his opinion even when we don’t ask for it.

Listen Here:

Download This Episode

On This Week’s Show:

Segment 1: Ripped From the Headlines [0:00 - 21:00]

• Iron Man’s an Alcoholic
• Neil Hates MTV, Loves Pictures of Transformers 2’s The Fallen
• Bad Lieutenant Trailer is Inexplicably Awesome
• Avatar Concept Art Fails to Impress
• Boring News of the Week – G.I. Joe: The Poster

Segment 2: Reviews [21:00 - 43:00]

• Drag Me to Hell (Cole’s Review)
• Up (Neil’s Review)

Segment 3: The World Famous Third Segment [43:00 - 60:00]

• Segment Three-Way Debate: Remakes and the Men Who Love Them

Reject Radio Airs Live Sunday Nights at 10p EST / 7p PST

• Watch Live at FilmSchoolRejects.com/Radio
• Call Reject Radio: (512) 212-1301
• Email Reject Radio: radio@filmschoolrejects.com
• Reject Radio on Twitter: twitter.com/RejectRadio

Subscribe to Reject Radio:

Related Reading:

• WTF: 2D or Not 2D, That Is the Question
• Iron Man 2 Stuntman Spills Details on Whiplash
• Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
• WTF: G.I. No?
• Iron Man 2 Goes Viral, Jon Favreau Talks 3D, IMAX for Iron Man 3
• The 7 Most Buzzed About Movies of Comic-Con 2009
• The 14 Must See Movie Events of Comic-Con 2009
• Why ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ Is The Summer’s Worst Movie (And Why McG May Deserve An Apology)

With Pixar’s Up out this weekend we all got a well deserved gift – the teaser trailer for next summer’s Toy Story 3. Like most Pixar teasers it didn’t show us much in the way of actual plot, but it showed us all the characters we’re familiar with back on screen together. However, this prompted one FSR writer, Michelle Graham, to exclaim “What is the fuss about?” Resident Devil’s Advocate Josh Radde defends Pixar’s first film franchise.

Opening Argument (Josh):

Michelle,

Word from your parole officer has it that you think Toy Story is overrated. I have two questions for you: 1. Are you joking? 2. What kind of crime did you commit so that I’d have to e-mail your parole officer just to get a hold of you? Now, we’re talking about 1995’s Toy Story, you know, Pixar’s first feature starring Woody the cowboy and the popular Buzz Lightyear doll, voiced by Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, respectively – just in case you thought we were talking about something else. Overrated? Really?

Is it because critics and audiences alike fawn all over Toy Story as if its one of the best children’s movies of all-time? Does that rub you the wrong way like your father’s friend who insists you call him “Uncle Carl?” Well, here’s the cold-hard truth: Toy Story IS one of the best children’s movies of all-time (and no, Carl is not your Uncle). Toy Story is the Citizen Kane of CG-animated features – not only was it ahead of its time technically, but it has a grand story that connects with all ages and will still be great for generations to come. Despite how raw the technology was, Toy Story still looked beautiful. Have the graphics gotten better since? Absolutely. But do we not owe it to Toy Story as the pioneer that paved the way for other great Pixar productions like Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, and Wall-E or other CG-animated films that have connected with audiences like the Shrek franchise, Kung Fu Panda, or some propaganda-fun like Happy Feet?

Borat is overrated. Fight Club is overrated. Toy Story is as evenly rated as you could ask.

I’m going to allow you to state your argument now, before I reveal to the internet just how ridiculous you really are. How, pray tell, is Toy Story overrated?

Rebuttal (Michelle):

Oh, Josh.

Before I get around to dealing with your little opinion, I must stop and marvel at the true courage you’re showing here. Not many people would be so flippant to someone with a parole officer, especially when they don’t have a clue what crime was committed to warrant one! Bravo, my good man, you are either fearless or truly dense. Based on the stance you seem to hold on this particular issue, I know which one of those I’d pick. However, before I end up being required to check in for a second offense, I’ll get back on topic. Yes, I really do mean Toy Story, with the crazy cast of adorable characters. I even remember all that merchandise that was around when the movie came out, it was like Pixar vomited all over the toy stores. The Christmas Buzz Lightyear rush can only be rivaled by the craze that was the Furby, and we all remember how great they were, don’t we?

Despite the strange reference to memories of uncles and inappropriate touching (are you projecting a little, here? I’m sure that one of the Rejects has a therapist you could try), your main point is pretty accurate. It does bother me that people cite this as one of the best movies for children ever made, because there’s absolutely no basis for the claim. Toy Story is a good little movie, sure, but what makes it stand out above all the other good movies that Pixar and Disney have produced? The fact that it was the first CG animated movie that pulled off the effects? Just because something was first doesn’t mean it was best – a fact you ought to remember next time you’re fiddling away in the bedroom. A truly great movie, a movie worthy of all the hype Toy Story has garnered, is more than just a pretty face. The characters in Toy Story aren’t fantastic, they’re irritating! It took until Toy Story 2 for those characters to become palatable and not make me want to reach into the screen and wrap Woody’s cord around Buzz’s neck whilst shooting Hamm, Rex and Slink with one of the green army guns.

You mention Finding Nemo and Wall-E up in your little propaganda piece, two studies in movies with true heart. Have you compared the content of these two movies to that of Toy Story? How about Monsters Inc, a movie you carelessly forgot, despite including tripe like any Shrek movie beyond the first one. Go do that and get back to me. You might learn what a truly great movie feels like while you’re at it. If your argument really does boil down to is “first is the best,” you better hope the jury is a troop of six year-olds since that only works in the schoolyard.

Closing Argument (Josh):

Michelle!

You’ve responded as if I’ve said something negative about the Twilight series or something. Put the knife down, baby. Cole Abaius has an incredible therapist that he hooked me up with (and talk about inappropriate touching…), I’ll pass the number on to you if you like.

First off, let me be absolutely clear in what I’m talking about. I called Toy Story the “Citizen Kane of CG-animated features” because it was innovative, not because the story or the content are the best. And yes, I did call it one of the best children’s stories of all-time, and I stick by that. Those “annoying” characters you talk about don’t really bug anybody that much, least of all kids. You’re calling the late great Jim Varney’s Slink annoying? You were disturbed by John Ratzenberger’s best performance in a Pixar movie as Hamm? I bet you didn’t like it every time Don Rickles’ Mr. Potato Head got the features knocked off his face, either.

Are you forgetting how the characters grow in the film? Did you not understand Toy Story’s message about acceptance and friendship? You must be forgetting brilliant moments of clever writing mixed with great character development like the scene where Sid’s sister invites Buzz Lightyear to a tea party or when the toy soldiers do recon at the birthday party. You must be neglecting the complexity of Woody’s guilt and fear over losing his relationship with Andy and Buzz’s existential crisis when finding out he’s not the “person” he thought he was. I’m not alone in saying that Toy Story is a great film and shattered every expectation at the time.

As far as “best,” I think that Finding Nemo and Wall-E have more heart, Monsters, Inc has more laughs, The Incredibles and even Toy Story 2 are more re-watchable – but guess what – those are all in the upper tier of top notch children’s films right alongside Toy Story! No one can accurately state just how great and consistent Pixar has been over the last 15 years. The quality to commercial viability ratio cannot be matched by any studio popping out movies. There may be better “films” than Toy Story, but to call it overrated? That’s the crux of this argument that we seem to be forgetting. You can’t call a film as (dare I say) important as Toy Story “overrated.”

A college professor once told me “There are no wrong opinions – only assholes” (I think what he meant to say was “opinions are like assholes, everyone has one,” but I like the other way better), and I’ll be the asshole to tell you that you’re just flat wrong. Wrong like the Holocaust. Wrong like a woman breast-feeding in public. Wrong like Freddy Got Fingered.

Go back and watch Toy Story, like I did yesterday to prepare for this Shouting Match. You’ll find that it is still as endearing as it ever was, and just as good, if not better than, anything else you can match it up against.

Final Word (Michelle):

Hey hey hey, don’t go throwing down the Twilight card, you know you hide under your bedsheets with a flashlight and some Edward Cullen slashfic late at night. Sure, Toy Story was innovative. However, innovation alone doesn’t warrant a place in the animated movie pantheon, the movie also needs to be of a higher quality than its competition. It can’t be just as good as anything else, it has to outstrip it and go the extra mile. Toy Story was okay, but don’t go thinking it’s all that. You say you rewatched it just the other day? Next time try looking past the flash. Just like in life, it ain’t all about looks.

Lucky for you, eh?

We could go back and forth discussing this matter all day and eventually just strap each other to Sid’s rocket. What really matters is what do you think: Is Toy Story overrated?

Related Reading:

• Toy Story 3D Trailer: Buzz and Woody Pimp Their 3D Re-Release
• SDCC: Michael Keaton Voices Non-Anatomical Doll for ‘Toy Story 3′
• Exclusive: Pete Docter and Jonas Rivera Talk ‘Up’
• Kevin Carr’s Weekly Report Card for 05.29.09
• Fat Guys at the Movies Ep. 117 – Drag My Fat Butt Up to Hell
• Logical: ‘Toy Story 3′ Trailer Attached to ‘Up’
• Exclusive: Pixar Takes Kevin Carr Up, Up and Away!
• New Clip from Pixar’s Up is Short, But Really Pretty

Ah, curses. We’ve all given them and received a few ourselves, but it seems that whenever I want something bad to befall one of my many, many enemies, it doesn’t ever happen. Probably because I’m not using strong enough gazelle urine, a popular ingredient in making curse potions. Hexes, spells, dark prayers, execrations – call them whatever you will, but wishing ill will upon someone through the invocation of a supernatural power has a unique place in cinematic history. Inside the horror genre, there are more than a few examples, but in the grand world of moviedom, curses aren’t used nearly as often as they maybe should be.

Still, we here at FSR were able to compile a list of 8 cursed characters from film, so grab your voodoo doll, say a quick prayer under your breath, and trip your boss when he comes looking for those spreadsheets you were supposed to do. After all, real life violence often works better than just hoping Beelzebub will smite your foes for you.

Beast from Beauty and The Beast (1991)

The Crime: During a cold, cold, super freezing night, a French prince denies shelter to a beggar woman because she’s not nearly as sexy as he’d like. Turns out she’s a super-powerful, gorgeous enchantress. Big mistake.

The Curse: The enchantress wants to teach the prince a lesson about judging books by their cover, so she turns him into a physical representation of his beastly cruel personality and, for some reason, his servants into adorable singing household objects.

The Remedy: The Beast eventually falls in love with an odd young woman (she likes to read! what woman loves reading?!), dances with her in his ballroom, and gets her to says she loves him in return before the last petal falls on an enchanted rose. Further proof that either the prince learned his lesson about appearances, or that having a ton of money makes up for being ugly.

Leon Corledo from The Curse of the Werewolf (1961)

The Crime: Being born.

The Curse: Apparently, since Leon’s mother was raped in jail by a beggar, a spirit that shouldn’t have been born entered into his body, causing him to turn into a wolf at night. It also causes him to thirst for squirrel blood.

The Remedy: Being shot by a silver bullet. Unfortunately, through no real fault of his own, Leon is tormented his entire life, has to deal psychologically with the burden of being a dangerous monster and begs for death.

Asaka Reiko from Ringu (1998)

The Crime: Watching a video tape in order to write a news story about the teenage craze of watching a video tape.

The Curse: Seeing the images recorded on the tape causes Asaka, and many others in the film, to get a creepy phone call and die a week later in a horrid twist of fear.

The Remedy: After a harrowing journey attempting to save the daughter of a vicious psychic by freeing her spirit from the well, it turns out that the only thing she needed to do in order to stop the curse from killing her was to make a copy of the tape and pass it on to someone else. Sadly, copying the tape is no way to avoid being cursed to be remade by Americans.

Dennis Alan from The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

The Crime: Alan is trying to secure a native Haitian drug for a major pharmaceutical company (for fun and profit), so he pisses off the local voodoo master enough to make him drive a nail through his scrotum.

The Curse: Apparently being nailed in the groin and hallucinating because someone owns your soul isn’t enough – Alan has a yellow powder blown in his face, is buried by the locals and wakes up a zombie, partially at the mercy of his voodoo master.

The Remedy: Through use of inexplicable telekinetic powers, Alan nails his enemy in the crotch and destroys a bunch of urns. Thus, he and the other zombies are free at last, free at last. Plus, for good measure, they burn a guy alive.

Hal from Shallow Hal (2001)

The Crime: Being a complete dick to the fairer sex and judging people based on their appearance. Are we sensing a theme here?

The Curse: In what might actually be a blessing instead of a curse, awesome self-help guru Tony Robbins plagues Hal to see people’s inner beauty as a manifestation of outer beauty. Thus, all of the hot ladies he meets actually just have really hot personalities.

The Remedy: Hearing someone say, “Shallow Hal wants a gal.” Not all remedies can be exciting.

Aunt Felice from The Kiss (1988)

The Crime: Being a total bitch.

The Curse: It’s actually unclear whether Felice was a total bitch before or after having a snake voodoo beast invade her body/soul, but she was a fashion model so we can assume as much. The beast torments her, making her seduce her dead sister’s husband, kill a few people and attempt to give the curse to her niece.

The Remedy: Passing the curse along before the demon (and its host body) dies by kissing your niece.

Yuan Chen from Seventh Curse (1986)

The Crime: Being a hero and saving a young woman from The Worm Tribe.

The Curse: Excruciating pain in the legs until a vein bursts, spilling blood everywhere. When the seventh vein bursts, the accursed will die.

The Remedy: Honestly, as confusing as this cult movie (now with Chow Yun Fat!), it’s difficult to tell whether or not strangling a baby puppet, battling with kung-fu monks, messing with ancient ashes, or stealing an idol’s eyeball is what makes everything all better. If someone could tell me, that would be great because my legs have been hurting lately.

Billy Halleck from Thinner (1996)

The Crime: Being an asshole lawyer who tries to run over old gypsy women while being fellated.

The Curse: It turns out that almost killing a woman will almost always piss off her father, and when that father happens to know gypsy curses, things get bad. The old man touches Billy, says the word, “thinner,” and fat old Billy starts to lose weight. Which is fine until he can’t stop.

The Remedy: The sole person that can remove the curse is the gypsy who put it on Billy in the first place, but he can’t just remove it. He has to transfer it to someone else by instilling the curse inside a pie and allowing Billy to get someone to eat it – leaving the ultimate question of whether to die with dignity or to cause intense pain and death for someone else in order to save your own life.

What are your favorite movie curses?

Related Reading:

• Trailer For ‘Drag Me To Hell’ Will Curse You For Life
• Old Ass Movies: Know the Horror of ‘I Walked with a Zombie’
• Reject Radio: Episode 25: Ring-a Ding Ding
• 31 Days of Horror: Splinter
• Old Ass Horror Films Being Released for the First Time
• Reject Radio: Episode 23: Mi Casa, Su Casa
• Coroner’s Report: Hardware Blu-ray
• Review: Saw VI

Editor’s Note: As with many of our Ten and Five articles, this article does contain spoilers. Consider your metal alloy ass warned.

Terminator Salvation has had a bumpy road to the theater screens. The only person made happy by the announcement that McG would be directing the film was McG’s own mother. Maybe. He had a wall of shame consisting of his filmography to overcome, and to his credit he attacked that barrier head on. Enthusiasm and respect filled his convention appearances and interviews, an impressive cast came together around the project, and when the first footage began to appear it impressed the hell out of many of his critics. Had we all been too quick to judge? Could he actually pull it off? Would Salvation be the great film we all hoped it would be?

The film is finally here. The answer is no. In fact, the answer is such a resounding “no” that we doubled our normal amount of dislikes and had two writers tackle this double-stacked version of 10 and 5 (we’ll let you do the math). To be fair, something we’re legally not required to be, we also doubled our likes because both writers Rob Hunter and Robert Fure are big fans of the Terminator franchise and despite what you’ll read below, eagerly await a fifth installment. Except this time, they want it to be good.

20 Things We Didn’t Like

20) “I’ve never driven before” – Oh Kyle Reese, you prankster. Never driven yet you throw the car into gear, drive off-road like a champ, and know precisely how to turn the wheel when Marcus yanks the emergency brake. Made for a funny punchline when Marcus kicks him out of the seat, but otherwise unbelievable. -Rob Hunter

19) Bad Wire Work – When a human being is punched by a robot or hit with an explosion they normally die. Instead of dying, these humans decided to fly through the air in straight lines rather than in an arc like things actually travel. At one point, Marcus jumps off a bridge and begins to fall, but somehow magically he rises slightly and his upper body shifts as if he’s being pulled up. That’s some seriously bad wire work. -Robert Fure

18) Cheese factor – Way too much shmaltz on display here… from Reese’s call to “stay alive in here (taps head) and here (taps heart)” to Marcus’ whiny “Do you think people deserve a second chance?” to Connor’s nod of approval when Marcus offers his heart. -Rob Hunter

17) Needless Explosions – I love explosions – as long as they make sense. When Marcus is fleeing from the Resistance Base, why do the humans blow up the entire forest? Seems like a huge waste of material and a giant signal fire to the machines. -Robert Fure

16) 100-ton Harvester Ninja? – The giant Harvester robot was pretty cool, but how the hell did it manage to sneak up on everyone at the gas station? The earth would be shaking from its footsteps. And yes, it was dropped off by a jet powered aircraft… -Rob Hunter

15) Not Enough Terminators – Seriously. We see a couple of fat T-600s. Like, literally, they only fight 2 of them. Where are all the bad ass robots? -Robert Fure

14) Connor’s wavering concern for others – Saving lives is what makes Connor’s fight more human… until he gets on the chopper at the end and the kid hands him the detonator. Does he ask “Hey, is everyone out safely?” No. He immediately blows the shit out of everything. Remember all those folks he “rescued” from cells and told to go to the transport? They were probably all sitting in the transport twiddling their thumbs and waiting for him when he blew the place to pieces. -Rob Hunter

13) Poor acting - Most of the acting in this film is weak. I wasn’t impressed with Bloodgood, and Common has nothing to do. -Robert Fure

12) Inconsistent CGI/matte work – To be sure, most of the effects in the film are fantastic… gritty and believable practical creations alongside solidly rendered CGI robots and action. But there’s also some visual blunders… like the blending of Marcus against a digital matte of a devastated Los Angeles, a CGI Connor speeding off on a cycle, a certain governor’s face mapped to a bodybuilder’s body, a poorly rendered flying bot that is barely a step or two above the floating eyeball from Big Trouble in Little China… too many glaring visual gaffes for a big movie like this. -Rob Hunter

11) This Isn’t The Matrix Reloaded – So why did Marcus talk to the all-knowing Architect that is Skynet itself. Portrayed by a computer image of Helena Bonham Carter who gives the machine a sassy attitude. Remember the good old days when robots didn’t have attitudes? They were just robots. -Robert Fure

10) Editing highlighted gaps – The most obvious gap is the one that should have been filled with Bloodgood’s wet, moonlit orbs. She and Marcus start to set up a camp for a night in the rain when suddenly she’s alone and three scumbags show up claiming they’ve been watching her and like what they see. They saw boobs. We didn’t. And it’s left a hole in my heart (as well as in the narrative). Another scene sees Connor clearly during the day arguing with his resistance commander on the radio about an imminent attack… then he’s talking to the troops over the radio clearly at night imploring them not to bomb before dawn… then he’s heading out to Skynet clearly during the day (and well after dawn)… then he infiltrates Skynet at night. What? -Rob Hunter

9) Marcus’ Love of Screaming – People simply letting out big howls of emotional pain is like fourth grade playwriting. Marcus climbs out of a hole – two big screams. He finds out he’s a robot – big howl. Lame. But if you have the guy scream like that, you don’t have to address what just happened anymore, because you know it hurt him, and now he’s better. -Robert Fure

8) Poor screenplay structure – I’m actually being too kind by implying it even had a structure. Main characters are introduced with the assumption that they and the audience are already old friends, new ones enter the film only to do nothing, way too many instances of perfect timing, an ending voice-over by Marcus immediately followed by one from Connor, they give Connor a pregnant wife but do nothing with the inherent value of that situation (how important his own mother was, the drama of bringing a child into this post-apocalyptic world, etc), Skynet can hear a short piece of stereo music in the hills but can’t seem to find a giant resistance base with much noisier planes and choppers flying in and out, and speaking of helicopters… if Connor offers you a ride in one stay the hell away. -Rob Hunter

7) Lucky Shots – Life sucks. Especially after the Apocalypse. But if you’re Marcus Wright, you can throw a tire iron with pinpoint precision to hit a target flying at 60mph or you can just randomly whip mototerminators through the air and into the only weak spot of a Hunter-Killer. -Robert Fure

6) Machine physics and attributes – Too many to list here, but a brief sampling… robots are either strong or they’re not. If you’re capable of denting steel, a fight against a human should result in more than just scrapes and bruises; the robot motorcycles that launch from the Harvester’s legs, why do they have handlebars and controls for Connor to use when they’re built by and for Skynet? -Rob Hunter

5) Wrong Reactions. How come no one ever freaks out? Marcus wakes up after 15 freaking years and doesn’t think anything about it. He admits to Kyle Reese about not knowing what happened to LA (Judgement Day, something that is hard to miss) or what a Terminator is. No questions asked? Also, Connor accuses Marcus of killing his father, Kyle Reese. Marcus responds by saying Kyle Reese is still alive. Neither seem to address the fact that Kyle Reese is, like, 14 years old and John Connor is in his 30s. -Robert Fure

4) Why are John Connor and Kyle Reese still alive? – Seriously Skynet. You have Reese in custody… kill him. He doesn’t need to be alive to lure in Connor… kill him. And when the decision is finally made to kill him, they send the most inept T-600 they could find who not only lets him out of the cell but is unable to crush his scrawny teenage windpipe. And Connor? Why the elaborate plan to get Connor into Skynet HQ when Marcus could have killed him a dozen times over by then? -Rob Hunter

3) No All Out Robot Battle – Every movie before this gave us a glimpse of 2029, where the awesome happens. Pulse rifles, lasers, giant robots, and armies of machines. What do we get this time? Assault rifles, 2 old terminators, and a few floating things. McG wants Terminator 5 to take place in 2011 using modern weapons? What the hell was this then? All the weapons in this movie exist today. -Robert Fure

2) When did Skynet turn into a Bond villain? – Marcus enters the Skynet control room, downloads shit-tons of information (and the ability to shut down some turrets, why some? Shut all the bots down!) and the image of Dr. Kogan appears to explain everything. Why the need to explain what should have been included in the download? Why the need to explain and gloat about the brilliance of your master plan… you’re a computer goddamnit not Dr. Evil. -Rob Hunter

1) Shit-rific Script. The problem with this movie was the script. There is bad dialog. Poor fake military phrases. Right off the bat they talk about a missile being “danger close.” Danger close doesn’t mean the missile is getting closer to target, it means it’s going to be really close to friendlies, who were off in helicopters waiting. The worst part, for me, was that you could tell the script had been written and changed in a hurry to give more stuff to Connor. When you hire Christian Bale, he needs to be the main feature, even if it means destroying the flow. -Robert Fure

BONUS. Invincible T-800 – This T-800 is unstoppable. It gets shot by 40mm grenades, by some high caliber like 20mm gun, gets covered in molten steel, and then flash frozen. None of that even bothers it. I remember back in the previous movies when stuff like that could destroy the hell out of robots. -Robert Fure

10 Things We Did Like

10) A-10s – If one plane would survive the Apocalypse, it would be these badass warbirds. -Robert Fure

9) Christian Bale – Say what you will about the hard edge and undeveloped character of Connor, Bale brings a commanding and imposing performance. He excels at playing bastards both good and bad, so much so that I’d really like to see the guy take on a comedy, romantic or otherwise. -Rob Hunter

8) Arnold Cameo – Even if it was just CGI and short lived, I liked it. -Robert Fure

7) Moon Bloodgood/Sam Worthington – Two relatively new faces to the big screen… You think I watched “Journeyman” for the time travel storyline? (I did.) But it was mostly for a weekly dose of Bloodgood. She’s beautiful to look at obviously, but she’s also an interesting actress. Sultry voice, inviting eyes, and she acts pretty well too. And while I don’t know if I agree that Worthington is on the cusp of super-stardom, he definitely has more than his fair share of high profile films on the horizon. He deserves the attention though, as he’s a captivating physical presence in need of a role that will test his acting chops as well as his charisma. -Rob Hunter

6) Climax – I thought the last 15 minutes or so were pretty badass. It actually featured Terminator violence rather than just people running from evil gunships. -Robert Fure

5) Nods to earlier Terminator films – I won’t ruin them all but there are several knowing winks to the series in the new film. Amazingly, none of them seemed out of place. The heavy truck/motorcycle chase was a nice role reversal, the T-800 cameo was very cool (even with the questionable CGI face), the skeletonized Terminator feet walking up the stairs and two riffs on the skull crushing scenes are welcome and brief visual odes to the past, and they even manage a fresh “I’ll be back” quote without it sounding lame. -Rob Hunter

4) Theme Music - I’m glad the original Terminator theme was included, but why wait so long to use it? I’m glad it showed up. -Robert Fure

3) The gruff and manly face off between Bale and the always great Michael Ironside – Okay, wasn’t really a face off as they were yelling at each other over the radio, but it was still a kick ass scene that gave me a rare smile during the movie. -Rob Hunter

2) Anton Yelchin – Because Hunter already talked about Bale, who is awesome, I’ll mention Anton, who does a good job as Kyle Reese and is one of the only characters that actually has any emotional growing to do, at least that doesn’t involve screaming. Marcus’ screaming did seem totally like it was written in by a third grader struggling with writing big words, but I’ll agree that Sam Worthington was pretty good and has a bright future ahead of him. -Robert Fure

1) The action! – Anyone who fails to appreciate the action in the film is quite possibly dead inside (see Cole’s review here). I see no other explanation. The movie has many faults (obviously) but the constant action scenes and varied set-pieces are often impressively staged and executed. From Marcus’ hand to hand combat with some wannabe rapists to gunfights filled with tracers to air combat involving A-10 Warthogs to the giant Harvester attack on the gas station to a thrilling chase to a “single shot” helicopter take-off and crash landing, the movie is a kinetic cluster-bomb of explosive, metal on metal fun. -Rob Hunter

Breakdown

So there it is. The first true cinematic disappointment of the year. There are other films far, far worse of course but none that hurt me so deeply. We don’t blame McG as he did the best he could with the talent he possesses. He managed some spectacular action here, but dropped the ball almost everywhere else. We were fools for thinking he had grown from the boob who directed the Charlie’s Angels films into a truly competent filmmaker.

That said, while the film isn’t what we wanted, we still want more because killer robots are awesome. How do you feel?

Related Reading:

• Fat Guys at the Movies Ep. 116 – Fatinator Salvation
• The Ultimate Terminator Salvation Photo Gallery
• Discuss: What Did You Think of Terminator Salvation?
• Review: ‘Terminator Salvation’ Lacks Humanity
• Terminator Salvation: 4 Minute Internet Trailer Just For You
• 3 New Terminator Salvation TV Spots Drop Bombs On You
• Terminator Salvation Trailer Proves That Humanity is Doomed
• Live From Hall H: McG Redeems Himself With Terminator Salvation

J.J. Abrams’ long-awaited Star Trek finally hits theaters this weekend. And while Star Trek fans, J.J. Abrams fans, and general movie audiences are going to get together and become awe-induced by this rip-roaring sci-fi adventure film, there’s still a Shouting Match to be had. Fat Guys at the Movies host Kevin Carr and FSR’s resident Devil’s Advocate Josh Radde take on the most important intergalactic question facing us: Star Trek or Star Wars?

Opening Statement (Kevin):

I think we can all agree that Star Trek and Star Wars are two of the greatest science fiction adventures that has graced television and the movie houses. (Pause for the upcry of Joss Whedon fans and “BSG” aficionados… okay, let’s move on…)

However, a debate rages among geeks around the world and on the internet as to which one is better. While I dearly love both franchises, I am going to go out on a limb and declare that Star Trek is the superior space opera.

First, let’s look at its pedigree. Star Trek started off as a television series which spawned eleven films (and counting, now that Paramount is preemptively planning a sequel to J.J. Abrams’ masterpiece) and an additional four television shows (not counting that wacky-ass cartoon from the 1970s). Star Wars has only six films (seven if you count last year’s The Clone Wars… and don’t even get me started with The Star Wars Holiday Special or The Ewok Adventure) and just one television show (well, two if you count its own wacky-ass Droids cartoon from the 1980s). Kick in the fact that Star Trek was the first on the market in the mid-1960s, and it’s superior longevity is apparent.

For the most part, Star Trek was free of Ewoks and cute robots. Sure, it preached at us non-stop about everything from racism to saving the whales, but the cuteness level never threatened to kill the series.

The technology in Star Trek is so much better than the battered and wheezing machines of Star Wars. The Federation may not have lightsabers, but they have photon torpedoes, handheld phasers, tricorders and the all-important beaming technology – something even the Jedi can’t master.

And while there have been some weird adversaries in Star Trek over the years, they were more intellectual and thought provoking (like TNG’s crystalline entity and Q) than the bug-eyed monsters and disfigured Sith lords in Star Wars.

And two more things, which I find the most important: First, Star Trek was a sexually liberated show. The characters not only could and did have multiple sexual escapades with various aliens, they bred with them. It was an all-out space orgy when you joined Starfleet. You won’t find human-alien hybrids in Star Wars. No siree. Only uncomfortable deep-tongue kisses between brothers and sisters.

Finally, god rest his soul, Gene Roddenberry left our realm damn near 20 years ago, so there’s very little chance of him throttling his own franchise the way Lucas has to Star Wars since the last century.

Rebuttal (Josh):

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin…

I know you’re new to the Shouting Match arena (hence why you didn’t call me an assburger or a queer; a judgment you reserve for your podcast), but just because you go on your local TV news station and talk to some greasy-haired douche-nozzle about the new Abrams film doesn’t make you Trekkie God. Hell, I’m currently starring in a Sushi Station commercial, but I’m certainly not the world’s foremost authority on wasabi.

You talk about “pedigree” but really all you’re talking about is “quantity” — 11 films? So what? Most of them suck, whereas Lucas friggin’ NAILED three movies in the 70’s and early 80’s (and hit as much as he missed with the new trilogy) that altered the landscape of science-fiction/adventure storytelling forever. I know that there are legions of Trek-fans in the world that love the corny fight sequences and the cheesy effects and the woeful Shatner-acting, but even as a child I knew that Star Trek was just playful masturbation. I’ll agree with you that both franchises have a lot to be proud of and some things to sigh about (Phantom Menace, Whoopi Goldberg, etc.), and there’s not any way that we can cover all the ins-and-outs of this debate in 1,000 words.

So, all I can do is make you look like an idiot. Let’s give that a shot.

Sure, the Enterprise may never come into contact with Ewoks, but they do encounter Tribbles, which are just as cute/annoying. Sure, the machines and vehicles in Star Wars are battered and wheezing, but that’s what gives them personality. Give me the Millenium Falcon any day, my friend. Give me warp speed and lightsabers and ray gun blasters and carbonite prisons and cryoban grenades. You say beaming; I say give me levitation, holmes!

I’d rather incur the strongly effeminate wrath of Khan than the blistering revenge of a Sith. “bug-eyed monsters and disfigured Sith lords” — What kind of chiba you been smokin’ Carr? Darth Maul cannot be seduced by Kirk, Spock’s ass would be Jedi mind-tricked before he could perform the Vulcan mind meld, and I know you didn’t just brush off the most intimidating force in the whole of cinematic history as a disfigured Sith lord. Besides, Star Wars has tons of thought-provoking and intellectual enemies. Dare I say that Ian McDiarmid’s Chancellor/Emperor could talk anyone into joining the Dark Side. He’s like the Dick Cheney of the Galaxy, persuading young Anakin to embrace the power he doesn’t know he has. Plus, he shoots goddamn lightning out of his hands! With Klingons, uh-oh, you might get a little too close to them and their protruding foreheads might inadvertantly give you a throbbing headache in your temple. Hell, even Christopher Lee is more intimidating than Eric Bana.

Space Orgy? Sure, Kirk gets to seduce alien chicks with green hair and a nearly-dreadlocked Helen of Troy, but there’s no fun in that. He’s got lots of conquests, but what does your average fan remember most – Uhuru’s famous interracial kiss with Kirk or the GOLDEN F*CKING BIKINI! Say what you will about Star Trek characters gettin’ it on, but hasn’t Leia’s golden bikini become the standard for nerd fantasy? I rest my case.

I can’t defend Lucas for some of the dubious decisions he made in the 90’s and early 00’s, but as a whole, Star Wars is not just more entertaining, vibrant, and creative, but it’s oddly more subtle as well. They didn’t have to have Luke travel back to the Old West to create a Western feel and they didn’t have to travel to Great Depression Era 1930s to create a grim landscape. Star Wars is an appreciation and celebration for both world history and cinematic history – Star Trek is a wonderful and whimsical adventure series, but I’m sorry it just doesn’t compare.

Closing Argument (Kevin):

Radde, you ignorant slut. Tribbles are fucking awesome. They’re like donuts. You can’t get enough of them. Ewoks, on the other hand are only useful as fluffy padding against Stormtrooper blaster fire and wiping your ass in the Endor woods when you run out of toilet paper.

Star Trek is for intellectuals. It’s the thinking man’s sci-fi series. To mix metaphors, it is the lightsaber of space operas, an elegant series for a more civilized age. Star Wars, while still awesome in its own right, is for a clumsy and random bunch. I’ll defer to our illustrious executive editor Neil Miller, who said to me in a Fat Guys at the Movies production meeting: “Trekkies are peaceful warriors. Star Wars people are just militant about Star Wars.”

Now I’ll concede that Kirk wouldn’t be able to get into Darth Maul’s pants, but he’d charm the robes off the creepy Chester-the-Molester version of Count Dukoo. Spock might fall to a lightsaber, but he possesses a keen mind that wouldn’t succumb to the Jedi mind trick. Plus, with his awesome command of logic, he could bring down Palpatine with nary a blow by convincing him that total galactic domination is just simply not logical. And while Anakin Skywalker may be the W. of the Galactic Empire/Republic, under the not-so-quality acting of Hayden Christensen, he was a joke.

Say what you want to about Shatner’s acting in Star Trek: TOS, but I’m still relieved that Hayden Christensen (or Jake Lloyd, for that matter) aren’t coming anywhere near the Neutral Zone. Christensen’s wooden acting makes him easy prey to any random Klingon, become his lunch before being passed through the savage warrior’s small intestine.

And speaking of Klingons – and any other Trek beings with nasty scalp deformities – I have only three words that demonstrate the superiority of alien races in Federation space versus the Galactic Republic/Empire: Jar Jar Binks.

And now to a Bethany Perryman-inspired sexual angle… I’ll give you Leia’s golden bikini, but the robes and snowsuit in the other two movies lessened her sexual power. In Star Trek: TOS, you have every frickin’ lady in Starfleet in a miniskirt. What’s not to love about that?… unless your name is Josh Radde and you’re itching to see Sulu prancing around shirtless with a fencing foil or Kirk getting his clothes ripped open for the umpteenth time. We all loved Leia as the proverbial girl next door who made us cream our jeans only to find out we’re lusting after our sister… but Star Trek helped mold the burgeoning sexual identity of more than one generation.

Miniskirts, black nylons and go-go boots literally beat the pants off anything that Star Wars has to offer outside of Jabba’s palace.

Finally, let’s just look at the launch pad potential. Star Wars is dead and buried with the Clone Wars television show the only thing we have to look forward to, along with a yet-uncertain live-action TV show and retro-fitted 3D releases of the original films. Star Trek, on the other hand, is rising from the ashes of sci-fi cinema with a sequel already in the works and its glory days yet to come.

Final Words (Josh):

Sure, bring up Hayden Christensen and Jar-Jar Binks. That only proves that you had to resort to crotch blows to stay even in this battle, Carr.

Well my crotch is impervious to to your tactics, and to quote the greatest villain to ever grace the screen: “You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

We can go back and forth discussing this matter all month, making personal attacks and eventually pitting turbolasers against photon torpedoes. What really matters which do you prefer: Star Trek or Star Wars?

Related Reading:

• Blasphemy: R2-D2 Cameo in Star Trek Confirmed
• Daily Diversion: My Favorite Sci-Fi Movie (Star Wars/Star Trek)
• Boiling Point: Things That Don’t Happen in Space
• Star Trek vs. Star Wars. The Daily Diversion.
• Star Trek: The Young Hipster Generation
• Officially Cool: The Shame of Star Wars
• Officially Cool: The 56 Geeks Poster
• This Week In DVD: November 17th

Getting sentimental and sloppy over our moms once a year is fine for well-adjusted kids and Mr. Hallmark, who took creative advantage of Mother’s Day to celebrate sweet, loyal, dedicated moms. But we Rejects choose instead to honor filmdom’s 10 most demonic, diabolical, villainous mothers – the ones we love to hate.

We’re talking about the kind who screw with our heads, twist our self-esteem into an unrecognizable knot, and read us fairy tales about babies in cradles falling out of a tree to smash on the pavement below; Humpty Dumpty’s fractured skull; blind mice who can’t escape having their tails amputated; and manic monkeys catching weasels and popping their bloody guts all over the lot. It should come as no surprise that we begin with Bette Davis.

Get ready to work through some issues:

10. Charlotte’s Mother in Now Voyager (1942)

Bette Davis’s memorable role of Charlotte in the melodrama, Now Voyager, the story of a homely, repressed, overweight daughter’s transition into an attractive woman, is largely remembered for Paul Henreid sticking his and her cigs in his kisser and lighting them simultaneously, but the real story was Charlotte’s mom. Gladys Cooper played the selfish, aristocratic Boston dowager who, in order to keep Bette at home and enslaved to her every narcissistic whim, uses verbal and emotional abuse to convince Charlotte that she was so ugly and undesirable, she could never get anyone to marry her. This is not a Go-to-your-room mom, she’s a Go-to-your-room-and-stay-there-forever mom. That’s the kind of psychological control that makes a demon mother. Ultimately, Charlotte falls in love, causing mom to get so furious that she has a heart attack and croaks, leaving Charlotte distraught and feeling guilty. No happy ending here.

9. Stifler’s Mom in American Pie (1999)

Part MILF, part cougar, Jeanine Stifler (Jennifer Coolidge) is a decidedly unfit mom. She lies in wait for her son’s party guests, plies them with hard liquor and fucks ’em. The first film in the American Pie series draws a blatant line from Mrs. Stifler to Mrs. Robinson of The Graduate fame. (When Mrs. Stifler is seducing Finch, the song “Mrs. Robinson” comes on and she says, “Mr. Finch….are you trying to seduce me?”) But, while Mrs. Robinson is at least capable of showing some class, Jeanine just reeks of desperation. Even so, most of the FSR staff agrees: We’d hit that.

8. Ripley in Alien Resurrection (1997)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. In 1986’s Aliens, Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley is a tender but fiercely devoted surrogate mom for the orphaned girl Newt. In screenwriter Joss Whedon’s hands, Ripley is more morally ambiguous. First, she helps conceive the ugliest baby ever during an intergender/interspecies orgy. The resulting progeny is a pale, fleshy, juicy, alien/human hybrid who follows Ripley around like a homicidal puppy. Ripley ends up dispatching the hybrid by creating a hole in a spacecraft hull. The beast suffers an agonizing death as it’s sucked inside-out through the pinhole leak into the vacuum of space. Sure, Ripley’s just saving humanity. But what a thing to do to your own kid.

7. Ma Jarrett in White Heat (1949)

James Cagney is Cody Jarrett, a deranged, ruthless badboy with a mother complex. His relationship with her has twisted his life into that of a psychotic madman. He was a real mama’s boy who sat on her lap as a grown man (Cagney’s idea) for solace. Scorsese called the scene “extraordinary.” When Cody gets one of his frequent agonizing headaches, mom massages his head, gives him a drink and, as he downs it, she says, “Top of the world.” She says it again, visiting him in prison: “You’ll be out soon, back on top of the world.” The iconic line was roared skyward by Cody to his murdered mother, as he blew himself up on a gigantic gas storage tank: “Made it Ma, Top of the world!!!” (Often misquoted as “Top of the world, Ma.”) In an over-the-top performance by character actress Margaret Wycherly, Ma Jarrett goes down in film infamy as one of the best worst mothers. Cody may be at the “top of the world,” but his mother is strictly from hell.

6. Ma Barker in Bloody Mama (1970)

Shelley Winters as machine gun-slingin’ Kate “Ma” Barker in Roger Corman’s Bloody Mama. Her sons are loaded with perversions, like sadistic Herman who sleeps with Ma, homosexual son Fred’s former cell mate and lover also sleeps with her, son Lloyd is a whacko drug addict who’d snort the chenille right off Ma’s bedspread if she’d let him. Fourth son Arthur is a loser who can’t find anyone to sleep with except himself. Addict Lloyd Barker was played by a young Robert DeNiro. In her autobio, Winters says: “Bobby stayed in character 24 hours a day, losing 40 pounds and getting scabs all over his body. Toward the end of the film when he OD’s [sic] and the Barker family must bury him hurriedly, Bobby insisted on getting into the grave so the camera could record the dirt covering his face. In the scene I was hysterical with grief, and I didn’t realize until he was almost completely covered that it was Bobby and not a dummy … [I] pulled him out, saying, ‘For Christ’s sake, Bobby! Even Marlon has never pulled such a dangerous stupid trick in a movie. This is not real life, it’s only a film.’ [He replied] ‘But Shelley, for actors, aren’t the movies our only real life?’”

5. Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest (1981)

The story of the relationship between a child trying to survive and her ruthless, scheming, alcoholic, movie star adoptive mom, who knew every nasty trick in the book. Written by Joan Crawford’s daughter, this look at the super star as mom gives the audience a glimpse behind the scenes. In real life, Crawford was an enraged bitch, using physical and psychological weapons on her kids, using them as P/R props, and smashing their young egos down into the dust. Faye Dunaway gives a scenery-chewing performance, which took so much out of her that after the infamous “No more wire hangers!!” scene, Dunaway “collapsed in a heap on the floor of a closet on Paramount’s Stage 8.” Crawford herself won an Oscar for playing a rotten mom in Mildred Pierce. Why not? She had a lot of personal experience.

4. Mrs. Bates in Psycho (1960)

How do you think Norman Bates got that way? Dear old tyrannical mommy, that’s how. Even as a skeleton rocking away in that creepy Goth house still standing on Universal’s backlot, Mrs. Bates had to fight off her randy son. (How do you think those empty eye sockets got so worn?) She and Norman were based on real-life Ed Gein and his mommy. Norman Bates was so dominated by his mother while she lived, and so riddled with guilt for murdering her, that he tried to erase his crime by using his taxidermy skills to preserve her corpse. Ultimately, Norman “becomes” his mother, as his voice says at the end, “…I’m not even going to swat that fly! I hope they are watching! They’ll see and they’ll know, and they’ll say, ‘Why, she wouldn’t even harm a fly!’”

3. Augusta Gein in Ed Gein (2000)

The true story of a religious zealot mother so controlling, ominous, and fire and brimstone that after she dies, her son becomes a grief stricken maniac, ultimately digging up women’s corpses, humping them, dismembering their remains, and making lampshades, speedos, and a “woman suit” out of their skin. Carrie Snodgress brilliantly played Augusta W. Gein, who’s incessantly rocking in her chair, reading scary Bible stories to young Ed, scolding him whenever he tries to make friends at school, and teaching him that all women are prostitutes and instruments of the devil … except her. Ed allegedly murdered his brother so he could have mom all to himself. The real Ed Gein said he lost his “only friend and one true love.” Not only were Mom and Norman Bates based on the Geins’ ghoulish relationship, but so was Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs, and Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile. We wonder what Ed got Augusta’s corpse for Mother’s Day.

2. Margaret in Carrie (1976)

Piper Laurie delivers one of the most memorable performances in horror cinema as Margaret, deranged Bible thumper and matriarchal dictator. Margaret has some warped views on faith and sexuality, which she forcefully attempts to drill into poor Carrie’s head. By using prayer as punishment and equating healthy sexuality with original sin, she just about assures her supernaturally talented daughter will fail in life. After Carrie demonstrates psychokinetic abilities, Margaret attempts to murder her. This cinematic bad mom is literally a backstabbing bitch.

1. Mrs. Iselin in Manchurian Candidate (1962)

No other dark and sinister mother in film history can compare to Mrs. Iselin, wife of an incompetent U.S. Senator and mother of war hero, Raymond. In a chilling performance, Angela Lansbury collaborates with America’s enemies in creating an anonymous political assassin. She schemes and manipulates in order to ultimately possess unprecedented power by getting her dithering husband elected President. She learns for the first time that the assassin they so carefully molded is none other than her son. Whenever brainwashed Raymond sees the Queen of Spades, his personality morphs into a killing machine. Mrs. Iselin: “I know you will never entirely comprehend this, Raymond, but you must believe I did not know it would be you. I served them. I fought for them. I’m on the point of winning for them the greatest foothold they would ever have in this country … I told them to build me an assassin. I wanted a killer from a world filled with killers and they chose you because they thought it would bind me closer to them… when I take power, they will be pulled down and ground into dirt for … what they did in so contemptuously underestimating me.” [Kisses Raymond on the forehead, then his cheek, then on his lips] Lansbury said director John Frankenheimer went “for the jugular,” and called the role of Mrs. Iselin, “… an incredible, massive part.” Lansbury turned in a shattering performance as the incestuous, power-crazed monster mother of all time.

Honorable Mentions: Anne Ramsey in Throw Mama From the Train (and Goonies), Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom, Mary Tyler Moore in Ordinary People and of course, Anne Bancroft in The Graduate.

Editor’s Note: This maternal list was lovingly put together by our very own Maggie Van Ostrand and Jorge Sosa, slightly chewed up by the editors, and spit into your mouths, baby birds.

Related Reading:

• A Tribute to the Villainous Females of Horror
• Culture Warrior: What is Hitchcockian Suspense?
• Culture Warrior: Horror 1960
• Darren Lynn Bousman Celebrating ‘Mother’s Day’ Early
• WTF: Heathers… on TV?
• Weekend Discussion: The Great DVD Organization Debate
• Culture Warrior: Not-so-Funny People
• Bousman to Take Everyone to the Slaughterhouse

X-Men Origins: Wolverine opens this weekend and we all know that Hugh Jackman is reprising his role from three previous X-Men films and is here to take names and cut some goddamn heads off. This sparked a debate within the FSR offices: Who is more of a badass? Movie character Wolverine portrayed by Jackman since 2000 or comic-book hero Wolverine whose been slashing bitches since 1974. FSR contributing writer Paul Sileo and resident devil’s advocate Josh Radde debate.

Opening Statement (Josh):

Normally, when we talk about characters being adapted from the page to the screen we’re talking about a director’s interpretation of that character based on the written material. Sometimes said interpretations lack that extra “umph” to put them in the same stratosphere as the written work. In the world of comic book adaptations, we’re talking about this all the time: For instance, why hasn’t there been a completely satisfying Punisher on-screen; how could a good actor like George Clooney so horrendously f*ck up Batman? Inversely, we talk about Heath Ledger’s Joker or Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man as shining examples of actors who bring out the best of the famed characters they’re portraying. Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine is an example of an actor taking a character and bringing him to new heights that wouldn’t have been achieved in the comics.

Sure, comic book Wolverine has faced off against everyone from the Incredible Hulk to The Punisher to Spider-Man, but I contend that Jackman’s Wolverine is more of a badass. Not only do we get his charisma which makes him more watchable, we get more of his vulnerability as well. Seeing a character be vulnerable makes it more engaging when he’s ripping through people’s abdomens with his bitchin’ claws. We can connect with him more and to a degree it increases his LOA (Levels of Awesomeness, a technical term, Wiki it if you doubt me – [and if you Wiki it, just realize that this term only appears to people who have graduated the first two Levels of Awesomeness, kind of like how Scientology teaches their followers about Lord Xenu]). Let me ask you this – Who’s more badass: Schwarzenegger’s Terminator from the first film that is just a soul-less killing machine or Schwarzenegger’s Terminator from the second film who is trying to save lives and in doing so has to work harder and even develops some shred of personality. Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV is a far superior specimen in every way, but Stallone is the one we root for while singing “Hearts on Fire” at the top of our lungs! The latter in both scenarios is definitely more BAMF-tastic.

Because Jackman is so fearless in the role, he gives the character a higher sense of purpose than we can ever get from the comic book. Thus, I’m more willing to chant “Wolverine!” in the theater anytime he’s on (a sensation that is only duplicated when I watch Red Dawn at home) and less likely to wet my pants with glee when I see him on the page.

Rebuttal (Paul):

What the hell have you been sniffing on? Cole’s vial of ether? I guess I can’t really expect your walnut-sized brain to recognize this, but do you want to know why the movie version of Wolverine seems like such a badass? It’s because all the other X-Men in the movies are such fucking babies. Hell, he didn’t even bang one chick in the movies. All he did was play some wiener father figure type to Rogue and lose out on Jean Grey to Cyclops. Cyclops! The man who is about as much of a badass as my ten year old cousin. Wolverine wins the badassery contest in the movies simply by default. And Jackman bringing Wolverine to a new level? While I do believe Jackman was a good casting move, this is the same man who pranced around on-stage at the Oscars like Catherine Zeta Jones. I was highly disappointed when, in the middle of that number with Beyonce, he didn’t go feral and tear someone’s head off. Now that would have been television.

No, Josh, my repugnant friend, you are grossly misinformed. Let me lay it all out for you, in a way that maybe even you could understand. Also, I will do you a favor and ignore the fact that you cited his vulnerability in the films as a reason why he is more of a badass. I mean, really? Do you want to go have a latté with Hugh and play tiddlywinks while watching Dr. Phil? This is Wolverine we’re talking about. I’ll give you the raw version of Wolverine. The comics version. The real version. Prepare yourself, because I’m about to blow your goddamn mind.

Fact: We all know that Wolverine has adamantium grafted to his skeleton. But in the comics, this adamantium is literally ripped out of his body by Magneto at one point. Ripped out. Like, his entire skin comes open and the metal is pulled out. And he lives through it. But not only that, Wolverine discovers his real skeleton is just almost as good, and those claws of his? Yeah, those are natural, made out of his fucking bone.

Fact: One time, Wolverine was defeated by a guy named Cyber. How, you say? By having his eye gouged out. And did Wolverine cry or get all vulnerable? Hell no, he threw on an eye patch and continued to wreak havoc. I don’t think I need to explain how many LOA’s one achieves with the addition of an eye patch. Or being able to disembowel people with only one hand. Yeah, that’s right. In the Age of Apocalypse story arc, Wolverine only has one hand.

Fact: And speaking of Levels of Awesomeness, I know you still have yet to go through puberty, but in case you didn’t know, men have body hair. And real men have a lot of body hair. In fact, a guy’s level of badassery is proportionately related to his level of body hair. I’m sorry, but Jackman’s mutton chops just aren’t enough. The Wolverine from the comics is covered in hair. From head-to-toe. The man has more hair than a woolly mammoth. And they get some hairless Australian to play him in the movies? No thanks.

Fact: Alright, I left this one for last. It may be a bit controversial, but, regardless of its plausibility (which is ironic when we’re talking about mutants), I am going to name this as the Number One Reason Comic Wolverine Will Fucking Own Movie Wolverine. There is this dude named Nuke. I’m sure you can discern what his powers are. Yeah, so this dude named Nuke blows up. And incinerates Wolverine. I’m not talking about giving him a sunburn. I’m saying he is completely annihilated. In fact, nothing is left except for his indestructible skeleton, covered in adamantium. But, as we all know, you can’t keep a good man down, and Wolverine completely regenerates his entire body. From nothing but a skeleton! If that’s not badass, then you, sir, Mr. Josh Radde, don’t understand what badass is. Myself? I’m completely convinced you could cut Wolverine in half like a starfish, and get nothing for your troubles but two Wolverines trying to kill you, instead of one.

Look, you’ve made some decent points, but just because you have the word “Rad” in your last name doesn’t make you an expert on Wolverine. Or comics. Or anything, really. It just means I get to snicker every time I say it considering to whom it belongs. The comic version of Wolverine is far more of a badass than the movie version. Jackman does alright with what’s he’s got, but has he endured any of the mutilation or torture of the comic version? Has he been completely melted by a nuclear blast? Does he have high levels of body hair? No, no, and no. And guess what? Hugh Jackman almost didn’t even come back for X-Men Origins: Wolverine because, after X3, he felt like Wolverine was starting to turn into a little bit of a pussy. That’s right. Your hero, the singin’, dancin’, hairless Hugh Jackman, even knows you’re an idiot.

Closing Argument (Josh):

Fact: You keep a collection of your mama’s panties under your bed.

Paul, thank you for proving my point. Wolverine gets incinerated and regenerates? Guess what – THAT’S WHAT HE DOES! That’s one of his f*cking powers! When I cut my nostril hairs I don’t get rewarded because they grow back; neither should Wolverine get a Paul Sileo-patented rim job because he’s able to do exactly what his powers say he can. I will admit that what you say is pretty badass, and if I came across any comic book characters in an alley, Wolverine would be one of the ones to most quickly make me shit my pants. However, that’s not what I was arguing. Maybe our definitions of “badass” or uses of LOA differ, but mine comes from who I’d want in my corner. Which badass would I entrust to save the day.

OK, so comic book Wolverine is a survivalist and a fighter, but I never sensed from reading it that he wants to save people – he’s more of a lovable prick, and the fun comes from the fact that we may or may not trust him. Superman isn’t a badass because he’s indestructible and can fly; he’s a badass because he’ll do what it takes to save others. Jack Bauer isn’t a badass because he tortures people and yells a lot; he’s the f*cking MAN because you know he’ll go to the ends of the earth to protect people (unless you’re one of the hundreds that have died within a couple feet of him, of course). I’d want Jackman’s Wolverine in my corner because he fights FOR something. And I hate to use an example from X3, but the ending where he walks toward Phoenix and his skin keeps melting away and regenerating is most definitely badass. You telling me that from that scene alone he wouldn’t be able to regenerate if he were blown up? He’s every bit as badass (and adequately hairy) as comic-book Wolverine.

Final Words (Paul):

You keep my mama and her panties out of this.

Our definitions of badass must be all kinds of different if you are citing Superman as a badass. Look, man, at the end of the day, it seems you want a badass that can save the world. If it’s activist judges or the swine flu that you are worried about, by all means, call up Poofy Pants Jackman. But if you are troubled by the threat of a deranged supervillian promising worldwide destruction, an alien extermination force, or Dick Cheney opening up a private school for mutants, then the comic book version of Wolverine is just the man to cut some goddamn heads off. When humanity is threatened, I just can’t trust my life to someone who once starred in Oklahoma!.

Read More: Shouting Match

We can go back and forth discussing this matter all day, making personal attacks and eventually shanking each other like prison inmates. What really matters is Which Wolverine is More of a Badass in your opinion?

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When I was growing up, there was only one thing to do: go to the beach. The warm sun, the rush of water under your board, and the gorgeous women wearing new tans all walking around waiting to reject me and my friends. We would never have dreamed of going into a darkened movie theater. In fact, I didn’t see a movie in theaters until just four years ago. True fact. Of course, since then I’ve seen at least 87 movies a day to make up for lost times.

However, this summer is shaping up to be strong enough to bring in more than a few crowds from the sun-soaked beaches, saving a few lives from hideous sun burns, and entertaining millions with sci-fi action, awkward social comedy, and antique con men. It’ll see the return of a boy wizard, a legend who saves us from the machines, and a crew of alien robots. It’ll also introduce audiences to a military bomb squad in Iraq, a cranky animated old man with a floating house, and a group of Nazi-scalping bad asses. For the rest, you’ll have to check out the full list.

So why are we still wasting time talking? Here are the film that have us driving off the beach and heading to the theater:

Star Trek (May 8)

Chances are that you’ve already heard quite a bit about Star Trek from us. And no, we’re not going to continue to brag about the fact that the film made an impromptu world premiere right down the street from Reject HQ in Austin. And no, that has nothing to do with the fact that we were absolutely blown away by J.J. Abrams’ vision for the rebirth of the Trek universe. And no, we aren’t going to wave around the countless positive reviews from various outlets around the web who’ve spread love butter all over this thing in the past few weeks. And no, we can’t give you all free tickets because we believe so strongly that you’ll love it. We do, however, require that you go out and see it. Otherwise you might miss one of the best movies of the summer. - Neil Miller

The Brothers Bloom (May 15)

I feel like this movie was supposed to come out a long time ago. Rian Johnson’s long-awaited follow-up to Brick played at last year’s Chicago International Film Festival and got a release date in 2009. Early word was that it’s kind of a mixed bag, tonally, but I’d go to any length to see Rachel Weisz up to some adorable shenanigans (even if she is doing her less-adorable American accent) and Rinko Kikuchi (Babel) as the nitro-glycerin artiste, Bang Bang. Having Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo as the brothers in question only adds to the potential charm. So, will The Brothers Bloom do the work Johnson did in Brick justice or will it be another lackluster sophomoric effort from a director who may have gotten lucky with his first film? Either way, The Brothers Bloom is a snappy con movie, and it wouldn’t be summer without one. - Josh Radde

Terminator Salvation (May 21)

What can we say about this one? The Terminator franchise roars back into theaters with McG’s vision of an adult John Connor (Christian Bale) leading the human resistance against Skynet in 2018. Say what you will about McG, but everything we’ve seen so far points to Terminator Salvation bringing the big guns on May 21st to a franchise that is still trying to get the sour taste of 2003’s Terminator 3 out of its mouth. This is the Terminator we’ve all been waiting for since T2, with damn near perfect casting, a phenomenal script (according to Bale), and McG showing that he can compete with the top dogs of the action genre. Terminator Salvation is the darling of the 2009 summer line-up, and the robot movie to see. - Paul Sileo

Up (May 29)

We all know that Pixar brings the heat when it comes to animated adventuring. And based on the gross buzz from the countless preview screenings they’ve done for their next feature Up — even dating back to Fantastic Fest last fall where they showed 45 minutes of the film — we should be in for another treat as we meet Carl Fredrickson, a jolly old guy who just wants to get away. And in order to get away, he ties a bunch of balloons to his house and floats away. The only problem is that he’s got a stowaway — a cute little wilderness scout named Russell. Now if that story right there doesn’t sound interesting to you, don’t worry. Neither did the sound of a talking rat who wanted to cook or a robot who was left alone for hundreds of years to clean up the Earth’s trash. See where I’m going with this? Yeah, you should go see Up. – Neil Miller

The Hangover (June 5)

Do yourself a favor and just watch the trailer. If that doesn’t have you looking forward to this flick then you’re either dead (gross, get off the keyboard) or you simply lack a sense of humor, good taste, and probably good looks. There has been a formula circulating around Hollywood that no one dared try for fear of breaking the awesome barrier. That formula was Zach Galafinakis wearing a baby rig, with a live baby in it, and tossing him into a crazy Las Vegas type situation. I don’t care if he’s not the star, damn it, he’s why I want to see it! – Robert Fure

Moon (June 12)

This flick features some of the most beautiful shots done all year, Sam Rockwell at his best, and it’s all done atop a solid science fiction conceptual base. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s not often that a film combines the starkness and atmosphere of being alone on the far side of the moon with the energy and tension of a thriller. It’s also not often that all of this comes together for a first time director. Somehow, Sam Rockwell talking to a Spacey-voiced computer and himself (and other himselves) for the run time manages to ask an important question: if you met yourself, would you like yourself? Also, the fad of growing moon beards doesn’t catch on, I’ll be shocked. – Cole Abaius

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24)

Without a doubt this mega mash up of mechanical monsters makes every movie list focused on the summer. The first film had plenty of guilty fun in long, sexually harassing shots of Megan Fox and awesome explosions. Say what you will about Michael Bay, there is no denying that he’s got an amazing eye for visuals and has the Transformers formula down pat. – Robert Fure

The Hurt Locker (June 26)

If you’ve heard Neil and I throw around the phrase “best of the year” regarding this film, I understand if you’re skeptical. But that skepticism should be punched in the face, dragged through the dirt, and left crying in the corner after you step into the theater. Jeremy Renner delivers an outstanding performance, but the real impact comes from the story itself. As much as I can recommend watching this movie, if you think that finding yourself embedded emotionally in a humvee with a tactical bomb unit in Baghdad might be too much for you to handle, you’re probably right, and you might want to take a few deep breaths before buying your ticket. – Cole Abaius

Public Enemies (July 1)

Being a Chicagoan, I was able to see all sorts of fun stuff during the shoot of Public Enemies this past year. Just like The Dark Knight the year before, it seemed like everyone was getting in on the fun. Cab drivers would point out locations and tell you what scene had just been shot, several street corners near my old apartment were made up beautifully to capture the 1930s, and I had a buddy who worked on the film for a week, and at one point was even a stand-in for David Wenham. More than that, when we started to see the trailers for Michael Mann’s latest, starring Johnny Depp and Christian Bale, it became clear this wasn’t a movie that would get pushed aside come summer time. Public Enemies has the potential to be raw, fun, and intense, and with Mann at the helm and capable actors in front of the camera, this should be well worth the price of admission. - Josh Radde

Brüno (July 10)

The controversy leading up to Borat in 2006 was certainly prolific, and the film didn’t disappoint. It was controversial, crazy, and absolutely hilarious. This summer, Sacha Baron Cohen is back with another one of his zany characters in Bruno, playing a gay Austrian fashion aficionado and aspiring expert on Dildo Defense. One may be a little worried about Cohen’s ability to capture the magic he showed in Borat a second time, but if the trailer is any indication, he has scored again. There is just something about Cohen’s brand of humor, pitting an eccentric, socially-naïve character against the rest of the world and bringing out the absolute absurdity of our society. – Paul Sileo

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (July 15)

What can you see about this franchise other than “ka-ching?” Ignoring the box office this film will most definitely bring in, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince takes the tale into its darkest territory yet. The young cast has grown up well into the roles and all perform admirably. If you haven’t given Potter a chance, read a synopsis or two and catch this one – it’s a more mature and dark fantasy than you’re expecting. Plus Alan Rickman is in it, so hell yeah! - Robert Fure

500 Days of Summer (July 17)

Marc Webb’s romance picture, 500 Days of Summer, had a quirky trailer and looked like it was going to be a vehicle to further showcase just how engaging and capable actors Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are. For JGL it’s a chance to prove that he’s not all angst and arty (which he’ll further prove with G.I. Joe as Cobra Commander) and for Deschanel it’ll be a starring vehicle for the actress whose shined mostly in supporting roles in the past. Even aside from that it looks like it could be a light-hearted summer comedy that you can take the lady (or your mom) to and score some points (just don’t try to put any moves on your mom, that’s gross). - Josh Radde

Funny People (July 31)

We love Judd Apatow, and Funny People is shaping up to possibly be his best to date. With an all-star cast, including Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Eric Bana, Leslie Mann, Jonah Hill, and Jason Schwartzman, Apatow’s latest has us counting down the days until July 31st. Though all of his films have tried to give us just enough humanity to put the comedy in context and make it feel more meaningful, Funny People looks to be ramping it up a bit with a story about a famous comedian (Sandler) who, after befriending a young talent (Rogen), finds out he has a terminal disease and begins to assess his life. May sound a little cliché, but Funny People is practically oozing talent, and Sandler is one of those actors whom I wish would take meatier roles because I truly believe he has some serious acting chops. - Paul Sileo

GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra (August 7)

I don’t care if this movie was directed by a sentient fart and starred a cast of squirrels trained by Cole Abaius, I would want to see it. Which is good for Paramount, considering it’s directed by Stephen Sommers who makes the cinema equivalent of farts on film and stars a Wayans brother. Definitely gone are most of the costumes we know and love, but we’re all hoping for a fun ride through our childhood. Can GI Joe beat out GI Joe: Resolute (the animated feature) in the awesome race? Probably not, but this one stars Sienna Miller so I’m there. - Robert Fure

Inglourious Basterds (August 21)

Tarantino and I have a history together. He makes movies and I show up on set with a bullhorn chanting “You suck.” Write this down, because for once I’m going to talk positively about this hype factory. QT can direct the heck out of an action sequence and has nerded out on enough excellent films that he can place a camera with the best of them. Regardless of all that, this movie had me at “renegade unit scalping nazis.” – Robert Fure

World’s Greatest Dad (August 21)

Let me put it to you this way: think about the darkest comedy you’ve ever seen. It probably took situations that you never thought would be funny and forced you to laughed at it. It made you feel dirty, didn’t it? Now keep that thought in your head and consider this: Bobcat Goldthwait’s World’s Greatest Dad is darker, hands down. It tells the story of a father (Robin Williams) who’s son is killed in a freak masturbation accident. After the wretched boy’s death, dear ole dad begins to write a journal as his son, a journal that shows another more intelligent dimension to his shitburger of a son. Of course, it gets out to the world and the kid becomes a hero in his high school… well, sort of. To say the least, this is one of those deeply twisted comedies that you have to see in order to believe. Notice how I said that you “have to see” it. It’s not optional. - Neil Miller

The Boat that Rocked (August 28)

After a pretty intense summer of giant fucking robots blowing things up, bomb technicians sweating while trying to make sure things don’t blow up, and Sacha Baron Cohen attempting to blow famous politicians, it’s going to be great to settle into the Fall transition with a heartfelt comedy featuring a phenomenal soundtrack. The only thing cooler than the truly free spirit of Rock ‘n’ Roll is a band of pirates, and somehow this film has combined the two. Plus, you’ve got Bill Nighy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Gemma Arterton all sticking it to the powers that be with some of the best music ever made in the background. Damn the man. Save our ship. – Cole Abaius

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• The Winners and Losers of 2009’s Record Setting Summer
• The 25 Most Anticipated Movies of 2009
• The Reject Report Summer Box Office Preview
• Culture Warrior: ‘Inglourious Basterds’ and the Political Movie Theater
• The Reject Report Hangs Out With Some Funny People
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The Soloist, for which we’ve been seeing the same trailer for what feels like over a year, finally comes out today. With powerhouse actors Robert Downey Jr. (Academy Award nominee), Jamie Foxx (Academy Award winner), and director Joe Wright (Atonement; Pride and Prejudice), this is surely a film that aims to “change the world.” But before it can do that, FSR’s sex columnist, Bethany Perryman and resident devil’s advocate Josh Radde discuss whether or not Jamie Foxx actually possesses raw ability or if his talent is simply a well-marketed illusion.

Opening Statement (Bethany):

I don’t care that Jamie Foxx has two-count-em-two X’s in his stage name, or that he topped out on “In Living Color” — Jamie Foxx is not a Good Actor. He may, however, be one of the world’s greatest hacks. With that, Josh, I’m sure you can relate. In my best estimation, Foxx put on a pair of sunglasses, bobbed about asymmetrically, and received his Academy Award for Ray. But I’m not buyin’. Show me a man who can play an archetype just-good-enough, and I will show you that same man, winning a Grammy with Ludacris for a song that is just that.

He picks good roles, I’ll give him that — I mean, who didn’t love Booty Call? But his acting chops would be tested if he was given a truly complex role — one that didn’t rely on his other talents (piano playing, regular playing, and making friends with the guy in the editing room so that his astigmatism looks like Serious Actor Glare). The mark of a good actor is not doing decent impressions of famous blind people, wearing fatigues, or delivering classic lines (and by “classic” here I mean “well written”), it is being cast in more than one episode of “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper” – which Jamie Foxx was not.

Rebuttal (Josh):

Bethany, I wouldn’t give up your day job writing about how Sawyer on “Lost” makes your uterus quiver. Jamie Foxx isn’t a Good Actor?! Now, I wouldn’t necessarily put him in the pantheon of extraordinary Hollywood actors alongside Gary Cooper and Jimmy Stewart, but he’s brought the goods on more than one occasion. Yes, Ray was a hack job (by the Academy), but I wouldn’t put it in the “One Hit Wonder” category like Cuba Gooding Jr. for Jerry Maguire or Mira Sorvino for Mighty Aphrodite, because the dude also picked up a nom for Collateral, showing up the best performance Tom Cruise has given this decade, which seems to have slipped your obviously syphilis-riddled mind.

Though I don’t think it was Oscar-worthy, his work in Ray is commendable and, more than that, he made what would’ve been a crap-tacular movie better-than-expected. He overcame a bad makeup job in Ali, was the only actor who knew the meaning of the word “subtlety” in Any Given Sunday, and taught a 14-year-old Josh Radde that condoms were “good” in Booty Call. You say he picks good roles, I say him picking the right role makes said movie better. Know why? Jamie Foxx is a GOOD actor. That being said, I can’t defend Stealth. However, we never begrudged Edward Norton for making Death To Smoochy or Robert De Niro for making any movie after Heat, yet they’re still considered good actors. The same principle applies to Jamie Foxx.

Closing Argument (Bethany):

First of all, Josh — syphilis? Mind? Stop flirting with me. I’ve told you – it’s never gonna happen. Second, you hardly defend any of Foxx’s merit, and I gave you plenty of room to do so (”The Jamie Foxx Show,” Bait, “In Living Color,” that one episode of “Moesha” he did that time). But, sadly, there are more holes in your argument than there are…nevermind, Virgin. I don’t want to spoil it for you. You claim that Ray was a “hack job,” then say his work was “commendable”. You’re the type of guy that praises Wikipedia for being a fount of actual knowledge, aren’t you?

Also, upstaging Xenutard Cruise is not necessarily the feat of a Good Actor, but merely someone who’s not criminally insane. And your only defense of his performance in Ali is that he overcame bad makeup?! If that’s all it takes in Hollywood to get the go-ahead to be mediocre at your trade, I seriously need to switch careers. Look, Foxx’s pick of roles has more to do with his ability to promote himself and look like an American Badass (and now with The Soloist, A Super Deep American Badass) than it does with Foxx trying to push the boundaries of his medium talent. I leave you with this: Tom Hanks followed up Philadelphia with Forrest Gump; Crowe’s Insider brought us Gladiator. And from the man who gave us Ray, we get Stealth?! I rest my case.

Oh, and Cuba a “One Hit Wonder”? Whatever, dude. Radio was a great movie. That was a comedy, right?

Closing Haiku (Josh):

Say what you want. The
Academy has spoken.
Jamie Foxx is GOD.

We can go back and forth discussing this matter all day, making personal attacks and eventually getting into slap fights. What really matters is Do You Think Jamie Foxx is a Good Actor?

Related Reading:

• Kevin Carr’s Weekly Report Card for 04.24.09
• Review: The Soloist
• Fat Guys at the Movies Ep. 112 – Obsessed with Fighting Fat Guys
• Video: Go Behind the Scenes of The Soloist
• Fat Guys at the Movies: Episode 82 – Righteous Fat Guys
• First Trailer: Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx’s The Soloist
• Joe Wright Brings ‘The Soloist’ to Cleveland
• Culture Warrior: Good and Bad Biopics